As Time Passes By
by JustMeCelia
Summary: AU: Ten years after everything happened: Amy is a successful writer and Karma tries to get a career in singing. Karma lives with Shane, they bonded over same interests, in Austin, Amy lives with Liam in LA. One day Amy visits Lauren in Austin and runs into Karma during grocery shopping, who knows what happens next ...
1. Chapter 1

"Oh I'm so sorry" damn it, why do I always bump into people with my shopping kart? I was way too buried in my thoughts. I look up to meet with the same green eyes that once meant the world to me. "Holy shit." we both said it in unison and stared at each other for what felt like hours. My stomach turns and I really can't handle that right now. Why do I see her the only time I'm in Austin? Her hair was darker now, like chocolate brown or something. I love that colour. Focus Amy. She still wears cute summer dresses that fit her body perfectly. And speaking of her body? She looks better that ever. If her body wasn't perfect before, it now definitely is. My eyes wonder back to her face again and I see her mustering me the exact same way. Her face is more defined now, she looks so grown up. Bet she's a real adult now. Well I am, too. "Hey Amy" she says in an awkward voice and do I see her face blushing? Her voice instantly sends chills down my spine, as if it was the best thing I heard in a long time. "Hello Karma" I say almost cold. Why did I say this so emotionless? Damn it, it is almost 10 years ago that everything happened, people would think that we can discuss these things in a mature way. Or maybe not at all. Not at all would work well for me. But that doesn't matter anyway. "What are you doing in Austin, I thought you moved away to become a writer?" How does she know that? We never talked again after what happened. "Well yeah, I'm visiting Lauren, she's right over there" I point to the meat section of the store. It's so weird standing here with Karma and having Lauren right over there. I mean she basically became my best friend in my senior year of high school. So somehow she replaced Karma in a way. She's been there for me ever since. "Oh okey, well it was nice to meet you Amy, maybe we'll see each other around." I look after her as she trails away with her shopping kart. Fuck it, she still uses the same perfume like she did back then, I can't handle it right now. Why did I come to Austin? Why couldn't I stay in LA where I built my perfect life now? With the best room mate ever, Liam. We both are still not over the fact that we became friends over some one who broke our heart. And I'm glad that the incident only happened once, you know, that we .. slept together. The thought alone lets me shiver. "What was that all about? Who was that?" Lauren snaps me out of my thoughts and looked at me confused. "Well, that was the good old Karma Ashcroft" I say blankly as we move to the cue. Even though I don't look at her I can clearly imagine Lauren's Face. Eyes are widened, face is pale and of course the yaw is dropped. I can't help but chuckle at this face everytime. "No way, I though she was away this weekend, that's the only reason I invited you. I didn't think we would meet her here." I stop and look at her confused. "You know when she's in town and when she's not? How come you have such close contact with her?" Lauren looks at the floor and starts to blush, she keeps quiet for a few moments and I already wanted to ask her again when she decided to speak. "You know how Pablo and Shane are dating, right?" They still are? Good to know, but I won't say anything so I just nod. "Yeah well, Shane lives with Karma now, they really bonded over their desire to stand in the spotlight. And after the whole disaster in high school Shane decided not to tell you." More like he decided to not talk to me at all any more since I moved in with Liam. Oh that must have been because of Karma, because it "hurts her to see us together", goddamnit. I bet they talk about me all the time, or at least I hope they do. So I'm not the only one who always thinks about her. Still. And it would also explain how she knows what I'm doing right now. Lauren starts talking again. "Pablo decided to go hiking this weekend and wanted Shane and Karma to join him, he said that they were thrilled to to it, but it doesn't seem like it now." "Well, no it doesn't. But why wouldn't you invite me if she's in town? I'm mature enough to handle stuff like that, like Karma." She looks at me with a raised eyebrow and starts walking again. "Yeah you can clearly handle it" she chuckles at her own words. "It's not like I can see your tear drop that you couldn't suppress" She turns around and winks at me. Wait what? I bring my hand to my face just to feel the tear drop. Yep, there really was one, and I didn't realize it. Well I guess Karma's jace just opened old scars. Wonderful. I wipe the tear away and frown at Lauren's amusement. We pay, go outside and head home. I still can't believe that exactly that happened what I said would happen in the beginning. I said that one day we would say polite hello in the grocery store and pretend that we don't know anything about each other. "I need to talk to Liam" I say as I pick out my phone and I start texting.

_You'll never guess who I ran into._

_3 guesses?_

_Yep_

_I only need one : karma, everybody else wouldn't be interesting. Did she talk to you?_

_Apparently I'm an open book for her and she still gets informations about me._

_Okey, so how do you feel now?_

I sigh deep and decide to call him.

"Are you sure it was her?" Oh Shane, I roll my eyes at him, thank god he can't see that through the phone. "Yes of course I'm sure, I talked to her." I snap at him. "Hey hey, calm down miss aggressive, so that doesn't sound that bad?" Yeah, he's right actually, it really isn't that bad that I ran into her. It's just that I can't stop thinking about her now. Again. That's the only reason why I decided to call Shane. "It feels like it all starts again. Everything I put behind me is suddenly in my brain again. Why is she doing that to me? It feels like my heart breaks for the 3rd time because of her ..." "Wait a second, she's not doing anything, young lady. The only thing she does is visiting her sister and best friend, and that's not a crime as far as is reckon. So just stick to what you're good in: not leaving the house until she's gone again." I frown, but what if I wanna see her again? "Great plan, but I don't know when she's leaving again." Shane with his amazing plans, they always go wrong. It's just like in high school when he offered me his help to get over Amy. And see how well that worked. I was devastated my whole senior year because I thought I'd never see her again. And I bribed Pablo into giving me every gossip he knows about Amy. I mean everybody knows that Lauren talks a lot about people. I still know everything about her. I think I should meet her. I could call Lauren's house since she's staying there. "Earth to Karma!" Shane snaps me out of my thoughts "Are you there Karma? Or are you on planet lesbian-fantasy?" I could hear him smirk. Great. He knows that I still put Amy over every one. Even after what she did back then. But I mean come on that was 10 years ago, things like that are forgotten and forgiven, right? I mean I wasn't a lamb either, I was really cold and distant and didn't listen to her at all when she tried to explain everything. Now I know that she was drunk and heartbroken .. because of me. "Clearly you're on Planet Amy right now, should I leave you to your weird fantasies?" I can't help but chuckle at his dumb comment. "No you don't have to, but I'm way too distracted to hold a conversation." "I figured he" he says amused. "So then I'll let you think about everything, don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, honey. I beg you." His concern makes me smile and I'm really happy to have him as a close friend. "Me? Something stupid? Never!" I say statistically "That's what worries me Ashcroft. But I hope that you make the right decision this time. Love you, bye!" I smirk. "I hope so, too. See you on Sunday, love you." With those words I hang up. I think back to the times we were still best friends. I think about this one song I wrote and I remember the lyrics clearly. _When I'm with you I don't have to hide. When I'm with you I can be myself. Something changed the moment we kissed, I never knew we could feel like this_. Thinking back now it really fits me and Amy. Even though I accepted my feelings after I shut Amy out of my life, I think it was a real thing. I can call her my ex-girlfriend. We dated. We did. I miss her. I miss her bad. I'm going to call her .. and then? What am I going to say? I can't just call her and tell her that I miss her, she'll hang up on me, I mean hello? I left her alone all these years. She's happy now without me. She doesn't need me. I feel the tears forming in my throat and try to suppress the crying. Well she might be happy without me, but I'm clearly NOT happy without her. I need her back in my life so badly it hurts. The tears win and my eyes start to drown and after a few seconds everything in my apartment is a blur through a veil of tears. Silent tears. I'm not the type for a loud cry any more. I cried to much over Amy to be. I try to get to my bedroom but stumble over my guitar on the way. It's my old guitar I got from Amy to my 13th birthday. It's too much for me. I let myself fall on the knees and start sobbing like a baby. I lie down on my floor and just stay there crying hugging me knees. I stare at the guitar which has a dedication from Amy on its back. _For my favourite person in the whole wide world, so that you can fulfil your dreams and sing me to sleep for the rest of my life._ Yeah, that's what I always did on girls weekend, I sat there one evening and just sang a song for her and she fell asleep with a smile on her face. The most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I feel so pathetic lying here but I can't help it, I can't move.

After an hour I finally calmed down enough to stand up and walk around again. I turn on the radio to distract me. It plays one of my all time favourites. _Somebody to you_ by _the Vamps_. I love that song and sing along, I feel like dancing somehow, but I can't. All I wanna be, yeah all I ever wanna be, yeah, yeah is somebody to you. With that line of the second chorus I decide to take the phone. It rings a few times.

"Hello?"

"Hey Lauren, it's Karma, I know it's weird, but can I talk to Amy, please?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" She could probably hear my scream through the phone and I stare at Lauren in disbelieve. "Are you crazy?" Lauren half whispers half snaps at me, "Hello?! I have the phone right here in my hand! So are you going to take her call or should I tell her that you're busy?" I take a deep breath. After my scream she knows that I'm not busy if I say no to the call. But if I take it she'll ask why I screamed. Puh that's a toughy. "Oh yeah, take your time to think, no I don't have to pay the phone bill in my apartment, yeah, my secretary over there pays for everything." Lauren points annoyed to the empty chair in the corner of the room. I close my eyes and open them again. Lauren stares at me impatiently. I bite my lip and reach for the phone. Lauren hands it to me and throws her hands in the air. "Finally she made a decision, a miracle! Don't do anything stupid Raudenfeld, I know where you live" she shouts and walks in her room. At least she gives me some privacy.

"Hello?" I hear her letting out a breath, well I guess she was holding it. She must be really nervous.

"Hey Amy! Look I know this is weird, and I don't really know if I should be calling, but I couldn't help it. And then there was this song on the radio that made me think of you and.."

"Karma! Breathe! It's fine, it's just surprising that's all. Keep calm." I hear her panting on the other line and sigh.

"You didn't sound excited when I called. I heard your screaming. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called." It's like I could hear her frown through the phone. I actually did want her to call .. or no, I didn't .. well who am I kidding, I almost called her a few minutes ago, but I couldn't let her know that.

"Like I said Karma, it's fine. But what now? You called, but we have nothing to talk about."

There's a moment of silence before she starts talking again. "No, actually we have a lot to talk about, we didn't talk in 9 years, and that one year before was just because of school work. We have a lot to discuss and talk about. Well, only if you're interested in my stories, cause I know I am in yours."

Well, of course I'm interested in her stories, everything I know, I know because of Lauren .. and that's not much, because I have to act like I don't care about her. But again, I shouldn't talk to Karma, this brings me back so many steps in recovery. And why is she suddenly not mad at me any more? I remember how she talked to me back then: _"How could you do this to me? You broke my heart twice already now!" "What I broke your heart? How about you broke mine when you rejected me?!" "I'm sorry that I can't force feelings that aren't there, but you slept with my fucking boyfriend! That's a whole other chapter of betrayal my dear!" "I told you, I'm sorry, I was drunk, I can't even remember that we actually, you know .." "Yeah, I know, you slut! Just because you're drunk doesn't justify that you had sex with him!" "Karma, please forgive me! I'd do anything, you know that! I'd even watch princess protection program with you and you know how much I hate this movie." "No Amy, this time you went too far. As goes for Liam, I never want to talk to the both of you again!"_

"Amy? Please say something. Don't leave me hanging, please." Oh snap, I completely forgot that I had Karma on the phone. "How about we meet up tomorrow? Then we can catch up with everything. What do you say?"

"I don't think it's a good idea Karma, after everything that happened. I don't think I can look you in the eye." I look at the floor, should I meet with her? Should I see her and provoke the possibility that old feelings might find their way up again? I'm so confused.

"Why shouldn't it be a good idea? Come on Amy, we didn't talk in so long" Yeah, and I know exactly why. I'm so happy right now, that I can't see her face, cause I know exactly, that she pouts and I really couldn't handle that. "Please Aims, I know you want to meet me, I know you do." She whispers in the phone. Her begging sends shivers down my spine. I can't deal with her.

"No Karma, please don't do this to me, I worked really hard to get over you. I shouldn't even be talking to you."

Again there is this pause, she's thinking. She's thinking how to convince me. I'm screwed. "Well, let's play a game, shall we?"

"Oh please Karma, no."

"We'll make a debate if it's a good idea to meet, or not. I say the things on the pro side and you say the things on the con side." I groan, I knew it. "I start" she sings the words with excitement. "1st I really want to see you Amy, because I missed you like crazy, 2nd we promised to always be there for each other, 3rd even when family loses their sight, they always find a way back to each other and you know I'll always be your family, and 4th I want to hear all about your new book, after I read your first one."

My lips curl up at one side to a familiar smile that is only reserved for her. She knows about my book, she bought my book, she knows about my next book, she kept up with the stuff I did. I'm seriously impressed right now. "Well when you put it that way .." I sigh defeated. "But let's be honest Karma, It will never be as it was before, you know that, right?"

"Who said it has to be? Like I said, we are family, nothing ever really changes between us, well maybe a few things, but that could be really good!"

She sounds so excited and I love it when she's excited about something. I sigh again. I really can't deal with her. "Okey Ashcroft, I will meet with you, under one condition"

I hear her squeal in happiness on the other line. "Anything Amy! I would do anything."

"We meet in a public place, a restaurant or something." I can't deal with you in private.

"There is this really cute new burger place on Johnny Morris Road, we should totally go there! I pick you up at 5 tomorrow."

"I think I'd rather drive there by myself it that's okey, and can we do 7? I have a lot on my plate for tomorrow"

"Oh .." She sounds a bit disappointed but that voice is gone in a second back to excited. "That's fine by me! I'm just happy I'm going to see you. Don't be late, Amy! See you then!" And with those words she hangs up the phone.

What did just happen? I seem to have a lot of WTF moments with Karma nowadays. Lauren strolls back to the living area when she doesn't hear me talking any more. She looks curious but she doesn't want to cross a line. I nod and she immediately starts her question. "What did she want? She sounded eager. Are you okey? Is everything alright?" I stop her "Hey, one question at a time please. So first of all, she just wanted to catch up after she saw me today, but I don't really think she need catching up, she gets plenty information about my life already." I say raising an eyebrow at Lauren who starts to blush instantly. "Second I'm fine, why shouldn't I be, and yes everything's alright. But ask me again tomorrow, cause then it will be a whole different topic." Lauren frowns at me and I can't help it to stare on the ground. "Speak to me Miss Trouble, what did you do this time? Don't tell me you're meeting her." I start blushing and I bite my lip. I must look like a guilty puppy, at least that's how I feel right now. "Oh no, you didn't. Amy! You know this won't end well!" "Yes, of course I know, but you know how I am around her, she seduced me into saying yes. She's always been my family I should give her this chance." "she hasn't been your family in the last decade." She snaps. Lauren is clearly not happy with the whole situation, but what am I supposed to do?

I smile my brightest smile and clasp the phone against my chest. I sigh deep and sink down against the wall. I decide to call Shane again.

"Hello my dear, so what dumb thing did you do this time?"

"Yeah, hi lovely, I'm fine, thank you."

"Darling I hear your smile through the phone. Don't tell me you called her"

"Maybe I did..."

"No Karma, come on! We talked about that! Don't go back all the steps we went through together"

"You sound like I was a desperate little child" I frown "I'm going to meet her tomorrow and then we see how everything develops from there."

"Are you insane? Are you listening to yourself? Come on, Karma, don't let that bitch near you again! You recovered so well from everything!" He sounds really angry, but come on, I really missed her. "And wait … she said yes to meeting you? Is she the one who's insane? You both belong in a nuthouse."

"Hello? Mister know-it-all, could you please come down from your rage trip? It's just dinner ..."

"Just dinner?! With you two it's never "Just dinner" and you know that!" Great. He's pissed. I shouldn't have called him. I should have kept it to myself and if it went well tomorrow I could've told him then.

"It will be just dinner, I know exactly that she's going to be reserved and distant, she was like that on the phone." I can't help but smile. I talked her into meeting me. That sounds so mean, but it's so us. I mean the _us_ from 10 years ago. And maybe after tomorrow we will be friends again.

"She was distant? Then why did she … no … no Karma, seriously? You talked her into something she didn't want? Again? Never can I leave you alone without you doing something completely out of line" I sighs deep. Yeah right, like I'm the only one who makes mistakes. And by the way this is nothing outrageous.

"Hey, stop it! Remember what you did when I was in New York for my audition? You completely wrecked the house, so don't blame me for doing something that might make me happy."

"Yeah, might. Emphasis on the might. And it might not work and you know that. Don't let me say "I told you so" when she rejects you and you fall down the rabbit whole again. But anyway, tell me how it was, call me right after she sends you home, yeah?"

"Haha, real funny. But yes, I will. Don't you worry. Have a nice evening and please don't tell me anything about that." I say with a look of disgust on my face. I love Shane, I really do, but his bed-stories with Pablo are just too much for me.

"I won't I promise. And just so you know, I just winked at you through the phone." I can't help but chuckle. "Don't be up too long miss Ashcroft and have fun tomorrow, bye."

I put away the phone and change in my sweats and a comfy t-shirt. I didn't really look at the shirt, but when I looked in the mirror I see that it's an old shirt that once belonged to Amy. The universe is sending me signs here, clearly. When my parents taught me one thing then it's that the universe has strange ways of working. I smile and go to my bed. I watched an old Netflix cue again from 12 years ago. Oh how I loved those shows. And how much I loved _her_.


	3. Chapter 3

The sunlight shines through my window the next morning and I wake up next to tissues and my laptop. As I turn I hear something fall off my bed. Empty frosting buckets? What the hell? Oh yeah I remember .. the shows last night made me a bit too nostalgic and I lost it a little bit. Wait .. What time is it? I search for my phone, it must be here somewhere. Ah great, underneath the tissues, gross .. doesn't matter. Gosh it's 11am already. I have 3 missed calls and an IM. Everything from Stiles, my boss. I open the message.

I hope you have your playlist worked out for tonight, take your opportunity Ashcroft.

-Stiles

What is he talking about? It's not Friday already. I look at the calendar. Wait. It's Friday! Shoot! I have my gig in the pub tonight! I can't bail on it, I begged Stiles for too long! I'm screwed, I can't bail on Amy, she would think I didn't want to meet her in the first place. Why am I so unorganized? What the fuck am I going to do? I stroll through my apartment thinking. There has to be a way out of my misery. I could invite her to the concert. No. She wouldn't come. Lauren would convince her not to. I'm so fucked, why couldn't I remember that it's Friday? I've dreamed of this opportunity for so long. I hate myself right now. I have to decide. Amy, or career. I mean, yeah of course I would choose Amy over career, but I can't lose my job, and if I cancel tonight I don't know how to make it up to Stiles. Goddamnit. Why is life so complicated? I let myself fall on the couch and hug my knees. I stare at my guitar again. There is this song. This song is stuck in my head for 10 years now. I play an acoustic version of it all the time. Wonderland by Kesha. I normally don't like Kesha, but she really got me with this song, it describes exactly what I miss in life. I grab my guitar and start to play. As I hit the chorus I start to sing.

_Back to wonderland.  
>Where it all began.<br>Everything was so simple then, living life like our last weekend.  
>Wish I could find my way back to wonderland.<em>

I think back to girls-weekend and how everything was before the whole fake-lesbian incident. I was happy only having Amy in my life, why did I want to change that? Why did I want to ruin everything good in my life? Why do I have this need to be popular, to be famous, to be .. loved? I guess it's true, you really learn to value something once it's gone. All I need for happiness in my life is her. As a friend, that's enough for me .. I think. I have to figure out something about tonight. If I can think at all right now. _"Just think about it Amy, it will be amazing once I'm famous, I'm going to take you with me everywhere." "Yeah, well but what will I work then? I can't do nothing." "Don't be such a downer, we'll figure something out. How about you'll be my manager, or assistant? I would love you to bring me coffee." "Don't mock me! Who knows, maybe one day I'll be famous and barely know your name." "Keep that tongue in your mouth dummy, and come on, as if you set foot somewhere in this world without me."_ Well I guess Amy was right back then. She's the famous one right now, or the one becoming famous. And who am I? I start to sing in a local pub in the suburbs. I have the big deal. I bury my face in a pillow that lies on the couch. Back then everything was perfect. And now? She was right, we shouldn't meet. If we talk about our lives I'm going to be depressed. She's been travelling, lives in LA and published a book. I stayed in Austin, went to the state university and work at a pub. Look who's the winner. She'll think I'm a complete waste. Oh my fucking god what did I think when I asked her out? Well I didn't even really ask her out. I panic as I run through my apartment and catch the glimpse of my phone. I grab it and call a number.

"Cooper?"

"Lauren, it's me again, Karma."

"Sorry Karma, Amy's not here at the moment, she's doing some research in the library."

"Can you pass a message for me?"

"Why don't you call her on her cell?"

"Because I don't have the number?"

"Oh yeah, right. Okey sure, I can pass a message."

My heart starts to race, how am I going to put this without seeming like a complete bitch? Well I can't, especially not to Lauren. Great, I'm in a dilemma.

"Hey look, if you want me to pass a message, you should give me a message." She sounds annoyed. She never liked me, so why should she like me now?

"Well, I have to cancel dinner tonight, because I have to work, I just remembered today, that I have this gig in the pub and it's really important and I can't bail on it, because I begged for so long and if I did cancel I would probably lose my job and..."

"Oh come on!" she interrupts me. "It would have been enough to say you have to work, if you got so much explaining to do it sounds like you've got something else to do and just lie to get you out of the situation."

"But it's the truth." I frown, how can she say I want to get out of the situation? I want nothing more but to see Amy. Well yeah, somehow she's right … but still.

"I don't care if it's the truth, I'm fine with you cancelling dinner, you don't deserve to see Amy again." And with that she hangs up.

I'm standing in my kitchen with my phone in my hand, my mouth open, eyes wide in disbelieve. She didn't just say that, did she? I shake my head and put away the phone. Lauren is unbelievable. This bitch dares to say I'm not good for Amy? Oh don't try Karma, you know she's right. Without you Amy is finally in the spotlight, and there is no Karma who wants it all to herself. I really can't deal with this right now. I change into my running gear and head outside. Being on a run normally works miracles for me.

Without even noticing I find myself in front of the library. Great, even my subconscious really wants to see her, and before I can think I head inside. Yeah I won't be noticed in the library in my running gear, I shake my head at my own weirdness and stalker like behaviour. Which section should I go? I mean I know where she is, she's in the history section searching for evidence she can use for her new book. I know it's a sequel for her first one and that played in the 50ies. So I guess she must be there. I head down to the fantasy section to check for any good recommendation so I don't feel that guilty for being here. I really feel like a stalker right now. But who cares, I'm going to see her, without being a complete twat. And well, no good new books as always. So I head down to the history section and I immediately see the blonde hair through the shelves. I look around, there are a few people here, so if I just stare at her they might see it and I might look like a complete creep and they might throw me out. I go to the shelve next to Amy and go behind it, I take a book from she shelve so I can pretend to read and see her through the whole in the shelve. I'm so creepy, if she knew I was here she would freak. She's so peacefully absorbed by the book she's reading, oh she's so cute when she does that. Okey concentrate Karma, you cannot think like that. When you will talk with her, she's only a friend nothing more. But really, why is she so fascinated by a history book? When I look closely I can't believe my eyes and I have to suppress a loud laugh. What the hell? The book she's reading is upside down, what's wrong with her? I can't suppress the slight chuckle that escapes my throat and people start to look at me confused. What book am I even holding in my hands? "The School System during World War II" whoops, I shouldn't laugh with that one in my hands, I blush and look down at my feet. When I look up again Amy is still standing there staring at her book. She didn't move and inch since the last time I look at her, she must be deeply in thought. Suddenly she shakes her head as she'd just woken up from a long daydream. That would explain a lot though. She looks confused at her book turns it around, frowns and puts it back in the shelve. She turns around and looks directly in my direction and as the stalker freak I am, I hide behind the shelve. Very discrete Karma, very discrete, I'm really proud of myself. Wow, even my thoughts are getting sarcastic. I facepalm myself and sink down to the floor. People are looking at me, but I really don't care. I turn around to look through the shelve from down below, so she really can't see me, but she's gone. Some body passes me and kicks my foot by walking by "excuse me" a really distracted voice said and I turn around in horror to see Amy passing me absorbed in another book. I let out a deep breathe, well that was close. I can't be here any more, but it's a good thing I am actually, so now I can go to the music section and think about my playlist for tonight, I have a really good idea for the theme of my performance.

"If we were faking it, would I do this?" And here we go again. The only thing I really considered a mistake in my life plays in my head on repeat. I put away the book in my hand and sink down to the floor. It's pretty clear that my research failed. Why is she in my head again? I was clearly over her, when I started to date Jasmine. Our second date went so much better than the first one, without this awkward kiss I planted on her. But that relationship is already 8 years ago and I never think about her. We occasionally talk, because we decided to stay friends, but other than that? Nothing. So why do I keep thinking about her? I should go home. And no not Lauren's home, my home. Back to LA. I should cancel dinner tonight, I just can't. I stand up and head outside. I have this weird feeling that I saw Karma as I pass the music section, but her in a library? Yeah, right, good one.

Back at Lauren's I make myself some tea. "Oh hey, didn't hear you coming in." "Yeah, your spare key comes in handy when I don't want to talk" I don't even look at her, I'm completely concentrated on the tea, of course I can make it in my sleep, but if I look at her, she'll know something is wrong. "Oh hey, by the way, Karma called, she cancels dinner tonight. She has to work or something." A feeling of relieve spreads out in my whole body. "Oh really? What does she work?" I ask nonchalant. "She works in this really shitty pub in the suburbs, she's playing music tonight, she said she worked really hard for this and couldn't bail on it." Lauren says while reading the In Style magazine. I feel a sudden rush of excitement and turn around to look at Lauren. "Oh really? Where exactly is this pub you're talking about?" She puts down her magazine and raises an eyebrow. "No Amy, you're not going there. This is a really bad idea and I'm not letting you." "I would only be there for a few minutes, she wouldn't even know I'm there." "That's not the point dumbass. It's the fact that you want to see her and that is not a good thing." I frown at her comment. "You know I'm over her, but I promised to be there when she performs in front of strangers for the first time and I somehow feel like I owe her that." "You owe her nothing and you know that. You're not going end of discussion." She snaps at me, but I can't help but to chuckle. "Oh really? You want to forbid me to go there? You know I'm a grown woman right?" She smirks at me with her mischievous smirk. "Yes, but you don't know where the pub is, so you won't go." She puts her magazine back up and ignores me again. Fuck, she's right. What now? I mean, I could call Shane and ask him .. or I could just search through google maps. Karma lives in the suburbs, I know that, so somewhere near her place must be the pub, right? When I think correctly, she doesn't own a car, so it must be somewhere she could walk. I stroll to my laptop and pretend I have this amazing idea for my book so Lauren doesn't get suspicious. I look through Google Maps and search through the suburbs, I only know the vague direction where she lives, but it's enough for my trained research skills. Okey, I think I found something that looks like a pub. I click on the pictures. There is even a picture from the staff and I can see Karma, smiling her signature picture smile in the camera. Perfect, I found it. I smile the biggest smile ever and I'm actually proud of myself. "Are you so proud of your own work" Lauren looks at me suspicious. "What? No, I just had this amazing idea, but to realize it I need to check something out tonight, would this be a problem?" Oh please, say no, please say no, please say no. "Hey, you said you needed some time for yourself, and I offered you a place to stay, that doesn't mean I'm your entertainment program." Oh thank god Lauren has other things to do than to babysit me. "Can I borrow your car tonight? It's kind of on the other side of the city. Do you mind?" "I really don't care, Amy. Just let me read." I sigh in happiness. I'm going to see her perform. I note down the address so I can find it later and head into the bathroom.

I arrive on time thanks to GPS and navigation. When I enter she's already on the stage preparing to sing, the pub is emptier than I thought by I still hope, that she doesn't see me. Well maybe the lighting on stage is bright enough so she can't see the audience. I stand next to the bar and fixate my eyes on her. Her style is again so Karma. A flower dress with black tights and boots. It looks perfect on her with the newly chocolate brown hair, I love it. "Hey guy, thank you so much for coming, I'm going to sing a few song for you tonight, I hope you enjoy them." She looks so happy on stage, I hope everything goes well. "I felt a bit nostalgic in the last few days, so I thought why not sing some songs from throughout the years that mean a lot to me? I'm going to start with a wonderful song called _Why don't you love me_ by _Hot Chelle Rae_, I hope you enjoy it." And she starts singing. Her voice is still perfect, she practised a lot in the last decade I can tell, but why did she choose this song in particular? I mean, yes it's a great song, but still. There is a small applause after the first song and she announces the next one: _Ed Sheeran Give me love_. There is a scheme here I think. Is she only going to sing love songs? And why is she singing love songs? Has she a new lover? I mean it's possible, right? During her third song _somewhere in neverland_ by _All Time Low_ I realize that somebody stares at me, I look to my left to the bar. There sits a thin, young woman, my hight with very long brown hair and hazel eyes. She keeps staring at me. What is wrong with her? Oh what ever, I'm here for Karma, that's everything. After her forth song, which is _Fix a Heart_ by _Demi Lovato_ she gives a little speech. "The next song is my last cover song, it is actually the most important song in my life. It means the world to me, because the person I connect with the song is my world." And with those words she starts the most perfect acoustic version of _straight up_ by _Paula Abdul._ Our song. I have goose bumps everywhere and I can't stop smiling. Until I see her teat up on stage. Oh what would I give to hold her in my arms right now, but I can't and not only because she's on stage and I'm in the audience, but because I'm not here to talk to her. After she finishes the song she smiles at the floor for a few seconds before speaking again. "I have only two songs left for you guys" There's a disappointed booh sound in the crowd and I hadn't realized it has grown so big. The people almost don't fit in the pub anymore. I'm so proud of here right now. "But the good thing is, they are two originals, I wrote them both about ten years ago, when I wrote the first song, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing, who I had feelings for and with who I would end up with, but fact is, that I was so confused that I dedicated the song to the wrong person and later I realized that the person this song is about is somebody completely different." She starts playing the song from the Skwerkel. What did she mean with her speech? Did she really have feelings for me and not for Liam? No I must be delusional. I can't think straight right now. But what she said sounded exactly like I'm the one she had feelings for. Who am I kidding, Karma never had feelings for me. "So guys, this is my last song, I hope you enjoy it." I never heard the song she starts playing, why have I never heard that song before? She must have written it after she broke the contact. Concentrate Amy and listen to the lyrics.

_I look at you, you look at me  
>I don't want this to sever,<br>looking at you makes me feel  
>like this might be forever<br>The sunlight in you face  
>The way you bite your lip<br>All your little things  
>Make me lose my grip<em>

_Your blonde hair flowing in the wind  
>Your green eyes like a summer day<br>Your weird obsessions and stupid jokes  
>Make me feel no other way<em>

_I wanna be with you day and night  
>I wanna take care of you<br>I know it sounds cheesy  
>But I might've fallen for you<em>

_Your blonde hair flowing in the wind_

_Your green eyes like a summer day  
>Your weird obsessions and stupid jokes<br>Make me feel no other way_

It's a beautiful song, and I really want to know who it's about. No Amy, you don't, you will never talk to Karma again. Oh fuck it, I grab my book from my bag that I always carry around for writing down ideas and write something on a page, rip it out and hand it to the barkeeper. "Can you make sure Karma gets this note from me? It's really important, thank you." He just nods and takes the piece of paper. I head out of the pub before Karma ended her goodbye speech.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey girl, that performance was amazing! I hope you'll get big one day, then I can say, I saw her very first performance." With a laugh and a slap on my back the stranger goes away. The tenth guy tonight. I sit at the bar and stare at my fourth beer. I feel weird. I had the awkward feeling of her presence during my performance, but I couldn't see her, there were too many people. Oh and yeah right, she wasn't there obviously, cause she doesn't want to see me. I lay my head down on the counter. "I'm seriously considering to hire you a few more times, but if you're always that miserable after a performance I really need to rethink my plan." I look up to a smiling Stiles who dries a glass while glaring at me. I frown at him and lay my head back down. "He's right Karma, don't make such a long face, you were amazing." Paula normally gets me and I can always talk to her, but today I really don't feel like anybody's company. I growl and try to sign them to shut up, but they just ignore it. "Hey look darling, if you're not happy with your performance, we can give you tough love if you want, or we could try and make you laugh or something?" She's so sweet when she tries to cheer me up, just like in college when I had a break down because of .. her. She was my room mate back then and helped me through the toughest time of my life. We really bonded over helping each other. "That's really sweet of you guys, but I really just want to sit here and get drunk and try to get along with my pathetic life." I look up, just to take a sip of my beer and see their concerned looks on their faces. "Seriously Karma, what's wrong? Everything was how you imagined." I look at her with a raised eyebrow. "You know I wanted to be famous by this time. And I told you I met Amy yesterday. She's successful and I'm a big fat loser." I let my head fall on the counter again and groan in disappointment of myself. "You're not a loser, and what if she's successful, you're going to be famous one day, and rich and you'll have a huge mansion and a beautiful husband and.." I interrupt her. "You know I don't want a husband, I'm not capable of love. And I dreamed to be famous with her by my side." I know exactly that she frowns at me right now. "We both know that you are capable of love and that that's one of your biggest issues. And please stop talking about her, you're so in pain when you do." "I just wish she would've been here tonight, I would've loved to see her face and to be with her." After I don't get an answer to my statement, I look up again to catch Stiles and Paula look at each other suspicious and shy. When they see me looking, they look caught and start to blush. "Guys? What's going on here? What aren't you telling me?" They both look at each other for the others support but no one speaks for a minute or so. Paula is the first to talk. "Well we actually didn't want to tell you, but to be honest, I saw her here. She's been here Karma, and she listened to your performance." I look at her is disbelieve with my eyes and mouth wide open. "Are you sure it was her? Like seriously? I mean you never saw her in real life, it could have been someone who looks like her. How did she look like, can you explain?" "Whoa Karma, chill." Paula throws her hands up in defence. "Yes, I'm sure it was her, pretty sure, you described her to me with every detail in freshman year, remember? And I saw the pictures on your phone, I'm sure it was her." I try to think but I can't and the next question just blurts out. "How did she react to my song choice and especially to the last song?" Paula starts smiling and my body releases some tension. "Look, she was smiling through the whole performance, well not the part when you started to cry, but other than that she seemed pretty happy to be there and to hear you sing." I let out a deep breathe. "Did she notice you looking at her?" She chuckled a bit and answered. "Well I stared at her confused, because I couldn't believe she was there, it felt like royalty was present." I chuckled along with her. "But yes, one time she looked directly at me, and I just couldn't look away. Bet she thinks I'm a complete creep, but who cares." She looks at Stiles and I follow her gaze. He stands behind the counter with a mischievous smile on his lips. They exchange this weird look and I look confused from one to the other. "There is this look again. Can you please explain what's going on?" I ask hopefully. "Well there was this young, somehow familiar woman on the bar, who asked me to pass you this note." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to me with a knowing smile. What's going on? Who's this note from? I take the piece of paper with a frown and open it. I recognize the handwriting instantly and my eyes widen. This can't be real.

_Dear Karma_

_It was really nice seeing you perform again, you were amazing._

_This is really something you should do for a living. I kept my promise_

_from back then and I'm happy that I did. I felt like I owed it to you after_

_everything that happened. I wasn't sure you wanted to see me, so I left_

_right after your last song. I might have a few questions considering your_

_performance, though. So if you don't mind please contact me. But do it_

_as soon as you can, because I'll be leaving for LA on Monday._

_Amy_

After her name, there is her cell phone number. I reread the note again and again until Paula starts to speak right next to my ear and made me jump. "That sounds awesome, doesn't it?" There is something wrong with this note. I'm sure this note is from her, no doubt, but if she was happy with my performance, she would've written something else. "I don't know" I say with a frown. "This sounds like a passive aggressive Amy." Stiles and Paula look at me in disbelieve. "You're kidding, right? She's basically asking you out!" I frown even more. "No, she's asking me to explain myself. When I agree to meet her, I have to confess that I had feelings for her back." Stiles and Paula both raise an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, right .. had" they said in unison. I drown my beer and ask for another one. "You sure? I think you had enough, little one." Stiles said while handing me another beer. "If you think I head enough, then why are you giving me more alcohol?" I ask with a smile on my face. "Because you're a grown up woman and I think you know your alcohol consume better than me." He turns around and starts working again. Okey, I need time to think. Would it be good to meet her, after that performance? There are old feelings creeping up again, I can feel it, is it a good idea to feed them? If I meet her and tell her about those feelings, will she be pissed or pleased? Or worse, would she not care? As I sit there fumbling with my glass of beer, I hear Paula talk again. "Look, I know what you're thinking, you're scared how she'll react when you tell her about your old feelings, but be realistic. It's so long ago, she says she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, she dated a few people after you, girls and guys. So don't you think she would handle it in a mature way?" I stare at my beer and speak my thoughts out loud. "But what if I can't handle it in a mature way? If she doesn't care that I had feelings for her back then, I'm sure I will break down in front of her. Because that means, that there is literally no chance for us in any way." "And that's a bad thing because …?" Paula asks confused, looking for some sense in my thoughts. "Because I want her to still have feelings for me." Because deep down I still have feelings for her, but I'm too fucking scared of rejection that I can't tell anybody! "You're kidding me right? Oh Karma, poor poor Karma." It's like she heard my thoughts she hugs me from the side and pets my head. "I hate to see you heartbroken." I almost start to cry when I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pull it out and Paula releases me from her grip. It's Shane.

"Hey darling," he says enthusiastic. "How was your show? Such a bummer I couldn't be there."

"It was great, Stiles considers hiring me again, so maybe on day I'll be famous after all." I say with fake enthusiasm.

"Really? That's amazing! So I'll see you perform the next time! What did you sing?"

"Oh nothing special, a few old songs and two originals" I hope he doesn't ask which originals.

"And the people liked the old cover songs? Ew, I like your originals more." He says with disgust in his voice. "Did anything special happen? Some drama? And how was the meeting with Amy?"

"Oh, I didn't meet with Amy after all. I had to work as you might remember. And did anything special happen?" I look at Paula for help. She whispers "Don't tell him, he'll talk you out of it." But maybe he would be right, I mean, I', still not sure if I should meet her. Paula is right, I shouldn't be influenced by him. "No nothing special, some guys were asking for my number, so the usual pub routine."

"Did you finally get yourself a man, or did you reject all of them as always?"

"You guessed right, I don't want some guy who tries to get the barkeeper."

"Tonight you weren't the barkeeper, tonight you were the music entertainment. You should be flattered that people want to meet you." Yeah right, I roll my eyes.

"I have to go now, I'm pretty tired and I think I had a drink too much."

"Drinking while working? Karma, you learn from me after all, I'm so proud" His voice is dripping with sarcasm and I can't help but smile.

"Bye Shane, see you on Sunday."

"Bye my dear, have fun until then."

"So you're calling her?" Paula asks with hope in her eyes. "Maybe, maybe not. I'm seriously unsure." I drown my beer and stand up. "But I wasn't kidding when I said I had still something to do, so I'm going home now." Paula winks at me and hugs me goodbye. "You know you want to see her." She whispers during the hug. She's right, I do want to see her so bad, but What if everything goes wrong then? I wave at Stiles and he shouts "You'll get the weekend off, Karma!" And I blow him a kiss as a thank you. While I head home I realize that I'm really drunk. I drowned 5 beers in like an hour, maybe that was a bit too much. Okey, maybe I'm not drunk but I'm tipsy after all. Who am I kidding? I'm wasted, I normally don't drink at all. But alcohol makes me confident and I decide to call her when I'm home.

When I arrive at Lauren's place she looks at me confused. "It's pretty late my dear, I thought you wanted to do some research?" She was watching a rerun of Lie to me, her favourite TV show. "That's what I did, I went to the old quarter and noted a few things. I think my next book will play in Austin." She looks to the screen of her TV again and asks "So you're going to be here much longer and I have to take care of you?" I roll my eyes annoyed, why does every one think I need to be taken care of? "No, I'm leaving on Monday, I booked the flight today." She looks at me again. "When were you going to tell me that? I mean I have a right to know, right?" I sit down next to her and grab the popcorn. Salty, ew, but I'm so hungry, that I really don't care. "I thought I was just staying here and you're not interested in the stuff you do." "Yes, that's right, but I still want to know when you're leaving, that's important." I smile, I know she cares for me, she just hates to admit it. "So how was the research, found anything interesting?" Her eyes are on the screen again. "I hate talking during the show, could we please watch in silence?" I haven't changed about that, I really hate when people do that. "It's just a rerun, Amy. We've both seen this episode already." I pout, but answer her question. "Fine. I found some nice landscapes that would fit in my story, I think I'm going to use them." I have really no idea what landscapes I'm talking about, I mean I've not been to the old quarter of this city in so long, the last time I've been there with Karma and her parents. "Oh, cool. That sounds interesting" she says sarcastically, but I don't mind, I'm not really into this old stuff, too. We sat there in silence for the rest of the episode and I replay the performance in my head. I still don't get the hang of her song choice. And I clearly heard the "her" in her last song. She wrote a love song about a blonde girl with green eyes. I'm blonde. I have green eyes. And the last time I checked I was a girl. Is the song about me? And as on cue, my phone starts ringing with the theme song of Pretty Little Liars. I don't know the number, maybe it's her already.

"Hello?"

"Heey, Amy!" She sounds drunk, oh please don't let her be drunk. "I've got your note, and I'm so happy that you've been there. I just hoped you would have stayed longer."

I walk into the guest room, so that Lauren isn't bothered and of course doesn't know it's her. "Hello Karma, I'm sorry I left, but I really couldn't stay."

"Oh you're lying to me. You could've, but you didn't want you. And I don't blame you for that. I wouldn't want to meet me either if I was you." She's definitely drunk.

"No Karma, that's not true and you know it."

I heard her whisper something to herself but I couldn't make out what. I only heard the words "Yeah", "definitely" and "sex" which confused me a lot.

"Look Karma, I really want to talk to you about something, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do it on the phone. Especially not when you're drunk."

"Whaaat? I'm not drunk! Who told you thaat?"

"Nobody had to tell me, so can we meet tomorrow? Or do you have to work again?"

"No I have the weekend off, because my performance was outstanding." She said the last word in a British accent as if she tried to mimic the Queen or something.

"Great, so how about brunch?"

She chuckles on the other line. "Brunch is such a couple thing to do"

I roll my eyes annoyed. "Meet me tomorrow at 11am at the café, you know which one." I say and hang up.

I walk into the living area where Lauren still watches Lie to me and tell her I'm going to bed. Without any questions with who I talked She said good night and I went to sleep.

The Next morning was weird. Lauren didn't stop asking me who I was meeting, she knew exactly the answer, but just wanted to hear me say it. I was too annoyed and too tired to play her game and finally just said "Karma. I'm meeting Karma, what are you gonna do about it?" She crosses her arms in front of me and just says "I'm not going to do anything but remind you that there is some body who's not gonna be happy if he hears about that." I shake my head and head out the door, but not without adding "go on and tell him, I don't mind. He trusts me, and why shouldn't he?" And I'm out the door.

When I arrive at the café, she's already sitting in our usual booth, tapping her fingers nervously on the table. She looks to the door and back to her fingers while biting her lip. When she sees me, she jumps up with a big smile on her face, and waves at me energetically. She wears a black skirt, a pink blouse and a denim jacket. She looks great as always with her hair falling in her face. I sigh and walk in her direction. "Hey Amy, look I'm so sorry about yesterday, I usually don't drink, but I just felt so weird and .." I cut her off before she starts rambling even more. "It's fine Karma, I'm just happy that you remembered to meet me." Her face lightens up as I say the word "happy". Maybe it was a mistake to meet her here, but no take backs now. We sit down and a waiter comes to us to take our order. "Oh my god, Amy! I haven't seen you in years, how are you?" It's Tommy, Lauren's ex boyfriend. "I'm fine, thank you. So you work here now?" I ask politely. "Yeah, it's a great place. So what can I do for you guys?" Karma orders the pancake plate as always and I decide to join her on it. The smile on her face returns as I do. After we order there is an awkward silence and I try to find the right words to break it. I see her searching through the room to find a topic. After our pancakes arrived and I sigh to start the conversation she bursts out "isn't it weird how we say cheese burger and it's a patty with cheese on top and a chicken burger is a patty out of chicken?" I glance at her confused. "What?" She looks a bit relieved. "It's just that a cheese burger has a patty out of beef and cheese on top of it." "Yeah, so?" "Well a chicken burger has a patty made out of chicken, so why doesn't the cheese burger have a patty out of cheese?" I smile at her, that's a good question actually. She always finds ways to break the ice in some way. I shake my head. "Look Karma, about your performance," "please don't tell me you didn't like it, every one else did. Even Paula." I frown "Who's Paula? Anyways, look, I'm confused about your song choice, why do you feel nostalgic in the last few days and then you play only love songs." She looks at me for a long second and lets out a breath. "Well after I met you, I couldn't get you out of my head and I decided to dedicate the performance to you, I never thought you would actually see it." So does this mean she really had feelings for me back then when she broke my heart? "I don't get it. Back then you said you didn't love me in that way. And you last song, who is the person you sing about." Her look gets very serious and her eyes darken a bit. "The song is about you, I wrote it in senior year. I know what I said to you back then and I thought it was the truth. I really did, but it turns out that you were right all along. I tried to hide my feelings, but they pushed their way up until I couldn't drown them anymore." Wow, where did THAT sudden boost of confidence come from? My mouth dropped open and I couldn't close it for a solid two minutes. "I couldn't handle my feelings, Amy. They weren't supposed to be there. So I tried to get over you, but that didn't work until sophmore year in college. And my room mate Paula helped me with that." A sudden heat broke through my body and it fills up with anger. Am I really jealous? I try to hide my feelings. "So this Paula girl is your …?" She knits her eyebrows. "What? No. She was the person I told everything about my feelings. Well she is bi, but that doesn't mean anything." The tension leaves my body again. Why am I so relieved that she isn't dating .. Paula? I don't have feelings for her, right? "So why did you play the love songs yesterday Karma? It doesn't make sense to me." I get somehow impatient. "You know how when you see some one from high school you get the old feelings for the person? Well yeah, that kinda happened to me. I really can't stop thinking about you and also singing about you." Damn it, that makes everything so much more complicated than it already is. I start to smile. "I saw you played with that guitar I got you back then. Does is still have .." "The dedication? Of course, I read it out loud when I feel down. It's the best way to cheer me up." She smiles foolishly looking down at her pancakes. She ate almost all of them while I barely touched mine. I'm somehow not really hungry anymore. There is this sudden feeling of guilt in my body that eats all the hunger. "Enough talking of feelings" I say. "Let's talk about you life." She looks at me. She looks so cute when she doesn't know what to say. "I reckon you studied music in the state university. Did you like it?" She frowned. "Did you like studying English Literature at the NYU?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "What are you doing Karma?" "It's just, that my life is so much less interesting than yours, so why bother talking about my failure that is called a life?" I frown, how could she say that? "My life isn't really that exciting, and I would love to hear from yours." "Fine." she says with a sigh "I'm gonna bore you to death with my amazing life. Well university was fine, after that I applied to recording studios and agencies to try to get me a record deal. That didn't go that well as you can see. I ended up at Stiles pub where I begged him for years to let me perform until I finally performed there yesterday. That's basically it. Great huh?" She looks down at her plate and eats the last of her pancakes. I feel so bad for her. "I mean it's not like your life. You studied at the NYU and after that, you travelled through Europe where you wrote your first novel that is now published and you live in LA, the city of stars and angles and you live in a mansion and and and." "You forgot, that I have a doctor and that I'm a college professor." I mumble in my pancakes. She frowns at me. "You know exactly that you'll be famous one day." I say laying my hand on hers. She blushes by the touch and stares at my hand, I think about withdrawing it, but I decide to leave it there. "Yeah right, but it's not gonna be worth it without you." She whispers the last part, but I can hear it loud and clear. "Who says it's going to be without me?" I smile at her. Why did I just say that? I take my hand off hers and delete the smile from my face. How stupid can a person be, I just gave her hope, I can see it in her eyes, the hopeful look of someone who's world is gonna be crushed in a second. I hate myself. "Do you think that we could make it work?" There is the question, and I know the answer. I can't talk, I really can't. "Hey, I know the question is a bit out of line, but do you want to go out with me tonight? Or tomorrow? Just one date before you leave?" The hopeful look remains on her face. I shut my eyes hard and hope that it's gone when I open them again. But of course it's not. I take a deep breathe. "Karma, I think I have to tell you something I've kept from you." The hope slightly fades and is replaced by confusion. It takes all the courage in my body to form the next sentence. "I kinda have a boyfriend."


	5. Chapter 5

"Say what now?" I sit there with my eyes wide open and my face just dropped. She can't be serious right? Everybody kept that from me? Here I am, on a Saturday morning, in my favourite café with my former best friend and crush, and she tells me she has a boyfriend after I asked her out. What the fuck did just happen?! "Well, I'm with Oliver for four years now." I try to close my mouth, but it just won't happen. "Oliver? Like in the guy you met during this one protest?" She looks at me with soft eyes and her hand again on mine. "Exactly that Oliver. I met him again after I came back from Europe, we talked and at some point it just happened. He always had feelings for me and I just had to see, that he's perfect for me." I withdraw my had from hers, she cannot be serious about all of this. This just can't be real. I'm dreaming right now, am I? "So things are serious, huh? You love him?" Her lips curl up in a shadow of a smile and she blushes a bit. "You know I hate to talk about stuff like that." I don't think I've blinked in the last few minutes, I just keep staring at her, shocked. "Well, you just told me you have a boyfriend, and I might have some questions about it." She looks me in the eye and the shadow of her smile disappears. "Yes, I love him. And is it a serious relationship? Well, in the beginning of the year he asked me to marry him. So yes, I would say it's pretty serious." Anger fills my body and tears fill my eyes. She's ENGAGED?! "Why did you keep that from me? I mean you must've told the others not to tell me." She looked me directly in the eyes with a look that I can't place. "Yes, I told everybody not to tell you, and I can't believe that really nobody did. I don't know why I wanted to keep this from you, I felt like it was the right decision and it still is." Oh hello no, it was not the right decision. I close my eyes and take a few deep breathes to calm down. When I open them again, she looks at me hopefully and I put on my best fake smile. "To be honest, I always knew, you were the one to be married first. You're so much better with commitment." I tried to sound genuine and I think she bought it when her face lights up. "So we're still good? I would hate me if my love life would come between this here." I raise an eyebrow, but still try to smile. "What do you mean "this here"?" She looks at me with a smile "Well I had the feeling, that we could build a new friendship. Maybe not like the one we had, maybe this time it would be even better. What would you say?" I stare at her, my smile had vanished again. "I don't know where you got that feeling from, we haven't talked like .. at all." She stares at her pancakes, she hardly ate any. A few moments later she mumbled "you can't deny that there is still something, Karma. So why shouldn't we try it?" I look at her and my eyes widen. "Yes Amy, there is something, but I highly doubt that it's friendship that floats in the air between us. Sure, if you want, we can try. I'd rather have you in my life as a friend, than not at all." I sigh and stand up. She stares at me wondering what I'm doing. I stand in front of her and gesture her to stand up. She slowly gets up from her seat and I pull her in a hug. Her body tenses, but relaxed after a second again. "Friends can hug, right?" I whisper in her ear. I can feel the goosebumps forming on her arms. She grabs my jacket, pulls me a bit closer and nods. We stand there like that for a few seconds and I try really hard to breathe. My mouth went dry the moment she hugged me back. She can't deny the tension, can she? I'm the first to pull away and look at her, still holding her by her hip. "By the way, you look beautiful today." I say and smile. She really does. Black pants and a white t-shirt topped off with a leather jacket, that she took off by now and a flannel shirt around her waste. Her hair is casually messed up and it just fits her. She smiles at me, takes a deep breathe and finally says "thank you, you do, too." We stand like this what felt like eternity until Tommy passed us again. "What do I see there? Is the old couple reunited? Are you guys back together?" With his words there is panic in Amy's face, she pulls away and fiddles with her hands nervously. I smile at him. "No man, we're just friends again. Was about time that we are." I wink at her and she shifts uncomfortable and blushes. I can make her blush. I, Karma Ashcroft, have still enough game to make her, Amy Raudenfeld, blush. I'm somehow proud of myself and I can't help but smirk. Fiancé my ass. When Amy sees my smirk she starts mumbling some excuse that she has to go, grabs her jacket and heads out the door. Wow, she must've felt something. Not sure what though, but definitely something.

When I arrive at my apartment I enter and toss my bag in the corner and instantly get a heart attack when I see a figure sitting on my couch. "FUCK! PAULA! Can you please not?!" I gasp for air, I almost fall backwards and try to calm by putting my hand on my heart. "It's your own fault when you don't lock your door, honey." She just sits there smiling at me. "Where were you anyway? I hoped to surprise you on this wonderful morning and you just weren't there." I let myself fall next to her and and pout at her. "Well I was having brunch with .. Amy. I called her yesterday after I got home. I was really drunk and probably shouldn't have called her, but I did anyway." Her face brightens. "What? Really? How was it?" I look at her and she could tell that it didn't go as planned. "At the beginning it was great, I told her about the background of my performance, that I had feelings for her an everything. She touched my hand at some point and I just can't." Paula looks at me with a that's-not-bad-look and I continue. "Everything went okey, until she told me she's engaged." Paula's face falls and her mouth drops open. "Oh no, she didn't. How come we didn't know that?" "Basically she asked every one to keep that from me, I still don't get why, but that's just her." She looks at me sympathetically and I really don't want it, but my eyes fill with tears. And I have no idea if it's because I'm angry, because I'm sad, because I'm disappointed, or because I don't feel anything at all. I feel so empty. Paula tugs me in a tight hug and says "I told you so often the phrase "been there, done that", but that totally never happened to me. I love you and you deserve to be loved, always remember that." I pull away from the hug, look at her and say "It's really not that at all, I don't know why I'm crying, I'm not even mad. I know her fiancé, he's a typical nice guy. He will treat her right, and I never could do that." She starts to smile. Oh no, I know that smile. "Let's do something we haven't done in a long time." "Please don't say -" "-Shopping!" She shouts and pulls me up. "We're gonna get you something cute to wear and then we'll go out tonight. How does that sound?" I sigh, I know I cannot say no to her. "Fine, let's do that." And she drags me out of the door.

"So, how was it?" Lauren asks me that for the fourth time now. I roll my eyes at her annoyed with my laptop in front of me. "Can I please work?" She looks at me with a knitted eyebrow. "Hey, you came home from your brunch with Karma, and you haven't said anything about it. Did you do something stupid?" She asks with her eyes wide. "No you meathead, of course not! I did something smart for my situation." but now I can't stop thinking about her. This hug. The tension. No, there was no tension. I shake my head. "So what did you do?" "I told her about Oliver." "And what did she say?" "She said she's happy for me, but I guess disappointed that I kept it from her for so many years." "I can understand that." I shoot her a look. Of course, everbody can understand that, that doesn't mean it can't affect me! I kept it from her, because I felt guilty. Oh I'm so stupid. Why should I feel guilty? I love Oliver, not Karma. Oliver is great, he takes care of me, has always a fun fact to make me laugh, is well-read, smart, cute and everything. And Karma .. well .. Karma is beautiful, dorky, clever, funny, has an amazing voice and still knows how to make me laugh. Oh damnit. Oliver is perfect for me, so why is there still Karma? I try to focus on my work, I wanted to get this chapter done, before Lauren takes me somewhere, but everytime I starts writing I see her face in front of me. I try for another half an hour and finally give up. "Lauren, you may make me you slave, I'm done with work for today." She looks up from her magazine and starts to smile. Oh dear god, what have I done? But well, distraction is never a bad thing, right? "OH YES!" she shouts, "We're going shopping today!" Great.

After she dragged me into 100 different shops, we get to forever 21 where she always wanted to take me to give me a make over. I groan and roll my eyes, but follow her defeated. Everything that gets my mind off of the brunette. She runs inside, sees something and is gone, how the hell am I able to find her in these halls? I rarely go shopping and if I do, I go to thrift shops, because they're much more affordable and more my stile. Though these clothes here are not that bad. I look stroll through the store, I mean, it's really not bad at all, I could live with these clothes. I pick some things up and wander further into the store wondering where the heck Lauren is. Aaaaand there is her face again. Green eyes, chocolate brown hair, perfect lips that are put in a smirk. Good thing I'm not thinking about her all the time. How am I supposed to get her out of my head? I hear the Pretty Little Liars theme song and pull out my phone. I really should change my ring tone.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey, haven't heard from you since you're in Austin. I'm a bit worried so I called. How is every one?"

"Hey Oliver, I'm so sorry, I've been working so much that I totally forgot to call." Lie. I could've called so many times, but I didn't. Thank you Karma Ashcroft. "Lauren is great. Shane is out of town for the weekend, so I don't know how he is, but yeah. I came her to work and not for people, so everything's fine."

"You sound weird, are you sure that you're okey? And remember, I can tell if you're lying." That's what she always said to me. I blink a few times before responding.

"Trust me I'm fine. I'm just tired I guess, I've been in a pub yesterday and it got a bit late." Again, lie. It wasn't late, I just couldn't sleep at all.

"You were at a pub? Did you..?"

"Drink? No, no worries, I didn't. I just watched some one perform, that's all." Oh great, now he's gonna know that I saw Karma. Who else should I see perform?

There is a long pause before he answers. I hold my breathe. "Oh, that sounds nice. So how was the performance?" I let out a breath of relief. So he really trusts me. He's the right one for me. "When are you coming back?"

"Ah, I wanted to call you about that. Can you pick me up from the airport on Monday at 10pm, please?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm happy that you return, soon. Where are you right now anyway? It sounds so loud around you."

"Oh I'm shopping with Lauren, I needed a break from all the work" and a break from .. her.

"Sounds great, I don't want to bother you any further. Call me if you need something. See you Monday."

"Okey, I will, see you."

"I love you."

I hesitate. "I love you, too." And I hang up.

I really love him, but I feel so weird. Why do I feel so weird? Before I can find an answer I hear Lauren's voice behind me. "The fiancé is worried?" I jump and turn around. "What? No. Why should he?" She raises an eyebrow. "So he doesn't know that you met her, right?" I look at my feet, of course he doesn't know. He would freak if he knew I've met her. "It doesn't matter right now. Here, I've got you some things to try on." Her face brightens as she shoves clothes at me and pushes me in the direction of the changing rooms. I stumble and almost fall when I hear a familiar giggle. My mind is playing me, right? She can't be here. I shake my head and go inside the cabin and look at the clothes Lauren gave me for the first time. "What the fuck?! You have to be kidding, right?" "What? Just because the clothes are more girlish than your normal clothes doesn't mean they're awful. I just want to see you in those. You don't have to buy them!" I sigh. In my hands are summer clothes from yellow skirts to pink tops, hot pants and dresses. Everything in bright colours. Totally my style, not. I try on one of the dresses and step out the cabin. Lauren bursts out laughing. "Thank you Lauren for this great humiliation." I say and step back to change in something different. "I have to admit, summer dresses are not really your style." But I know who can wear them. In fact, everything that lies here before me, is more Karma than anything else. And I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror without picturing her. After I try on the second skirt I mumble "fuck this" and change in my normal clothes again. When I step out with all the clothes in my hand Lauren frowns at me. "No Lauren, I will not try everything on. I look like a rag doll in them and I feel awful." She crosses her arms and sighs. "Fine, I have one last outfit for you to try on, and then you're free for the rest of the day." She grabs some clothes from around the corner and I smile instantly. She has black pants with suspenders, a shirt with hamburgers on it and a grey, loose cardigan. That outfit will be amazing. I put everything on and step out grinning. "See? There you have something that is totally you." I look down at myself, happy. "Yeah, me from 10 years ago, but I love it." I buy the whole outfit and we head home. When we arrive at her apartment I instantly put the clothes on and walk around in them for the rest of the day with a smile on my face. What a bummer that I still can't stop thinking about her. Especially now.

"Come on, Karma" Paula drags me to the next food store. "I still need so much for my kitchen supplies, please!" I sigh. "I really need to go home, I feel so awkward." After I saw Lauren picking out stuff that fits Amy in forever 21 I needed to get out of there. I was sure she was there, too. Getting my mind off her didn't work that well. I follow Paula into the store and look through the shelves of organic food. My parents had an influence on me, I know, but it isn't that bad to buy organic stuff, right? "So Karma, what's the plan now?" I look at her confused. "I mean, what are you planning to get Amy?" I frown and groan at her. "I'm not going to do anything. She's engaged. She's happy with Oliver, what could I possibly do about it?" She looks at me with her mischievous smile. "I know you Karma Ashcroft, if you want something, you take it. You've been like that since I know you." I manage a little smile. "I've always been like that, but I always had help to get what I want." "I don't think you need help this time, I think you'll manage that all by yourself with you looks and your personality. And of course with your past." She winks at me. My past? Does she mean the feelings Amy had for me back then? I mean yes, I felt her tense during the hug, but it was just a hug and it might have been because she didn't want to touch me, right? We move to the line and I keep thinking. Do I have a chance winning her over? Or would it be awful from me to interfere with her engagement? What if they would live happily ever after and we would be together for just a few years? I could ruin her life. I'd definitely ruin his. I'm torn. All I want for her is to be happy, but could I be happy if it's not with me? "$24,50 please" The cashier shakes me away from my thoughts. I pay and we head outside. "Are you down for a drink later?" Not after what happened yesterday. "No, thank you. I think I'm going to spend the evening alone. I can't do company at the moment." She looks at me sympathetic and nods. She accompanies me on my way home and pecks me on the cheek as a good bye. "Don't do anything stupid, please." She hugs me and walks off. Oh I love this girl, she's always there for me. The rest of the day I stay in bed and watch reruns of Once Upon A Time. I really get the fandom out there. Regina and Emma really look like a couple most of the time. I sigh, I really have to stop thinking about love, couples and most of all .. her.

A few bags of chips, buckets of frosting and ice cream later it's pretty late already. I should really stop eating so much unhealthy stuff. How did I even stay thin as a teenager, like seriously, I ate that stuff almost every weekend. Somehow that's pretty gross. I feel my phone buzz next to me. I look at my watch. 1am. Who's still awake at that time. I open the text message, it's from .. Amy?

_r u awake?_

_Barely, but yes. What's up?_

_Nothing, I was just wondering. Are you at home?_

_Of course I am, Why are you asking?_

_Can I talk to you? _

_Of course, shall I come over?_

_No worries, I'm already standing in front of your apartment building._

I rush to the window and look outside. There she is. Standing there in the cutest outfit ever. Black pants with suspenders and a grey cardigan.

_I'll buzz you right in _

When she arrives at my door, she looks weird. She looks confused and like she hasn't slept in days. She looks so different than when I saw her in the café. "Why are you doing this to me?" She asks. "What?" I look at her confused. "You're doing it again, Karma." I really don't get her. "We really just can be friends Karma, you know I have a fiancé." She stepped closer to me as she talked, her voice low and husky, she kept staring at my lips. "I think Oliver wouldn't be happy if there was something going on between us." I really don't know what's going on here. Our bodies are now inches away from each other, I can feel the heat of her body radiating. Her eyes switch now from my lips to my eyes. My heart starts to race and I stop breathing when her face kept getting closer. I can't move. I'm so hot right now. "I mean, really. Messed up stuff like that got us in this situation in the first place." She now just whispers and I close my eyes. My breath hitches and I can feel her smile. That's how close she brought her face to mine. I slightly part my lips, still not able to breath properly. She puts her hands on my hips and pulls me close. The only distance there is now between us, is between our lips. It's so close that I can feel her breathing on my lips. I have goosebumps all over my body and still can't move. I suddenly feel her pull away slightly and I feel a pout forming on my mouth when she closes the distance between us. Enough teasing right now as she pulls me even closer and grabs a good hold of my sweater. Our lips melt together and I can see fireworks on the inside of my eye. I smile into the kiss and pull my hand through her hair. She deepens the kiss and bites my lower lip with a smirk on her mouth. That's enough that I let a little moan escape my throat. She sees the opportunity and slips her tongue into my mouth and I pull her hair the moment our tongues collide. This time it's her who moans. I want no more distance between us and try to pull her closer, but in this moment she decides to pull away. I instantly start to pout before I even open my eyes again. When I open them I see her looking at me with so much desire in her eyes, panting. I know she wants me as much as I want her so I lean in again, but she backs off completely. I frown at the loss of contact. She closes her eyes for a few seconds and opens them again. "Like I said, I have a fiancé and we should just be friends." And I think of only one sentence I thought already today: Fiancé my ass.


	6. Chapter 6

We just stand there for a few moments, looking at each other. I shake my head and turn around to leave. I'm almost out the door when she grabs my hand and pulls me back. "Wait." Her voice is soft and full of concern. "We really should talk about this." I dare to look at her, her eyes are as soft as her voice. The desire is gone completely and is replaced with love. I bite my lip and let her drag me to the couch where we sit down next to each other. "Why did you come here Amy?" She lifts her hand, like she wants to put in on my thigh, but withdraws it again. "I honestly don't know, I just wanted to see you and .. talk to you." She smirks "Well that didn't go as planned, huh?" I chuckle lightly. "Not really, no. Actually I wanted to apologize for not telling you about Oliver, but on my way here I just couldn't stop thinking about you in a … non platonic way. And that made me so angry, because it hurt so much back then and I can't handle anything like that again. And I had a lot of time thinking, considering I walked all the way here." Her eyes widen and her mouth drops, but she doesn't say anything. "And yeah, the conclusion when I arrived here was that it was your fault. .. I know that it's not, but I can't help it … And I wanted to confront you, to scream at you, to make these feelings go away. But then I saw you standing there in sweatpants that once were mine and your favourite comfy sweater. And I really hate myself for remembering stuff like that." Her hand is now on my thigh comforting it. "I really couldn't do anything, I just needed to kiss you. But it was a mistake. I'm engaged. And I kissed some one who's not my fiancé. I'm such a bad person." I bury my face in my hands and tears start to form in my eyes. "No, you're not. You're just overwhelmed by the past. That's normal, I mean the same happened to me .. kind of." She mumbles the last part, like I wasn't supposed to hear it. I lift my head to look at her, a few tears already escaped. "Kind of?" I know I'm nosy, but I need to know. "You know, I don't think that for me it's just old feelings creeping up again, I've had feelings for you all these years. I wasn't in a relationship, because I thought we might have a chance. But I know now that we don't, lets see the kiss as a goodbye kiss. It's not that bad, because we both know that it won't happen again." She smiles at me so genuine. I think back to my high school years, after the incident with Karma, there was not a time I was single for over two months. I was always in a relationship to distract myself from her. We lived so different lives it's unbelievable. "But don't you worry, I will get over it eventually." She winks at me. I love it when she winks at me, it makes my stomach turn and fill with butterflies. I want to kiss her again, but I know I can't. "You're right. It was a kiss goodbye. Thank you so much." I smile at her. She still caresses my thigh, it's really not bad that I came here. Now we can talk about everything. "So, since when had you feelings for me?" She looks in the air, thinking. After a few seconds she looks at me again "I think it was for a long time. Just like you said, but I didn't accept it, neither did I realize them. Then when you started dating this girl, I think she was called Jasmine? I got so jealous that I once almost TP-ied her house." We chuckled both, "Yeah, I was that lame." "You were a fucking teenage girl" I say, referring to the time we stood at my locker and had this fight about Liam. She looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "You remember that fight?" I look at her "I remember everything we've done together." She grins somehow proud and a bit mischievous. "Do you also remember that one time Sam Miller stared at you during class and you thought he liked you and you never talked to him again. And when I asked him about it, he just said you had a booger hanging out your nose?" We starts laughing hard. Oh so that's what we're doing now? "Do you remember in third grade when the wind blew you skirt up and behind us were 5 boys who all saw it and you didn't want to go to school for a month?" I wink at her and she blushes. "I remember how you stood behind me, so the guys couldn't see anything. And that you dragged me to school every day because it really wasn't that bad as I thought it was." I put my hand on hers. "You were the perfect friend, Amy. Always by my side, didn't matter what I did. You were with my throughout all my stupid plans, even when you knew they wouldn't work." I smile at her. "I knew that it would make you happy if I join you, and if I didn't who would have?" "We're still family, right? We're sisters who will grow old together, with our own happy ending." She looks at me still with these soft eyes and I get lost in them. It would be a perfect life if I could spend it with Karma. "I'll always be your family. The sister you never thought you wanted. Oh do you remember the time .."

We talked the whole night about everything we did together. We really just sat there and talked, we haven't done that in so long and I haven't been this happy in a long time. She makes me happy by just being a best friend again. We didn't only talk about the things that happened in the past, but also things that happened right now. When the sun rises, Karma looks at her watch "It's almost 6 o'clock, we should go to bed, don't you think?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "Oh come on, are you afraid I might do something?" She smirks at me. You might not, but I might. I'm so happy that she can't hear my thoughts. "If you're so uncomfortable with sleeping in the same bed, I can sleep on the couch, you can have the bed." I frown "You really don't need to do that, I can sleep on the couch, or I could just walk home." "Yeah, right, like I'd let you walk back. Get a few hours of sleep and I'll drive you to Lauren's. Now go to my room, you can have one of my pyjamas. Off you go!" I pout, but do as I'm told. I look around in her room. It's girlish, but still somehow sophisticated. I look at her black board. There is this old picture of us in school, I guess right before everything happened. Next to it there is one of the pictures where we kissed. I smirk, she really does love me. She's so cute. I search through her dresser and find another pair of old sweatpants and an old shirt. I put it on and lay down. I wasn't tired before but the moment I lay down, I instantly fall asleep.

I wake up and it takes me a few seconds to remember where I am. I'm at Karma's, in Karma's bed, thankfully without her. Good, but what is this noise? I stroll to the kitchen to see her making breakfast with the radio on. She dances through the kitchen and looks really .. happy. I smile and watch her. She finally sees me when she flips a pancake and lets it fall on the ground in shock "JESUS! Christ. Oh my god, why does everybody like to scare me these days?" I raise an eyebrow? "Everybody?" She calms a bit. "Yeah, Paula walked in my apartment yesterday because I forgot to lock it and she scared the shit out of me. Are you hungry?" I nod and she takes two plates out of the cupboard. "Paula, that was you roommate from college, right?" She nods. "So there isn't anything going on between you two?" I ask with a grin on my face. "Are you fucking kidding me? No! She's great and I love her, but noo." I can't stop grinning. "That sounds to me like there had been something going on" I walk in the kitchen and take a pancake. "Well, she once asked me out, that was when I broke down in front of her and started crying because of you. Great story, huh?" Wow, the feelings for me must've been very strong. And maybe they still are. But that doesn't matter now, I'm in a happy relationship, right? "Don't just stand there eating a pancake seductively, get your ass the the table and help me setting." I salute her "as you wish, miss. Ashcroft." She rolls her eyes at me and chuckles. "Come on buttface, move." After we finished eating I decide it's time to go home. I take a shower and get dressed again, secretly putting one of karma's comfy sleeping shirts in my pocket. I'm impressed that it fits and she didn't notice. We walk to her car, it's an old and rusty Fiat 500, she always wanted one. The drive to Lauren is filled with laughter about yesterday, it's so weird that it's not awkward to talk to her about the kiss. It feels kinda right. Oh what have I done to myself? When we arrive at my destination, I smile at her "I think it was the right decision to come to you and just talk, I'm so happy that we're back to good." She starts to smile "Yeah, me too. But promise me to text me when you're back in LA, okey?" I nod, smiling and pull her in a hug. When I pull away I plant a small kiss on her lips and she raises an eyebrow again, she looks so sexy when she does. "I thought the kiss yesterday was our last." "But this one was a platonic one, between best friends." I wink and quickly get out of the car. I walk to the door without looking back. It wasn't a platonic kiss and I think that she exactly knows that. I hear her engine as she drives away and I enter the building. "YOU BITCH, you had me worried all night! I saw you crawling out of Karma's car, WHAT DID YOU DO?!" As if she knew I was gone the whole night, I bet she just checked on me an hour ago. "Chill out Lauren, we were just talking. I took a walk yesterday and somehow ended up at the suburbs, and it's a really long walk to go back again so I called Karma." Yes, I'm aware that I'm lying, but what can I do, she'd kill me if I told her about the kiss. "So there was nothing going on between you to? Are you friends again?" She's pretty curious for this "early" morning. I don't even know what time it is. "Yes, of course we're friends again. And no there was nothing, we didn't even sleep in the same bed, so no worries." She frowns and I take a look at the watch. Oh its 12am, okey, she's probably awake since 9am or something. Okey she could have been worried a bit. She suddenly hits me. "Ouch! That was hard!" I frown at her and rub my arm where she just hit me. "You deserve it, I tried to call you like a million times!" I pull out my cell phone. 10 messages, 3 from Liam, 2 from Oliver and 5 from Lauren and .. wow .. 20 missed calls from Lauren alone. I duck my head. "I'm sorry, I had my phone on silent, it always is at night." She hits me again. "Ouch!" "You seriously had me worried, and I don't worry easily, ask Pablo! Oh by the way, Pablo is coming back today, maybe he already is. I'm gonna get lunch with him, do you wanna join?" Lunch with Pablo? I like Pablo, but he's with Shane. "Wouldn't Shane mind?" "He minds his own business considering he hasn't seen Karma in like 3 days and he always freaks when he can't see his roomie." Ah right, they live together. Now I know why Karma didn't care about sleeping on the couch, I bet she slept in Shane's room. But whatever, since it's my last day in Austin, I can go and meet with Pablo. "Sure, I'll join you, if that's fine." "Oh, no it's awful when you come with, that's why I asked you." Lauren rolls her eyes at me. "Great, so I'll better get changed then." I smile and turn around to leave the room. I secretly hope, that Karma and Shane will join us, too, but I highly doubt that they will. Karma has so much to tell him. I smile foolishly to myself.

On the ride home I pictured the kiss again and again. I compared it to the kisses we shared before. It was much more passionate and I loved it. My mouth went dry and I tried hard to focus on the street. How Amy's mouth felt on mine, how her hand grabbed my sweater. Oh holy cow. Kissing Amy was the best thing in the world and damn how much I missed it.

When I arrive at home and enter the apartment I'm being hugged pretty aggressively. "Woah, Shane! You're back, it's Sunday already?" I laugh and hug him back. "You have no idea how much I missed you in the wild, Karma" Shane says pouting as he pulls away. I peck his cheek and he smiles again. "Tell me everything, how was you weekend." I ask with false enthusiasm, it doesn't matter what he was going to tell me, because my story would be better. Well, that depends if I'll tell him or not. "So, I called Paula already, we're meeting her at Paul's in an hour." Paul's is the lunch place we always go, I like it there, but I'm wondering why we're never trying anything new. "Will Pablo join us?" His face darkens, did something happen between them? "He's meeting Lauren and .. Amy." He looks disgusted, but he shakes it off a second later. "And at lunch, you're going to blab about you weekend? Great." I say with a false smile. I decide not to ask about Amy, might be suspicious to him, but I don't think he has place in his head for that. He grabs my hand and drags me outside. Well I guess we're walking to Paul's then, when we're leaving that early. "Yes, and you guys will tell me about yours!" He's way too enthusiastic for my taste, but whatever.

We drove after all and when we arrived at Paul's, Paula was already there, talking to somebody. When she sees us, she waves at us. The girl in front of her turns around and .. oh no, it's Lauren. That means, Pablo and Amy are probably inside. I'm doomed. Or wait, it's actually not that bad. I can see her again before she leaves. I smile unconsciously and Shane purses his lips when he realizes the same thing. I bet he hoped not to see Amy. I seriously don't get what he has against her, I mean they were really close friends and as soon as we became friends he ditched her, a bit shady. But whatever, I can't force him to like her again. We greet Lauren and enter the restaurant with Paula. I instantly see Pablo and Amy and wave at Pablo. He smiles at us, and shifts in his seat to signal he wants us to stop by their table. Amy turns around and looks like she can't believe her eyes, I smile at her. When we arrive at their table I brush my hand along her neck unnoticed by the boys as they greet each other. I can see the shivers it sends through her body and grin. Shane fakes a smile and greets Amy "Hello Amy, long time no see." She smiles shy but genuine. "Yeah, I've been kinda busy, I hoped to see you this weekend." He keeps up his fake smile, I raise an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, me too. What a bummer that I've been away. Well he have a reservation, so we have to jump, see you later sweetie. Bye Amy, have a nice trip home." He kisses Pablo and winks at Amy. I roll my eyes and smile one last time at Amy. "Bye guys, I hope you'll enjoy your meal." She smiles back at me, Pablo looks a bit confused. "Bye Karma, thank you, you too." I walk to the table where Shane sat down. I sit on the place I can easily watch Amy, obviously. We're only a few tables away, but we won't hear anything they're talking. Kinda sad, though. Paula finally joins us and Shane starts to talk about his weekend. We both hardly listen because she sends me knowing looks. She mouths "I know what you did last night" and winks at me. What does she .. oh hell no. That's why she talked to Lauren, or Lauren talked to her? I bet Lauren wants to know if I have any intentions. I frown at her and she grins and looks at Shane, he's deep in conversation with himself, still blabing about how sexy Pablo looks in sports gear. My look wanders to Amy's table. She was talking to Lauren about something and suddenly looks up and looks at my. She smiles and winks at me. I bite my lip, she's sending me all these messages. She kissed me twice. She looks away again as the kiss from last night replays in my head again. I swallow and look at Shane again. He's talking now how hard it was for him to sleep in the tent and how the first thing he did when he got home was to fix his hair. After he finished talking he looked at us with an enthusiastic look. "So what did you guys do this weekend? And oh my god! How was you gig Karma? Heard it was amazing." He said nudging my shoulder and winking at me. "You should've seen her, she looked so great and confident on stage, it was incredible." Paula says "And you'll never believe who came to watch her! I was astonished when I saw her." I kick Paula under the table, is she even serious?! She can't tell Shane! "Ouch!" She shoots me a look, but gets it. "So who did you see?" He asked with his head resting on his hands. "Oh, erm ..." Think good Paula. "We saw Emily there." Emily was a girl who hit on me a while back. It was believable since she goes to the pub regularly, but it's not really satisfying with this introduction. "That's all? I always see her there. You have to learn how to tell a story girl, like seriously." He frowns and we both sigh relieved. "So ladies, I have to visit the man's room for a minute, so would you please excuse me?" He says with a mocking noise and we just ignore him, eating our food. The moment he's out of sight Paula starts talking. "So, what did you guys do yesterday? Like seriously, Lauren asked me about it and I didn't know what she was talking about and now I'm so curious. I know she was at your place and slept there?!" She leans forward and almost whispers the last sentence. "Okey look, she suddenly stood there in front of my apartment and so I let her in. She was so confused and messed up and suddenly kissed me." Paula's eyes widen and her mouth drops "And then? What happened then?" "And then .." I look in the direction of the restrooms to see if Shane was coming back already. "Then she pulled away, almost cried and wanted to walk away, I held her back and we started talking. We talked all night so I let her sleep a few hours in the morning. She slept in my bed and I told her I'd sleep on the couch." "Well did you sleep on the couch?" I shake my head looking at my food. "No, I didn't sleep at all, how could I? There was the most wonderful person of the whole world sleeping in my bed. I couldn't close my eyes so I did a lot of songwriting. And I .. watched her sleep for an hour or so. She looks so peaceful." I still look at my food and smile foolishly. In that moment Shane came back and we both shoot up. "Yeah, and then this guy tried to get my number in the weirdest way." "Oh man, men are so creepy these days." He sat down and as it seems believed us the conversation. I sigh. I love him, I really do, but if he knew about the contact to Amy, he would kill me. I will tell him eventually but just not now. Shane and Paula now talk about my performance. I look at Amy again, this time she was staring at me. We sit like this for minutes, just looking at each other. The people around us fade away and for a moment it feels like there is just us in this room, looking at each other. The noise fades away and in my head there is the song _Kiss me _by _Ed Sheeran_. But it all comes back to normal when Lauren asks Amy something and she turns to her and starts talking. Suddenly the noise is back and the song is gone. I shake my head. I stand up and go to the toilet. I look at myself in the mirror for a few moments and splash water in my face to clear my head. I hear the door open and when I look in the mirror again I see Amy standing next to me. "You're seductive, you know that?" She says dryly. "What?" I say confused. "You're always staring at me, biting your lip, smiling. You brush your fingers along my neck like it's nothing and stuff like that affects me." She now turns around and leans on the sink, still not looking at me. I stand there my hands under the water and my eyebrows knitted. "You're staring at me, too. And then you wink at me, and remember you has feelings for who here, okey?" She crosses her arms and looks at me. "I really try to make this right, okey? I really do, but you make it hard not to fall for you again. I really need to stay away from you, why did you come here today?" I shake my head in disbelieve. "Well, Shane and I always go here, so we came here today, because he wanted to tell me about his trip." She raises an eyebrow, oh god I wish she would stop that. I want to kiss her so badly right now. "And you couldn't just stay at home and eat there?" "He always eats somewhere else when he was away. He can't cook and doesn't want to bother me. Well you have to deal with it now." "I really try to stay away from you, Karma, but you lips look so kissable" She comes close again, my heart starts to race. Her eyes switch from mine to my lips. "Well, you didn't do a good job in not kissing me today." I say now looking at her lips as she licks them. We stand really close right now, we both hardly breathe and I'm afraid she can hear my heart beating, because I swear the people outside the restaurant can hear it, too. We hear the door and jerk away from each other. It's Paula. I take a deep breathe in relieve that it's not Lauren. "Sorry for .. interrupting." She says with a grin on her face. I pout at her and Amy looks confused. "Wait, I know you from somewhere. You stared at me during the concert, right? You guys know each other?" Paula and I start laughing. "Well yeah, I know her. That's Paula, I told you about her." "I'm sorry that I stared at you, I just didn't expect to see you there." She winks her signature wink at Amy who looks a bit less confused. "I'm gonna pee now, so if you want to continue your mingle I won't bother you." Amy stares at me with wide eyes. "There's nothing to continue, Paula" I say while winking at Amy. I bite my lip and leave the restroom, leaving her standing there. When Amy and the others leave she looks at me again. I wave at her goodbye but she doesn't wave back. Fine, then not I guess. "She's such a bitch." Shane says "She's not that bad." Paula says to his confusion. "Where do you know her from?" He asks frowning. "I talked to her in the pee station."She shrugs. She's so weird, who in the world says pee station to the toilet? Her weirdness is adorable and I chuckle. We finish our lunch talking about weird toilet stories.

The rest of the day wasn't interesting and I fall asleep in Shane's arms while watching project runway. I wake up in my bed. He must've carried me there, he's so sweet. Or no, he's not, because I wake up from a package thrown at me. "Hey!" I shout. That was lying in front of our apartment buttface, it just says your name on it." A package for me? Delivered personally? From who could it be? It can't be from her, right?


	7. Chapter 7

I sit there for a few moments, confused. I pull out my phone to check the time. 10 am, that's pretty early for Shane to be up when he's on vacation. I rub my eyes. I have two new text messages. One from Stiles telling me I have to work tonight, well that's fine by me. And the other one is from .. Amy? _I hope your day went good after lunch yesterday. I honestly think we have to talk about some stuff again, to clear the air. I'll call you tomorrow when I thought some stuff through ;) - x Amy _… okey, why is there an "x" in the end of the text? If I'm still fully aware of the language of text messages and I guess I'm fully sane, then that means it's a kiss. I frown, what is happening here. I remember the mysterious package and put away my phone to concentrate on this issue again. My name it written on it in big bolt letters. I slowly open it, turns out it contains a beanie and a note. I know this beanie from somewhere. "No way," I whisper and grab the note.

_I read a lot of Irish drama lately and there's a quote stuck in my head: "Perhaps my best years are gone. When there was a chance of happiness. But I wouldn't want them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I wouldn't want them back." Somehow I think it fits my situation with you. _

_By the way, this is your favourite beanie from back then, you always wanted to lend it from me whenever we spent some time apart. I wanted this tradition back and so here you go. _

_xo Am_y

This girl seriously kills me. What does she mean with this quote? She has some explaining to do when she calls. I walk out of my room to fetch something to eat. Shane looks at me suspiciously, but I ignore him. "What's this thing on your head? It can't be new, it's way too worn out." I touch my head, I hadn't realized that I put it on. She really got me with this one. I smile while I take it off. Think Karma, you need a believable excuse to wear it. "It came in the package you gave me. My mother sent it, but she was here early and didn't want to wake us up. She found this beanie in my old room and thought I might want to have it. I loved it when I was younger." I smiles foolishly at the beanie in my hands. "And I still do." Shane raised an eyebrow at me and continued scrolling through his phone. "By the way, I'm gonna meet with Lauren today to get something done for work." They work for the same small designer label in Austin. They took a week off, just to get some stuff done in time. Everybody from my friends from high school made it in some way, or are on a good way to the top. Everybody but me. I can barely pay my rent and think about getting a second job. I realize that Shane is looking at me. "In other words, Alice Dreamland, she's coming over in an hour, so if you don't want to see her, you better be somewhere else." In that moment goes my phone off, I have a new message

_I'm coming over in 10, we have to talk darling_

_love you, P._

"don't worry" I say walking to the kitchen and grabbing a bowl. "I'll be busy with Paula, she's coming over." Shane whistles and shants "So you're just friends, right?" I role my eyes but say nothing, it's not worth the discussion of why I'm never in a relationship. I mean I could tell him about Amy then, but on the other hand that won't be a good idea. I pour some cereal and milk in my bowl and join Shane at the table. I'm opening my instagram, like I always do during breakfast. I love this site, I might be addicted but who cares, right? Oh, I have a new follower, who is no other than _theRealA.R-feld_. I purse my lips. Is this girl for real? The last few days with her were a roller-coaster of emotions and I really don't know if I can handle any more. I click on her profile and see that there's a new picture from a few minutes ago. It's a plain selfie, with little to no filter. I can't imagine her using filter, I chuckle at the thought. Shane looks at me. "What's up smiley head? What's so funny?" I duck my head. "Nothing, there was just this ridiculous picture of you in instagram." I say winking at him. "Haha, real funny. I really have to tell Pablo to take it down." He frowns. I look back at my screen. Something bothers me about this picture. I think it's her t-shirt, it's oddly familiar. I mean, it's just a lose sleeping shirt, but still. I frown but still double tap the picture to like it. It has a few likes already, so I decide to look through it. Great. Oliver liked it already. I really wish I could forget that she's engaged, but that won't happen that fast I guess. I scroll through the rest of the pictures. There are really cute pictures of Amy and .. him. And of Amy and .. Liam. I sigh deeply. I scroll further down to the first few pictures she uploaded. Those were the pictures we took together. She took almost all of them down, every single one, well but one. It was our favourite picture. The same that hangs in my room. And there is the smile again, I just can't help it. I delete my like from back then and like it again, so she gets a notification for it. That isn't creepy, right? And even if it is, I still like it. I decide not to like any other pictures because that would really be the creepy stalker that I don't want to be. I don't get dressed, because Paula has seen me in worse than my pyjamas and she just wants to talk. We can talk in comfy clothes. As on cue, there's a knock on the door. I jump to the door to open it, but frown when I see a blonde girl standing in front of me. "Nice pjs" Lauren hisses at me. I turn to walk to my room, without saying a word. I know that Lauren could be nice if she wants to, but she clearly isn't the right person right now. I close the door to my room and put the beanie on again. It's a good thing Lauren didn't see it. She knows it belongs to Amy and that I shouldn't have it in my apartment. I decide to take a picture with the beanie and upload it to instagram, to send a little hint to Amy. I capture the picture _Being my old happy self again. _And click upload. It's not even a lie. She really does make me happy. A few minutes later Paula burgs through my door "Soooo, tell me everything! What did I interrupt in the bathroom?" I laugh at her entrance. "So we don't call it _pee-station_ anymore?" She frowns at me but hugs me to say hello. "You didn't interrupt anything, really. I mean, if you hadn't come in we would have repeated the mistake we made." I say with a false concern for Amy's relationship. Paula raises an eyebrow and narrows her eyes at me. "So you're telling me it would have been a mistake? As if you care that Amy is in a relationship. I know exactly that you would do anything to get her as your girlfriend." I sigh and look at her with a light smile. "I hate that you know me, seriously. But, yeah. You're kinda right." We talk the whole afternoon about stupid ways to get Amy back, joking to kidnap her or something.

It's 8pm and Paula and I work at the pub. It's my turn to bartend tonight and I love it. I always want to know everything and with the right amount of alcohol, every secret comes out of their mouths. It's just the beginning of the night, but there are already some tipsy people who want to have the advice of the "omniscient-sexy-bartender-lady" how they call me. I'm flattered by their attention and try to help them as much as I can with their girl trouble. What makes me think of Amy again. Amy, oh Amy. Paula grins at me after the guys go to find a table. "So these guys were cute" "Yeah, and all of them taken." I say pushing her shoulder. "As if that is a problem to you." She says winking and before I could react she pointed at my head. I'm wearing the beanie again. I can't help it, I just love the gesture. I told Paula about the beanie and she aww-ed her senses away. I sigh defeated and look at her. "What's with that stupid grin, Paula?" The grin widened even more. I don't like that grin. That grin never means something good. She pulls out her phone and tugs it in front of me. "Look who liked you picture!" What is she .. wow .. She liked it. I blush and start to smirk. Okey, I give in. I'm in love with her again. I shake my head and cover up my feelings. "That's nice, now put that thing away, you know how much Stiles hates it when you're on your phone during your shift." She sighs. I know that she knows that I'm happy to see it, but I bet she wished for more affection. She's so cute and concerned. I pull out my phone myself and start writing a message. When I'm done I turn around to a smiling Stiles. Wait, a smiling Stiles? Can this day get any weirder? "What's up Stiles?" I ask anxiously and his smile gets just bigger. "I have some amazing news miss singer-songwriter." Okey, what is he talking about? "I got a phone call today. And you will never know who it was." He told me anything and .. I .. really can't .. I can't think right now. This is _amazing_.

Oh my god this flight was way too long. I yawn and get off the plane. Finally I can put my phone off flight mode and have my normal phone connection again. I really should learn how to sleep on a plane if I'm doing this more often. And I plan to do this more often. I smile having the image of Karma wearing my beanie in my head. The picture was really cute and I'm happy that it made her happy. Oh gosh I'm cheesy over my best friend. Hmm, best friend. I like the sound of that. I get my luggage and exit the safety area. Oliver is already waiting for me, waving a sign that says "The best fiancée" I frown. Yep, I'm not really the best fiancée, clearly. I shake my head and walk in his direction trying to smile. He pulls me in a tight hug and he only pulls away to look me in the eyes. "Oh Amy, I missed you. The house is so empty without you." I laugh a little "But we're not even living together, dork." "I know, but I can't wait until we finally do." And with those words he came closer to reunite his lips with mine. It felt nice, but not as good as my kiss with .. no. I can't think about her while kissing Oliver. I love Oliver. I pull away, look him in the eyes and say. "I really missed you, too. I can't wait to get home." I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. I gently pull away from Oliver's grip and start to read the new message.

_Hope you had a good flight. Thanks for the amazing present and the confusing quote. I'd love you to explain that to me, please?_

_-Karma_

I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't use any emojies, back then she used way too many on any occasion. Well I guess some things have changed. I hit reply

_The flight was horrible, but thanks anyway. I had a nice picture to keep me entertained ;). I don't think I have any explaining to do my dear, just think about the quote and you'll get it. _

_Love Amy_

I know it'll drive her bonkers that I wrote "love" in the end of the text. I smile at that thought but Oliver snaps me out of it "Who was texting you?" I shake my thoughts away from Karma again. Focus Amy, your fiancé is right next to you. "Oh that was just Lauren, she wanted to know if I arrived safe and sound." He grabs my luggage and walks towards the exit. "She's such a good sister to you. So, tell me everything about your stay. Did you write a lot on your book? How was spending time with Lauren? Did you see any of the old faces?" I smile. He's so nosey sometimes, it's so cute. I think about my stay in Austin. Should I tell him about meeting Karma? I should, we promised to always be honest. On the other hand. He didn't ask me if I saw her, right? "Oh Austin was amazing. I have really good memories about it. Staying with Lauren was great, even though she can be a real brat." I wink at him. "Oh yeah, I remember how she is." He says breathing out some air. "And yes the book gets better. I'm thinking about changing the love interest. Maybe some one from her history back in her youth." My book is about a girl who's boyfriend is in the Marines in the 60s. It takes place in Austin and shows a lot of difficulties when her boyfriend is home. I like things complicated and changing the love interest would make things a whole lot more complicated. I see that Oliver frowns at me. "The whole book is about the love of those two characters, why change it?" I smile and shake my head. "You'll see, you'll see. Just let me do my work. And yes, I've met some of the old people, I saw Shane, I talked to Pablo … and I saw a performance of .. Karma." Whoops, there it was. I said it. It just came out of my mouth, I didn't know why. I duck my head and turn to Oliver who stopped walking and stared at me. "You what?" He asks blinking fast a few times. "I saw her perform, but don't worry, it was just because of a promise I gave her when we were younger and you know I have to keep promises no matter what. And in addition, she didn't see me there, I promise." He sighs in relieve and starts walking again. It wasn't a lie, she really didn't see me there, he doesn't have to know about the note I gave her and especially not the .. you know. We're now in the parking lot and I crawl in the car, yawning again. Flying is so exhausting when you can't sleep in a plane. My phone buzzes again. I look at my phone. Again a message from Karma and I frown. She's still awake? It's 10pm here, that means it's 12pm in Austin. That's late for a work day. And then I remember. Yeah, she's a bartender, maybe her shift is over now.

_Why was it horrible? You always liked flying when you went on vacation. Whatever, I don't want to think anymore, can't you just tell me?_

_-Karma_

I purse my lips a bit, she didn't comment on the picture, but whatever. I hit reply

_It's fine when you're with me, because then I feel save enough to sleep. But if I fly alone I always told you it was fine, but it was always horrible. I hate flying. _

_I'm not gonna tell you Karma, you have to figure it our yourself._

_xo Amy_

I put away my phone and Oliver gets in the driver seat. He looks at me concerned. "I know that you want to sleep as soon as you get home, but do you mind if I sleep at your place tonight? I really missed you like crazy." I smile at him and take his hand. "Of course you can, I love it when you sleep next to me." He puts the car in drive letting go of my hand, but takes it again when the car starts rolling. I look out of the window the whole drive. It's not a long drive, about 10 minutes or so, but it's long enough for me to fall asleep. When we arrive I feel Oliver shaking me lightly and kissing me on my forehead. "Hey sleepy, wake up, we're there." I groan but get out of the car. Like the gentleman he is, he gets my luggage and carries it to the door which he holds open for me. How could I not love him? He's perfect, sincere and since I'm fine again we never argue. I walk upstairs to my apartment and enter. Behind the door there is a painting of me and a cake with my face on it. A happy Liam stands right next to it, smiling his face of. "You're back! Finally." He says hugging me even tighter than Oliver did. "Air ... I need to ... breathe .. please." He lets go of me and musters me. "What's that shirt? I've never seen it on you" He frowns. Since when does he care what I'm wearing? "It's one of my old sleeping shirts, and it was so comfy, I had to wear it." I smile looking at the shirt. "I used to love it in high school, and I still do." Both of the boys looked at me confused. "It's just a t-shirt, honey. No big deal." I look at them with a raised eyebrow but don't say anything. "I made you a cake! And a painting! But mainly the cake, because that seriously took effort and I think it turned out great." Liam is still the artist from high school. He's now an art teacher or more professor in college and has sold some of his work. But it is a miracle that he baked a real cake. "Is it edible, Liam?" I say winking at him and he shoots me a look. I yawn again, I should really go to bed. "Hey guys, I'm really tired. I'm gonna taste you cake tomorrow, alright? I really have to sleep." I walk to my room. "I'm coming later, okey?" Oliver asks and I'm only giving him a thumbs up, because I'm too tired to speak. I'm getting ready to sleep, I take a shower and .. don't change my t-shirt. I decide to wear it that night, too. When I lie down, I look at my phone one last time. I have a new message again.

_What a bummer, that you lied to me back then, too. But well, now everything's going to be different. And just for your information, I'm pouting right now, so can you please tell me?_

_-K_

I chuckle and imagine her pout. It's really cute and I wish I could see it. The text makes me think about the past few days. A lot had happened and I have to process some of my emotions. But I won't leave Oliver for Karma, that's for sure. I'm wide awake all of a sudden when the kiss replays in my mind. My mind replays it on repeat for what feels like hours. I hear Oliver enter the room and lying next to me, spooning me from behind. "Are you still awake?" He whispers. I nod and he continues "I took a day off tomorrow, so we can spend some time together, is that alright?" He's too cute and I smile. I nod again and he leans over to kiss my cheek. "Good night princess and have nice dreams." A few minutes later and he's asleep. I can hear his deep breathing and he turns away from me, he always does that when he falls asleep. I don't care about it, because I normally fall asleep before him. I turn on my back and stare at the ceiling. It looks so empty somehow. I remember the glow stars that I had on my ceiling, because Karma put them up there. _"Now you don't have to be scared anymore." "I'm not scared, I just don't like the dark." "It doesn't matter, dork. But now you can sleep again."_ She was so caring, and she still is. I smile, I think I should hang a few stars on the ceiling again, I miss it. I slowly drift away to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up to a kiss on the forehead. I rubbed my eyes and stretched. "Aww, sleepy Amy, how cute." I punched Oliver playfully on the comment and finally my sight adjusted to the light. He stood in front of me grinning with breakfast in his hands. "I made you breakfast in bed, so you don't have to get up." He puts the tray with the food down on my legs and I pull him close for a longing kiss. When I release him he struggles for air and shakes his head surprised. "Well that was .. unexpected." I let out a giggle and he raises an eyebrow at me. "How did I deserve this pleasurable treat?" I start eating, he made me English breakfast, my favourite. "Well, when someone makes my favourite breakfast meal, I just have to kiss him" I wink at him. "Well then Liam should never do that for you." We both laugh. Liam is a really bad cook, and I wonder how he survived the days without me. I usually cook all the meals in this houshold and he just stays put and doesn't touch anything. "When you're finished eating we can go to the park, what do you think?" I love to go to the park, he always knows what I need. "I would love that." He kisses me on the cheek and leaves the room. I look up to my ceiling again. Should I really do this? I mean I would love to have stars up there, they're pretty romantic. I finish breakfast and start to get out of my bed. I look down on me, realizing I still wear her shirt. I smirk and take my phone to take another picture. This time I add filter and upload to instagram for her to see it. I hope she finally sees that it's hers and not mine. But well, I start to get dressed and walk to the living area. It's full of paint again, well not covered in pain, but tubes with paint, and buckets with paint and so on. I frown, so Liam paints in the apartment again. What happened to his studio? Oliver sits on the table reading the news paper. He's so old fashioned, I mean, who still does that? I stroll over to hug him from behind. I jumps but relaxes quickly. "Why do you always have to do that?" I laugh at him, he's seriously way too cute to be real. "Come on lazy, we better get going, I have some ideas in my head that are waiting to be written down" I say pulling him up from his chair. We have four chairs on the table. At the beginning there were only 2, because Liam and I rarely had company. But since I'm with Oliver he decides that his one-night-stands are privileged to stay for breakfast. I don't mind really, since Oliver and I mostly spend time in his apartment, because there is less noise and less paint.

The walk through the park is beautiful and I try to enjoy it, really. But everything reminds me of her. I see her in every girl that walks past us and I try to hide that as good as I can. Oliver took my hand the first few meters out of the apartment complex. All I could think about was that her hands were way softer than his, and way more delicate. "So let's talk about Karma's performance." What? Did he really just say that? Am I dreaming? "Since when do you want to talk about Karma?" "Since when do you want to see her perform?" "Touchée." I look at the ground. It's a lovely spring day and I try to enjoy it, but Oliver keeps talking "How was it? Does she look different?" I sigh, well if he wants to talk about it, then so be it. "It was great, she sang great songs. And yes, she looks different now, she dyed her hair brown and her face is more defined now. But her taste in clothes is the same." I try not to smile, I succeed .. for now. "What did she sing? Were you there alone and did you enjoy it?" "She sang a compilation of love songs, cover songs. She also sang the song she sang during the protest we first met and a song she wrote that I never heard before. I had a blast watching her, it was like the old times. And well I was there alone." I look at him for a reaction, but there was none. "So you went there alone? Did you talk to some one?" Well I talked to the barkeeper, but I couldn't tell him because he would think that I drank something. "There was this one girl who kept staring at me, but no, I didn't talk to her." He looked at me frowning "A girl stared at you? Did she scare you?" My next sentence comes out before I could think. "Well at first she scared me, but turns out it was just Paula, a friend of Karmas and she was just surprised to see me there." He turned to me confused. "Wait, didn't you just say, you didn't talk to her? How do you know what her name is and that she's friends with Karma?" Okey, wow I really just said that. Think Amy, think. You need to pull this one off. "Well I .. asked Lauren when I came home if she .. knew that girl .. I could describe her and she .. told me?" It really came out as a question, but Oliver accepted the explanation and we were quiet the rest of the walk.

When we came home again I grab my phone and start texting Karma. If I want us to be friends again, we need to keep contact, right?

_Hey Karms, how are you on this fine day?  
>xo Amy<em>

I didn't have to wait long to get a response.

_Well good day miss Raudenfeld, this day turns out to be a wonderful, beautiful and whatsoever day :)  
>xoxo Karma<em>

I smile, "xoxo"? Yesterday I didn't even get a smiley and now this. She must be in a seriously good mood. Do I even want to know? I hit reply.

_Wow, somebody's in a good mood today, bother to tell me why?_

_xo Amy_

And again almost instantly a reply.

_I would be bothered to tell you, because it's a secret ;) I'll tell you if there is something to tell_

_:* Karma_

I put away my phone, this girl drives me crazy. I smile foolishly at my hands when Oliver snaps me out of my thoughts "So, I decided to make some lunch, do you want anything special?" I look at him amused. "Do we even have something in the fridge?" He opens it and pulls out some stuff. "Of course, I sent Liam grocery shopping this morning and as you can see, he brought your favourite." He winked and started working in the kitchen. Well, since my favourite is pizza, and pizza from scratch takes a while, I guess that the dough is bought. Usually Oliver makes everything from scratch, just like he learned it from his grandmother. Other people would say he's a loser for learning how to cook from his grandmother, but I think it's rather attractive. I take the time to scroll through instagram. She uploaded a new picture, a selfie in our favourite café, I recognize it immediately. But the most interesting about the picture is the caption. It reads _If you're gonna be the death of me that's how I wanna go. #CasuallyQuotingP!ATD #ForNoReasonWhatsoever_. I know this song, I used to love it. Panic! At the Disco is her usual taste in music, but the song choice with the beanie and the background .. I get the picture, I think she understood the quote I sent her and clearly wants to give me a message … That, or I interpret too much in the situation again. And still, I really shouldn't think about her in that way. I sigh and put away my phone. I look to the kitchen where Oliver works hard on supper. We have an open kitchen, so I can see everything that he does. He puts my favourite on it, pepperoni and ham. I love this guy. I smile at him and watch him for a while. He's so deep in concentration until he sees me staring and throws an olive at me. "Olive you" He says and winks. "Dork." I answer and my smile widens. He really is perfect. And I'm really not. My smile vanishes as I think about Karma again. I turn away from Oliver so he doesn't notice it and go search for my laptop. I put it here somewhere. I find it and sit down on my working table. I'm still at the character development but I have a feeling, that this book will be better than the first one. I start writing on a character when a scene pops in my head. I instantly open a new text document so I can write it down. I'm 4 pages in the scene when I feel Oliver's grip from behind. He kisses me on the cheek and I jump lightly. "Lunch is ready, workoholic." He whispers in my ear and walks to the table again. His voice sends shivers down my spine. I smirk, so he still has this effect on me, so maybe I'll forget Karma again. I won't see her for months, right? It's not like she's going to come here to visit me. I join Oliver at the table and stare at the perfect pizza in front of me. "Wow," I whisper and he just smiles. "Missed my food? I thought you deserved something great for your first day back home." He just made a decision for me. I might tell him that I met Karma, and that we talk again, but not about the kiss. He doesn't deserve to have a broken heart. "You know what I love most about you?" He looks at me curious "What?" I sigh in happiness and take his hand. "Life with you is so easy and just so perfect. You make me happy, always remember that." He leans over to kiss my cheek, but I turn my head so he kisses me on the lips. Again, there are sparks, but not the sparks I felt .. no Amy, not again. Stop thinking about her. Think about him and about the pizza he just made you. "I have to tell you something after we finished eating, okey?" I say, still smiling a little bit. "Okey, if you want to." He squeezes my hand one last time before releasing it and returning his attention back to his pizza. I eat very slowly and it takes me a really long time to finish it. Oliver waits for me to finish up and takes the plates to the kitchen. "I would say I'll do the dishes, but since we have a dishwasher you won't need my help, huh?" I say giggling lightly. "No Amy, you're just lazy and that's why you don't ask to do the dishes." We both know he's right and laugh a bit.

After the kitchen is clean again, he sits down on the couch and I join him. "So what do you want to talk to me about?" He looks at me so innocent. I take a deep breathe but before I could say something he spoke again. "You met Karma, right?" My breathe hitched "What?" How did he know that? "I'm not stupid Amy, first of all: Liam told me, obviously. He was worried about you, but you clearly didn't tell me. And come on, as if you talk to Lauren about mysterious girls you see at her concert. We both know she's not Karma's biggest fan." "Well neither are you." His expression darkens a bit and he struggles to keep up his smile. "Yes, I ran into her in the grocery store. She asked me if we could meet, but cancelled due to her gig, so I went there. But I was honest when I told you she didn't see me there, she really didn't. But I had questions about the performance, so I decided to have brunch together. We talked a lot about the time we spent together, before all the messed up stuff happened." I paused and looked at Oliver, his expression was empty. "And decided to try being friends, and have contact again." His expression changes and his body shifts. "Friends? Or will it get complicated again?" I can't tell if it's anger, jealousy or concern in his expression, maybe all of it. "Seriously just friends, it won't happen again Oliver, I promise. We've been friends for so long and she's been my only friend during my childhood. She's still in my heart … platonicly speaking." Now I can clearly see that it's anger in his expression. "Remember what she did to you, Amy. Remember what you did when she broke your heart. And how less she cared." His voice became louder with every short cut off sentence. "Remember the hole you were in. And who dragged you out of it. Remember that you're an al-" "DON'T … say it … please … I can't take it." I cut him off, my voice weak and shaky, he hasn't called me that in years and I don't want him to start again. "I just couldn't deal with it, if she made you suffer again. I don't think you should keep contact with her." I know he only wants my best, but I think having her in my life is the best for me. "Let me at least try it. I promise I will back out if things get weird, or if I get the feeling she will hurt me again, okey?" My voice gets a bit steadier now and I dare to look at him. He doesn't look half as angry as he sounded just seconds ago. "I'm sorry, I just hate to see you suffer. And I'm scared she will hurt you again." He reaches out to me and I lay down in his arms. "I can't force you to break off the contact, but please be careful. I'd hate myself if I'd see you unhappy." He kisses my head softly. After a few moments of silence I say "Don't worry, I'm happy as long as I am with you. I love you, Oliver. You make me the happiest person alive."

"Tell me again what happened." Shane sat in front of me looking at me like a puppy that just saw the biggest bone. "I told you 10 times already, is it so hard to understand?" I ask shoving him playfully, smiling. "Please, I need to fully consume every detail in this perfect story." He smiles wide and acts like a fangirl. He knows exactly every detail, but I sigh and start all over. "So, there was this guy who filmed my performance, turns out he works for this record label. He showed the tape to his boss, because he loved the performance so much and he loved it, too. He called Stiles and to get my number, but sneaky Stiles told him, he could only pass his number along, since a phone number is very private or something. He told him that I should call him ASAP because he's only in town until tomorrow. In conclusion, I might have the chance for a record deal." His reaction was the same like the last 10 times I told him, He pulled me into a tight hug and jumps up and down clapping afterwards. "You have called him already, right?" He asks holding me by my shoulders, impatient. "Of course, dumbass." I roll my eyes. "I have an appointment with him in an hour and hopefully we meet in the record label in just a few weeks." He pulls me in a hug again. I love Shane, but he's so over dramatic sometimes, a bit over the top. But then I remember, so am I. "Shall I come with you? Or should I plan a celebration for later?" He jumps up in excitement. "Oh, we could celebrate in the pub, that's where it all started!" I shake my head and can't suppress a giggle. Well actually it all started in my bedroom with an old shredded guitar, that once belonged to Zen, and Amy sitting next to me. "No, you don't have to come with me. And please, can we be realistic and slow down for a minute? It's not sure if they even want me in their label, so can you please stop?" He sits down slowly. "As if they don't want to get you under their roof. Soon, they'll be fighting over you. Your voice is perfect and you lyrics, oh my god your lyrics" he swoons. "Soon, everybody will know the name Karma Ashcroft. I'm telling you!" He's the best and I smile at him. He really believes what he's saying, completely oblivious about the competition that's everywhere. I just wish I could tell _her._ I need to get my head cleared out and decide to take a walk before getting ready for the meeting.

He told me to meet him in the pub. I arrive early, and since it's daytime, the pub is pretty empty. Paula sometimes works during the day, but mostly it's just Stiles, he's enough to handle the people there. I myself never work during the day. I'm nervous as fuck as I see a man approaching me. He wears a marine blue suit and a white button down with flowers on it. Of course he wears a matching bow tie. His haircut is neat and it looks like his hair naturally defies gravity. But what I think is the most impressive thing about him, is his moustache, so perfect. Never in my life have I seen a more perfect hipster. "Hello Mrs Ashcroft. How are you doing?" His voice is coarse and it somehow fits him. I can imagine him having a bunch of tattoos underneath that suit. He holds his hand out to me and I shake it, realizing that my hand is really sweaty. How emberassing. I curse myself, but try to seem confident. "Hello Mr West, it's so nice to meet you." My voice is a bit shaky, but as I clear my throat I can feel it getting steadier. He sits down and I think he's smiling, but I can't tell because of the perfect formed moustache. "So Mrs Ashcroft, I reckon this was you very first performance in public, we usually don't consider people with little to no experience." He pulls out a few pieces of paper, a fancy ass pen and .. no way, glasses. I rectify my statement from earlier, _now_ he's the perfect hipster. I suppress a smile. "Well, I performed in school a few times and also sang at my graduation, but I guess that doesn't count as experience." He made a noise that sounded like a grunt and starts to write something down. "What do you do for a living, Mrs Ashcroft?" He doesn't even look up from his paper. "Karma" He looks at me a bit startled, "Pardon me?" I smile at him. "Please call me Karma, Mrs Ashcroft is my grandmother." He pulls a confused face. "I'm sorry, but doesn't the saying usually go with "my mother"?" He signals the quotation marks with his hands. "Yes, but if you knew my mother, you would know why I said grandmother." He looks back at his papers. "So then, what do you do for a living, _Karma_?" He emphasises my name. I look around. "Well, I work in this very pub as a waitress and bartender." He looks at me with a raised and perfectly shaped eyebrow. Wow, how does he get them in a form like that? "Professional bartender?" I can't stop looking at his eyebrows. "If you ask if I'm trained, yeah, I learned to become a bartender during my music studies at UT" He wrote something down again, but suddenly stops. He puts down his pen and looked at me, leaning his hands on his head. "You studied music? Do you have a degree?" I chuckle lightly. I think this is a good thing, right? "Yes, I have a master in music theory." He keeps looking at me. "That changes a lot Karma. Did you only study music theory, or also something else?" What does it change? Is this a good thing? "Well I majored in music theory, obviously, songwriting and production. But I only have a master in music theory." He starts to smile wide, you could even see it underneath his enormous moustache, and writes stuff down again. He makes things way too mysterious for my taste, like seriously. This guy is so weird. "I have an idea, Karma. How about you perform tonight again?" He pauses for a second as my face drops. "It doesn't matter how many people show up tonight, I only want to see you perform myself." Before I can form a proper sentence he continues. "Great, I count that as a yes. So it's a deal, I'm going to talk to the owner, Stiles is his name, right?" I nod slowly. "I'm going to talk to him about the details real quick." He stands up, leaving me sitting there, speechless. Perform? Tonight? Without any preparation? I'm doomed, I can't do that! I'm so gonna die. I see him talking to Stiles who nods in agreement. I think I'm fainting. Yep, it's dark in front of my eyes for a short second. I'm clearly going to faint. My mouth is still open, when Mr West returns to my table, still a huge smile on his face. "He's okey with it, so I'll see you tonight. Oh and can you do me one last favour? It would be amazing if you could play a sample of your own songs, not cover songs like you did on Friday? I really want to see the real you. The real Karma Ashcroft in full potential." He shakes my head and I still can neither move not speak. When he's out of the door I release a breathe I was holding in. Stiles walks over to my table. "Karma? Are you okey?" He looks at me concerned. I shake my head to readjust my head again and try to go back to normal. "This is a good thing, right?" Is the only thing I can say. I'm clearly back to normal, good move Karma, so cool and unsuspicious that your nerves are wrecked right now. "Well, you must've won him over somehow. He really wanted you to perform, and I never again reject you performing. I had a blast Friday night. But back to the topic. As far as I know the business, and you know I now very little about it, it's a really good thing. If you pull this off, you might have a record deal very soon. The only negative thing I see about it is, that I have to let go my favourite bartender." I start to smile my widest smile. He's really sincere. "Holy fuck, I need to get home and prepare!" I jump up and hurry out of the door, but not without saying "Thank you for everything Stiles, you're the best!" He's his old not-caring self again. "7pm here, Karma! Don't be late!" I seriously might have the chance of a record deal. I instantly text Paula and Shane about it. Of course they have to be there tonight. Oh how I wish Amy would be there, too. She would make the whole situation perfect.

The performance went great and I'm so thrilled. I stand backstage with Paula jumping up and down like 2 school girls who just saw their crush. We instantly stop when I see Mr West approaching. "Well Karma, it was a great show, I really enjoyed your music. And it was quite a big crowd for a Tuesday night." I wink at Paula, she and Shane did a lot of promotion for the gig tonight. A big crowd is a better experience than a little one. "So what does this mean for my future?" I ask hopeful. My heart starts to race as he opens his mouth. "You know, I like to have a close relationship with my clients, so I would like you to call me Evan." My eyes widen and I see Paula's face drop. "Wait, does this mean...?" He smiles again. "I want to take you under contract Mrs Ashcroft. But for this manner you have to come to my office at the label." Paula and I are in schoolgirl mode again and we jump up and down. "Sure, where is it? I'll go there as soon as possible!" He pulls out his card. "Great, I'll see you in Los Angeles then." We both stopped to jump and looked at him in disbelieve. "Los Angeles? You mean the label is in L.A.?" Paula asks with wide eyes. "Well yes, of course. It's a small label, but in the perfect location, I'll set up a flight for you and a second person. Just let me know for how long you'll be staying the first time." Paula and I look at each other. "The first time?" Can this guy talk any more in puzzles? "Well yeah, you'll have to move to L.A. eventually if that's fine with you." Wait, if I move to LA I can see Amy way more often. Now this is something amazing. "That would be amazing. Paula you'll come with me for the first visit, right? I can't go there without you." She suddenly smirks at me. "If I won't bother you and another special person, I'd love to come with you." So she catched up with my thoughts, I know that "special person" is Amy. Well I mean, Amy is special. "Great, I'll send you the tickets, see you in LA, Karma." He walks away leaving us gushing about going to LA. "You should call her and tell her right now! This will be amazing!" I pull out my phone but stop before actually dialling her number. "How about we won't tell her now, but when we're already in LA? This would be the perfect surprise." Paula gets champaign from the bar. Usually we're not allowed to drink the expensive stuff, but Stiles doesn't comment it, since this is clearly a big night for me. "We're going to LA, BABY!" She shouts through the pub and suddenly Shane and Pablo stand next to us. "You're what? Does this mean you get the deal?" We both nod and all 4 of us are in schoolgirl mode now. This will me an amazing night. And a long one, too. I'm going to LA. _I'm going to see her again. Very soon. _


	9. Chapter 9

"Oh my god! I can already see LA!" I giggle a bit, Paula has slept for the last hour and woke up a few seconds ago. How can she have such an energy after a nap? "Yes dummy, I could see that 20 minutes ago, too." She shoots me a look, but then she suddenly hugs me. "I have the feeling, this week is gonna make us both so happy." She's really excited that I wanted her to come with me and not Shane. She always wanted to see LA, he's more of a NYC person. "This is going to be the best week of our lives, trust me." We both looked at each other for a while. Paula starts to smirk. "What is it now?" I ask rolling my eyes. I tend to do that a lot when I'm with her, I love her though. "It's just, that I'm so happy for you. You have a record deal -" "-maybe" I interrupt her. "Yeah, yeah maybe, but whatever. You've got a chance for a record deal, you're in your favourite city and last but definitely not least, you get to see your love-dove." She winks at me. "You're kinda forgetting, that my so called "love-dove" is pretty much engaged and only wants friendship." Paula raises an eyebrow and grabs my phone before I can object. "Lets see, I know you were chatting with her earlier, so don't even pretend. Oh yeah right, just friendship. You guys clearly have only platonic feelings for each other. "I wish you could be here with me, I miss lying next to you." "I put stars on my ceiling, so I can pretend that you're with me." "I love you, Karma. I always will."" She imitates Amy while reading out the messages. In the last two weeks we kept writing about everything, we even talked on the phone. Things are going pretty well between the two of us and I really can't be happier. "And may I remind you, that she FUCKING KISSED YOU?!" She shakes me by my shoulders and I can't help but laugh. "All right, all right. If you want to hear it so badly, I do wish that we would be a thing. A real thing, not what I put her through in high-school. Are you happy now?" She sits back in her seat still looking at me. "Hmm, not yet. Do you love her? And what if she would end things with Oliver for you?" Oh right, my favourite question. I never answered her when she asked me, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right? "Yes, I still love her. And I probably always will. You know I've never had a serious relationship because of her. Everytime I met a guy, all I could think about was that his hands are not as soft as hers, and his lips are not as tasty as hers and all in all everybody just annoyed me after a while." I pause for a second. "And as if she'd leave Oliver for me, can we stay realistic for a second please? Yes, she kissed me. So what? That doesn't mean she doesn't love Oliver." Her look is sympathetic now and I notice a tear rolling down my face. She wipes it away and smiles at me. "What if she loves you more than she loves Oliver?" I know exactly that this is not the case. I don't even know if she loves me at all. "I said lets be realistic, honey. Look, I broke her heart, I hurt her so much during high-school. I don't deserve her. She deserves some one who can make her happy. Who's always there for her. And most important, who doesn't hurt her like I did." And with those words I look away from her to signal that the conversation is over. She sighs like she wants to say something but in the corner of my eye I see her biting her lip and turning to the window.

The plane landed and we were finally there. LA at night is beautiful. It's 11pm and we're finally at our hotel. We both have a single room each, but for some odd reason both rooms have a king sized bed. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but that's just the perfect invitation for another person. I'm so happy that the record label took care of anything, because when it comes to organizing things, Paula and I are true amateurs and we would end up at a wrecked down hotel in the wrong city. I make myself comfortable in my room when I hear a soft knock on my door. It's Paula of course, who else could it be? "So what's the plan for tomorrow?" I sigh, I know she's here, because she doesn't want to be alone in her room. "I have a meeting with Evan and I don't know what you'll do during that time, but after that, we'll definitely check out Venice Beach!" She frowns a bit. "How about, we check out Venice tomorrow when you have the day off, and see where it takes us tomorrow? You know, some spontaneous action, like in the good old college days?" I chuckle. We used to break in to out-door pools, or we hitch hiked to various places when we felt like it. It was just us then. We mainly did that when I was drowned in self-pity over Amy. "Yeah, why not? I miss that time, too." I wink at her. She stands there for a moment fumbling with her hands and shifting from foot to foot. "I saw that we both have king sized beds." She looks at her hands. I know she hates to ask me if she could stay, she always did. But I find that utterly adorable, so I normally let her do that for another 10 minutes. That's how long it takes her until she forms the important question. But since I'm really tired I'm gonna be nice today. "Yes, you can sleep in my bed. But no funny business." I stick out my tongue and she moves happily to my bed. "You know me, I can't control myself in my sleep." She laughs. Oh yes, I remember. Paula loves to cuddle, so she cuddles in her sleep when there's somebody in the same bed. I really don't care about that, since we cuddle before sleeping anyway. I get in the bed and motion her to join me. "Now come on doofus, I'm tired." She slips into the bed and rests her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my waist. I wrap my arms around her, too and kiss her lightly on the head. "Sleep well, my darling." She already drifts into sleep and I lie there with her in my arms thinking about all the stuff we did together. The roadtrips, the times we saved each other in night clubs when weird guys and girls hit on us and we pretended that we were a couple. I giggle about our nights out when we just walked around Austin and always ended up on this playground were we sat down on the swings, acting like little kids. I loved my friendship to her, she sometimes reminds me of Amy. I sigh and think of Amy and how we spent our childhood together. We did everything together and I still know everything about her. Finally I fall asleep.

I wake up to the sound of Paula's cell. I groan annoyed because I know that she's not waking up from her ring tone so I shake her that she wakes up. "Whaaaat? I'm tired, let me sle … Oh, sorry! … Hello?" She jumps up from the bed as soon as she realizes that her phone rings and rans into the bathroom. I sigh, well now I'm awake. I call room service for some breakfast and order Paula's favourite. I know I don't have the money, but the label said they'll cover the costs for our stay. Pretty generous if you ask me, but I won't complain. After a few minutes she strolls back in the room and looks at me apologetically. "I'm so sorry, it was just my parent. I forgot to call them last night that I arrived save and sound." I chuckle lightly. I love her parents, they're so caring. Mine looked in my horoscope if I'd arrive safe. They said I don't have to worry. "Oh it's fine. They woke us up in time for breakfast." I wink at her and walk through the hotel room. "You ordered? What did you order? Please tell me you ordered pancakes with bacon -" "-and cinnamon rolls, I know you honey, and of course I ordered it!" She ran towards me and hugged me so forcefully we fell on the ground laughing. "You're perfect! Who wouldn't love you?" We kept lying on the ground still laughing when room service knocked on the door. I jumped up and brought in the food. I got myself an English breakfast. I kinda love it. I need a salty treat right now. "So, what's actually the plan for today?" She asks while chewing on a piece of bacon. "Well, I have a meeting in … an two hours and after that we go and explore the city." She smiles bright. "I know, I just wanted to hear it again. I'm so excited that we're in LA! I'll walk you to the label, alright?" I smile, she's so stupid sometimes, but I love her. We finish breakfast and I head to the shower to get ready. She shouts from behind the door "I'll go get ready in my room!" I shout something stupid back so she knows I acknowledged what she said. After we're ready we head out the door. "Oh I'm so excited honey! It's such a big day for us." She says grabbing my hand. "For us?" I ask raising an eyebrow while intertwining our fingers. We always walk around like that. We're just so comfortable with each other and since we both haven't dated someone in forever, we quite enjoy the comfort. "Yeah, I mean I'm in the city of my dreams and you're getting the job of your dreams! It's perfect!" As we walk she took a deep breathe like she wants to say something, but doesn't. She does that three times until I finally say "Okey, what's wrong? What do you want to ask?" She looks at me with a concern in her eyes. "What's the plan with Amy? I mean how are you going to tell her that you're here?" I smile at her, oh that's all? Why didn't she just ask? "Well, I have this plan in my head. Do you remember the t-shirt she always wears in her instagram pictures lately?" "You mean the one she "stole" from you when she was here?" "Yeah, exactly. I'm not gonna tell you what I'll do, not yet. But it has something to do with the shirt." She frowns at me, but doesn't talk about it anymore. When we arrived at the label she said goodbye and turned around to go when I didn't let go of her hand and spun her around. "What? No good luck kiss?" I pout and she sighs deep, but smiles. She kisses me quickly on the lips and winks at me. "You're gonna rock this, my love." She says while turning around. I know that we act like a couple, with the pet names, holding hands and kissing. But it's just tradition. The pet names came while we went clubbing so often that we started to use them all the time. The holding hands is just for the comfort and it feels nice. And the kissing, well … that started in our second semester in college, when I was so scared of an exam and she just kissed me, winked at me and said "You're gonna rock this." Since then we always did that, but sometime we just kissed as to say goodbye. It's all platonic, but it feels nice to have someone like this in your life.

Evan sat in front of his office, waiting for me. "I'm sorry, my secretary is sick, so I waited for you that you don't miss my office." He shakes my hand and leads me in his office. My jaw drops. His office is huge and he has a big desk in the middle of it, I'm guessing mahogany. And in the wall are pictures of people, I'm guessing his clients. "Okey Karma, look. I have big plans for you, but first of all I need to know something. What do you want to do? Rather sing, or write?" That's a good question. I mean sure, I want to stand in front of a big crowd, but what if they don't like me. As a songwriter I'm more in the background and get to work with a lot of different artists. I sit there for a few minutes thinking about it before I finally get to the conclusion "Both I guess." Evan starts to smile and me and nods "That's the answer I was hoping for, because you, my lady, have an amazing voice, and great writing skills." He grabs some paper from a drawer and a pen and looks at me. "So we're gonna set up the contract today and you have to days to look it over and tell me if you're in or not. If you tell me you're not interested, we'll still cover up all you costs from your stay, so don't feel pressured about that." I smile big and not ecclesiastically. I have a good feeling about this.

I finally developed the perfect character as the new love interest. So I can finally start with the new story. I sigh deep in distress. It took me long enough to form the perfect character. "Honey, are you okey?" Oliver stands behind me, he came over for his lunch break and I sit here working. I know it's not nice to him, but I really had a run when he stopped by so I couldn't stop writing. "I'm just a bit stressed. I need to start the story line and I have no idea how to start it." He steps closer and starts to massage my neck. "Wow, you're tense." He says while massaging stronger. "I know, I'm so stressed out at the moment, I don't know what to do." I bury my face in my hands. "I know a little something that might release some pressure" He comes closer and starts kissing my neck. I really don't have the nerves and the time to do that right now. I frown and groan pushing him away. "Please, not now. I have so much work to do and I have a meeting with the publisher tomorrow, he wants a story." He frowns but backs off. "We haven't done anything in the bedroom since you came back from Austin. Are sure that nothing happened between you and Karma?" He was so freaking jealous of Karma lately. And it's so annoying that he can't say the word sex out loud. I roll my eyes. "Yes, I'm fucking sure that nothing happened! I'm just stressed for god's sake!" I get mad at him quickly since the last week, but I can't help it. He annoys me somehow. "Please don't swear. And if you say so, I believe you." Oh yes, I forgot. He doesn't swear. What person doesn't swear? Oh man, I need to calm down. He didn't do anything. He's always perfect and he makes me happy, right? "I'll head out to work again, okey? I'll call you when I'm done." I nod and he kisses me on the cheek. "Don't be mad, I beg you. Keep that smile, that always makes my day, shining." I can't help but smile. He's cute nonetheless and I do love him. He walks out the door and leaves me alone in the apartment. Liam is in his studio again. I had to help him out financially to get it back, because the landlord raised the rent. Such an asshole, but whatever. I return to my work and start to think about a storyline.

8 pages into the story I finally collapse in my head. I can't write anything anymore. I need to clear my head and decide to go for a little walk. I check my phone, Karma hasn't answered my text from last night yet, that's not typical. Maybe she's mad at me or something. Wait, what? Oh come on Amy, get it together. You're acting like a desperate housewife who hasn't had action in twenty years. I roll my eyes at myself, I should really clear my head. I decide to walk across the park next to the area where I live. It's not far from this hotel and this small record label. I love walking there, because it's so quiet for LA. I put my headphones in and start to listen to songs by _We the Kings_. I love listening to them while walking here, the view is perfect and so is this band. Even though most of the songs remind me of Karma, I still can't wash off the smile on my face. Especially not when _we'll be a dream_ comes up. We used to listen to the song all the time back in 2012.

_Do you remember the nights  
>We'd stay up just laughing<br>Smiling for hours  
>At anything<br>Remember the nights  
>We drove around crazy in love <em>

Well okey, we didn't drive around, because we didn't have our license yet, but it still fits us perfectly. As I walk there smiling foolishly looking on the ground I bump into someone. This always happens to me and I curse under my breath. "Oh fucking stupid mind can't you fucking focus on the way?" And when I look up I see a familiar face looking at me with wide eyes. "Amy?" It takes me a few seconds to place the face, but then I remember. "You're the staring-girl. Wait … Paula was it, right?" I say while pulling my headphones out of my ears. I'm confused, and it seems like she is, too. But she nods so I guess this really is Karma's college roommate. "What are you doing in LA?" She looks distressed and looks around. What is wrong with her? "I'm … erm … just on … vacation. I'm staying in this cute hotel around the block." I frown, she doesn't sound certain about vacation, but that's really non of my business. "What are you doing in this beautiful park?" She know looks a bit more confident than a few seconds ago. "Oh, I lie just around the corner. I was stressed out because of work and had to clear my head." She smirks at me. Why does she smirk at me? "Oh right, you're a writer. Too many things on your mind, so you can't concentrate on your work?" What is she … wait a second. "Did Karma tell you …" "About the kiss? Yeah, she did. But don't worry, we tell each other everything. I'm the only one who knows. She just freaked out about it, because it was everything she wanted for the last decade and she was so happy about it … and I should probably stop talking now, because she'll kill me." I let out a little laugh. "Oh don't worry, I won't tell her that you told me that." She pouts a bit "Yeah well you won't, but as you see I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to her." That might come in handy. I smirk at her. "That's not really a bad thing. You know I want to get to know her again and I know that you guys are like best friends, so do you mind telling me about her? How she was in college, what her hobbies are, how everything's going with her love life?" I watched her reaction closely when I said the last part and her face shifted a bit, but I can't make out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. "Well if you want to, I have time now. We could walk for a bit and I'll tell you everything I'm allowed to tell you." She winks at me. She seems really nice. I gesture her to start walking and she does. She looks at me expectant and when I look back at her she starts talking. "Okey so, I'm gonna start in the beginning. The first time I saw Karma, I was overwhelmed. I can absolutely get what you see in her. She's gorgeous. But yeah, so we were just roomies for a few weeks before I got really tired of her crying all night long, so I asked what's going on and she started to tell me about you. The whole story and the part that you didn't know, because you guys didn't talk." She paused for a second and looked at me. "So yeah, she basically rambled about you throughout the nights and during the day everything was fine. She wrote a bunch of songs about you in that time. You were her life during college and I tried my best to get her mind off you." She paused again, but I didn't even look at her. I get it that she only wanted to help Karma, so I won't comment on it. "We partied a lot, and we were on some roadtrips together. We travelled through Texas in the 4 years, it was amazing." She smiles foolishly and stared at the ground in front of her. We strolled through the park and as we came across a bench I sat down. She sat down next to me and we sit there in silence for a few seconds, this time it's me who breaks the silence. "You love her, don't you?" She looks at me startled. "W-what?" I don't look at her. "You understood me. You love her, am I right?" She shook her head quickly and stared at me. "I don't really know what to answer. I mean this is kinda non of your business." I look at her with a small smile. "That's pretty much the answer. Why don't you tell her? I mean you guys would make a cute couple, and I would love to see Karma happy." She looks away and stares at her feet. "She loves you, Amy. She always will. There's no place for me where you are right now. I'm happy being her friend, helping her where I can." She now looks at me again. "The only way I can make her happy is … there is no way. The only person who can make her happy is you Amy." There's a small smile on her face. She sacrifices her own happiness for Karma's sake, she's a true friend. "And well her hobbies haven't changed." Paula quickly changes the subject. "She still plays the guitar, writes songs, and she still loves netflix. I can barley talk to her when she's in her apartment, because she always keeps herself busy." We stand up again and start to walk. "Wow, that's amazing. Okey, I guess the only thing I still don't know about Karma is … what is her best friend like?" She looks at me confused. "I mean you, doofus." I wink at her. The confusion in her expression doesn't fade. "I want to get to know you, what are you doing? What did you major in? Stuff like that." She frowns a bit but starts talking again. "Well, I work with Karma in the pub, but have an internship at a local newspaper. I majored in journalism, writing and photography. Yeah, that's basically it. I mean I don't have any other hobbies than photography and I was only in the park to take some pictures." She gestures to her Camera bag that she carries around. I hadn't noticed it so far, but it makes sense I guess. "That sounds really cool, I did an internship, too in Dublin. It was really great." She smiles at me. "Yeah, I heard that you travelled through Great Britain and Ireland." I laugh a bit. "Yeah, and the Netherlands, Germany, Spain and Italy. I've been away for two years, I had time to travel." Her look darkens a bit. "Why were you away for so long, if I'm allowed to ask?" The smile on my face vanishes. I tried to drown my thoughts of the reasons. "You don't have to answer me, I'm sorry." She says and looks shy on the ground. "No, it's fine. I was really devastated because of Karma back then. I thought she did great without me and I drowned myself in self-pity and a lot of other things." Her eyes widen, shocked. I'm kinda glad that I led us to my apartment building, because now I could end the conversation and get back to work. "So, I live here, but it was really nice to meet you. Say hi to Karma for me, please when you see her again." She starts to smile and I can't make out if the smile is fake or not. "I will, thank you for the walk. It was really great to get to know you." She goes for a hug and … oddly as it sounds, I don't mind. She turns around and starts to walk away. She's gorgeous with her long brown hair, braided nicely and with her hazel eyes. Her style is great, too. She wears hotpants and a London themed tank top. She also wears a flannel shirt around her waste and combat boots. I finally turn around and head to my apartment. It's time to get some depth in the story.

I sit in my room watching Netflix. Some rerun of Orphan Black. Liam and I just had finished dinner and we talked about the day. I told him about meeting Paula in the park and he suggested that Karma is in town, too. But I don't think so, she would've told me. I take a selfie, I still try to hint to Karma that I have her t-shirt, but she didn't comment on it yet. I upload it with the capture _Netflix night alone #busyfiancé_. About two minutes after I hit the upload button my phone buzzes. I got a message from Karma.

Nice t-shirt, somehow familiar

I instantly answer

You think so? I always wore it when I was younger ;)

Oh yeah, I remember =P Did you even wash it in the two weeks you had it?

Well, not really no. I wanted it to smell like you … but I don't think it does anymore :(

I might know a way to change that ;) look outside your window.

I frown a bit. What is she talking about? She can't be here, right? I walk to my window and when I stick my head out I immediately see her standing there. She waves at me smiling bright. I head out the door, ignoring Liam who asks what I was doing. The moment I get out the door I stop, staring at her. "Why didn't you tell me you're here?" I ask out of breathe. She smiles at me "I wanted to surprise you. I was scared that Paula ruined the surprise, but I guess she didn't" She winks at me. She wears hot pants, a loose tank top and my beanie. It really fits her well. She looks kinda sexy in it. "I missed you" she says coming closer. I step closer, too until we're only inches apart. I can feel her breathing on my lips before she closes the distance. The warm feeling overwhelmed my body and I almost collapsed in her arms that were now wrapped around my neck. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer. Our lips melt as we deepen the kiss. This feels so right and I forget everything around me. She bites my bottom lip and slowly pulls away. I feel myself pout as she rests her forehead against mine. She smiles and looks me in the eye. "Wow" she says, it's almost a whisper. "I know" I say under my breath.


	10. Chapter 10

I hear a cough and feel her jerk away from me. I look up to my apartment window and see Liam standing there, not really looking happy about the situation. "Well, good day Karma. Long time no see. Amy?" He sounds really pissed. "Can you come upstairs please and explain something to me?" I look at Karma, she stares on the ground, with a red face. She took off the beanie. "I'm so sorry," I mumble as I start to move towards the entrance, but she stops me by reaching out for my arm. "No, I'm the one who should be sorry. Is it okey, if I come with you?" I look at her confused. "Why would you want that? Liam is gonna rant about how this will ruin my relationship. I really rather have you down here and not up there." She finally looks at me, and I see the concern in her eyes. "That's what I'm worried about. And besides, at one point I have to talk to Liam when we want to be friends again." She takes a deep breathe before she continues. "And it's my fault that this happened. I just saw you standing there, and you look amazing in my old shirt. I just wanted to … you know." She blushes again and looks to the ground. I take her hand and lead her to my apartment. I let go of her hand before we enter. Inside stands an impatient and frowning Liam. "Oh great, you brought her up here." He says eyeing Karma with a disgusted face. "I wanted to come up here to explain, that this is not at all Amy's fault." He looks at her with a stern face and then looks at me. "So, bother to explain what happened, after you guys ran into each other in Austin?" Oh right, I told him. I see Karma looking at me with hope, but she just backs away from me a bit more. "Well, we talked and decided to be friends again, nothing more." She said in a low voice. She looks at her feet and fumbles nervously with the beanie in her hands. "Nothing more?" Liam asks with a raised eyebrow and crossed arms. I sigh, I can't lie to him. He's always been there for me. "Well, there might have been a kiss. This kiss might have been completely my action. Yeah." His eyes widen and he bites his lip in anger. "So you pretty much cheated on the best guy that will ever cross your way with this thing over there?" He pointed at Karma who ducks her head whose eyes are filled with guilt and I see a tear rolling down her cheek. "Excuse you? She's my friend, how dare you talk to her like that?" So I still get overprotective when it comes to Karma. I feel her hand on my shoulder. "It's fine Amy, he's right. I'm not good for you in that way. That's why we're friends. I know that Oliver makes you happy and I only want to see you happy. This whole situation is my fault and I will tone it down, trust me. Don't worry Liam, I won't bother the two of you any further." She turns around to go. I shoot Liam a look and he raises his arms in defence still with a frown on his face. "Wait Karma, how about we meet tomorrow?" She turns around with a questioning look. "Well, I have plans with Paula. And I really don't think it's a good idea." I look at Liam again who crosses his arms again, looking at me questioning. "I mean all of us. You, me, Paula, Liam and Oliver." Liam snorts at the suggestion. "Well count me out, cause I have tons of stuff to do tomorrow, but you meeting Oliver might not be such a bad idea." He nods in Karma's direction. I look at her and she frowns a bit, still not happy about the situation. "I don't think it's a good idea. Is Oliver even free tomorrow? And I don't know if Paula is happy about the change of plans either, she really looked forward to see Venice Beach." I start to smile, I love Venice. "Oh don't worry, I happen to know that Oliver doesn't have clients tomorrow, so don't worry. And why shouldn't Paula like it to be shown around Venice by a person who's been there a lot and knows all the right places?" I wink at her. She bites her lip and we look at each other for a moment. "Well I'm going to bed now, you decide what you wanna do, but know that I'm watching you two." He makes this cheesy motion where he points at his eyes and then at us. I roll my eyes at him and shout "Sleep well, Booker!" after him. He only waves and walks to his room. I turn to Karma again who looks at me. "Well I guess I can't say no to you." I smile bright at her. "Great, see you tomorrow then, text me the details. If you want I can drive there." This will be amazing. There's a small hint of a smile on her face as she turns to the door. "Fine, Amy. See you tomorrow." And she's out the door. I pull out my phone to text Oliver.

_Hey Olli, great news, Karma's in town and she wants to meet us. So how about Venice tomorrow?_

_Love you, Amy._

I walk to the bathroom to get ready for another Netlfix marathon. When I head to my room again I hear my phone buzz.

_Karma? Okey, well … if you want to I'm in. She's your friend after all. But Venice? Really? You know I hate it._

I frown at his text. Can he just please agree and be happy to get to know my best friend?

_Well she has plans with her friend Paula to go to Venice, and you know how much I love Venice! Please!_

_Okey, fine. I'll stop by your place tomorrow morning. See you then, love you._

I put away my phone smiling. The two most important people in my life will get to know each other. And maybe I get Paula and Karma together. They really would make a cute couple. I smile to myself mischievously and try to think about a way to make Paula and Karma a thing. But when I really think about it, do I even want them to be a thing? I mean … yeah I want her to be happy … but … no but, I lover her only platonically and I want her to be happy, now stop thinking stupid things Amy. I frown at myself. Ah fuck it, I'll get over it while watching Orphan Black. Halfway in the second episode I pass out.

I wake up to the sound of laughter. I groan, turn around and see that my door is open. That means Oliver is here and checked on me. I check the time on my phone, it's 8am. I groan again but decide to get up. I rub my eyes while entering the living room, pouting at the noise that the guys were making. "Have you slept at all?" Liam asks still laughing. "It's fucking early, what are you assholes doing up so early?" Yep, I'm clearly not a morning person. The boys look at each other caughing and starting to laugh again. "What's so funny?" I ask sitting down next to Oliver. He puts his arm around me finally calming down. I rest my head on my arms, still not happy that I'm awake that early. "I love it when you're grumpy in the morning, but some people have to work and Liam asked me if he could talk to me." Oliver smiles at me and pecks me on the cheek. It takes me a few seconds to process what he just said and I shoot up, shocked and eyes wide. "What did you guys talk about?" Oliver looks at me confused but chuckling, I'm suddenly wide awake staring at Liam. Did he tell him about the kiss? Liam smirks at me. "I was just wondering if his chambers need a bit Liam flavoured art." He winked at me. I let out a breathe I didn't realize I was holding in and the tension that had built up in my body fades. My head sinks down on my hands again and I close my eyes for a moment. "Is everything okey, Amy? You look a bit stressed." Of course I'm stressed. I repeated the same mistake I made two weeks ago and I somehow don't feel bad about it. That's not a really good sign. I feel him staring at me and quickly shake my head. "Oh no, everything's fine, it's just that I have to work on my story later today. I hope you don't mind, that I can't have dinner with you." I look at him apologizing. I really have to work without any kind of distraction and since we're gonna meet Karma today, I have to work a night shift. He frowns at me, but his eyes are soft. "I'm not happy about it, but I see you now, don't I? And I'm gonna see you for the rest of my life." He kisses me on the forehead and I can't help but smile. He's right. I plan to spend the rest of my life with him and that fills me with joy. I get up and stroll to the kitchen to make me breakfast, but Oliver already prepared pancakes. What would I do without this guy? I pour myself some coffee that definitely Liam made, because it was so strong, my spoon almost stood in there. I'm quiet while I eat my breakfast and the guys rant about the art that Liam is supposedly making for Oliver's chamber. My thoughts start to wander. This time to Paula. This girl is really confusing for me, I know she loves Karma, and Karma has something going on for her. I don't know if she just doesn't see it, or if I just interpret too much, but they always hang around and when I talk to Karma, she talks about her so often. Why doesn't Paula just go for it? What does she have to lose? She could get the most perfect woman in the whole universe. The best kisser I've ever known, with the softest hands and the most genuine smile. With the dreamiest voice and the soul of an angel. Fuck, I shouldn't think about her. This clearly makes me groggy. I realize that I've finished my meal and I stand up to get ready. I feel my phone buzzing in the pocket of my sweatpants and pull it out, just to see that I got a message. Speaking of the devil …

_So, I'm awake. Paula not so much, but I think we'll be ready in two hours. What do you think?_

_-Karma_

I lean over to Oliver and kiss him. He's surprised, but kisses back. I haven't kissed him like that in weeks and I really should do that more often. It's a passionate kiss filled with love. "Get a room you two." Liam scoffs at us. I pull away and wink at Liam heading to my room. I hit reply on my phone.

_I'm awake, Oliver is already at my place. Two hours sounds great. Let's meet at the park, Paula knows where. See you then_

_xo Amy_

_Well, if you say she does … See you then._

I get ready as fast as I can and go to the living room again where the boys are still talking about art. I roll my eyes, tell Oliver when we'll leave and grab a book from my shelve.

I take a deep breathe. We're almost at the meeting point. I feel Paula putting my hand in hers and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It's going to be fine Karma, I'm by your side." I smile at her, but I have this weird knot in my stomach. "So I'm going to meet Oliver for the first time. I mean I saw him in school and everything, but I never talked to him." I looked at her. She smiled at my anxiety to meet the fiancé of the girl of my dreams. "Look, if it's no fun, we're out of there. Trust me I can come up with the perfect excuse. In fact, we don't even need one, because you, my darling, still need a lawyer to check that contract." She nudges my shoulder playfully. "And we don't have all the time in the world to do so." I let out a small laugh and look at the ground. Paula's breathe hitches what makes me look up. They are standing there facing each other, talking. I feel the urge to turn around and run away. I'm so not ready for that. But Paula tightens the grip on my hand as if she can hear my thoughts. We both sigh and walk straight towards them. When Amy notices us, she smiles and waves enthusiastically, but the smile fades when she looks at our hands. I look down to our hands, oh right, we're holding them. Why does she frown at that? Oliver turns around and gives us a small smile and an even smaller wave as a hello. When we're finally there, Amy goes in for the hug with Paula who is a bit surprised by Amy's action. After that Amy hugs me really tight and says "Hey guys, I'm so happy that we're doing this. And as a formal introduction" She grabs Oliver's arm and pulls him closer to her, and an anger fumes up inside me. "This is Oliver, Oliver Karma, Karma Oliver. Oliver Paula, Paula Oliver." She gestures at the person as she says the name and Oliver shakes hands with the both of us. You can clearly see the discomfort as he takes my hand, but I try my best at ignoring it. So I'm not the only one who thinks this is bonkers. "So lets go then, the car is over there." She points in a direction and starts walking there with lots of energy. She grabs Oliver by the hand and drags him with her, waving us to follow them. This is so not normal-Amy behaviour, what is happening? I look at Paula who looks at Amy as bewildered as me, before looking at me mouthing _what the fuck?!_ We head to the car, still holding hands. I really don't think I could handle it if she wasn't with me right now. Oliver is driving, and Amy is in the passenger seat. It's an Audi A8 and I'm seriously wondering which 26-year-old can afford such a car. Paula gets in the car with wide eyes and open mouth. We both really don't have any money, so we're not used to fancy cars and stuff. As I get in I can't hold back a comment. "Nice car, did you win in the lottery?" Oliver looks at me through the rear-view mirror and chuckles a bit. "No, actually I bought this with financial help from my parents. I'm paying it off on a monthly basis. I own it for a few months now." I nod understanding and we drive off to Venice Beach. I'm quite excited to see Venice Beach, but on the other side, I'm really scared how the day goes with those two. I frown a bit. The drive there is filled with a conversation from Amy and Oliver about how Amy needs to take more time for herself and, of course, for him. I roll my eyes annoyed, they really shouldn't be talking about this with others in the car. Paula leans over to me and whispers in my ear. "This is so awkward, are they really talking about their relationship right now?" I suppress a laugh, because I was thinking the same thing and whisper back "Yeah I know, right? But this situation is awkward nonetheless. Thank you so much for being here with me." I kiss her quickly on the cheek. "So, what are you guys doing in LA, you haven't told me yet." Amy looked at us through the rear-view mirror with a red face and an angry glare. She was clenching her fists and her words came out rather aggressive that even Oliver looked at her for a second. "Well, I'm pretty much here for work. And Paula decided to join me." The look on Amy's face sends shivers down my spine and the look on Paula's face tells me that she feels the same way right now. Amy raises an eyebrow. "Working? How does working in a pub get you to LA?" Is it just me or was this comment really rude? I look over to Paula who's mouth is now open and she's about to say something and because I know this won't end nice if she talks now, I talk fast. "Well I had an appointment with a record label yesterday." Amy's expression softens and she turns around with a surprised expression. "A record label? You mean, you have a record deal? Why didn't you tell me?" I looked over to Oliver who was concentrated on the road. "Well that was kind of a part of surprising you, but I didn't get to tell you." I say still looking at Oliver. As he shows no reaction, he doesn't know what happened yesterday. Other than Paula who starts to smirk in the corner of my eye and I push my elbow in her rib that she stops. "Ouch, you whore." She says rubbing her ribs, but she gets the hint and looks out of the window. "Oh okey, well you have to tell me about it." I told her the whole story how Evan got the hold of me and finally we arrive at Venice Beach. We get out of the car and start to walk to the beach. Paula and I with wide eyes and open mouths. We're stumbling over our own feet and almost fall simultaneously. I hear Oliver laugh and when I look behind me I see Amy nudging his ribs. "Hey, be polite. That's their first time on the beach." Paula laughs out loud, but I shoot her a look to be quiet. "Have you been to the beach before?" Oliver asks Paula nonchalant. She looks at me and winks "Of course I have, with that cutie next to me." Amy looks at me, hurt. We promised that my first time on a beach would be us two together. My parents don't have the money to travel, so I only got to see the world, or in my case Texas, with Paula in college. "Oh really? Where did you go?" I look at the ground, but I feel her eyes on me. "We travelled along the coast of Texas." Paula answers looking at the beach. "Must've been a great trip." The anger and disappointment drips from her voice and I feel my cheeks warm up. I must be red like a tomato. "Oh it was" Paula continued not realizing the tension in the situation. "we travelled the whole summer. We worked at pubs along the coast to afford the trip and hitch-hiked the whole way. We got to know a lot's of great people." I dare to look at Amy, who shoots me a hurt look, but I only shrug at her. What am I supposed to do? We didn't talk! I thought she hated me! "Especially Karma met some cute guys and girls. She even had a summer fling." Oh no she didn't. I facepalm and shut my eyes really tight at her naivety. How could she say something like that in front of Amy? "A summer fling? What's so great about a summer fling?" Oliver asks, not feeling the tension either I suppose. Amy walks now next to me, still glaring at me angrily. Is she angry at me that I had a fling? She can't be serious, can she? "That's something amazing, isn't it, Karma?" She looks at me smiling and I try to smile back, but it comes out weak. "Of course it is, it was a fun time." Amy takes a deep breathe next to me. Paula starts rambling about how we met this surfer chick in Freeport and how she was our travel companion for the whole summer. And of course how I started dating her during that time. It was the only girl I ever dated, well besides Amy, obviously. She had blonde curls, was really sporty and loved the rock chic look. She wore black a lot, but it suited her. I start to smile foolishly, it really was a great summer. What a bummer that it had to end. Amy's coughing snaps me out of my thoughts. "So, what do you think about Venice so far?" I look around for the first time really. It was the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The promenade with all those people and of course the beach. I'm almost drooling when I hear "fucking perfect" next to me. I look at Paula who's definitely drooling and giggle. She looks at me and pushes me lightly. "I'm happy that you like it, it's one of my favourite places in LA, it gives me inspiration for my writing." Paula looks at Amy with puppy eyes. "I can't even imagine working here, it must be amazing." Again I hear a laugh from Oliver's direction. "Trust me, LA isn't that great, really. Especially not if you're working with people." I don't even know what he works, and as if she could read my mind, Paula already talks. "What exactly do you do for a living, Oliver?" He looks at Amy, like he's disappointed that she never mentioned it. "I'm a lawyer, my chambers are here right around the corner." "A lawyer?" Paula asks with wide eyes. My face drops. "You're a lawyer? Really?" Both of them look at us confused. "Yeah, never seen one in real life?" He asks with a raised eyebrow. "Oliver, don't be sarcastic, that's really not nice." Amy snaps at him. They make a good old-married couple. "Oh we've met lawyers, trust me." Paula winks at Oliver. We both look at each other and she nods at me. "Well, can I ask you for a favour? I kinda might need you help with something." he looks at me amused. "Do you have legal issues?" He says suppressing a laugh. Amy shoots him a look and he stops immediately. "No, but you know that I've met with this record label? Well I have time till tomorrow, then I must've made my decision. I have the contract with me, but I wanted to check with a lawyer if it's an accurate deal, or not." He looks at Amy and she gave him a permitting look. "Oh amazing! I love contracts!" He pauses for a second as he sees my and Paula's questioning looks. "I'm not kidding, I'm serious. I love looking over contracts, because it's the detail that matters. We can go to my office right now if you want to." He's really excited about that. What a nerd, I chuckle. "Fine by me, I mean that really helps me." Amy looks a bit annoyed, but she agrees, and Paula agrees, too. We head to his office which is really close to the beach. That's to be envied. We sit down at the desk of his office and he starts reading the contract. After 10 minutes Amy gets up "I'm gonna go get some lunch. Does anyone want to come with me?" She looks at me expectant and I get up and say "Sure, it's gonna be complicated to get all the take-out here by yourself." I smile at her and she turns for the door. I look at Paula who just winks at me. As soon as the door is closed Amy looks at me. "Are you and Paula really just friends? You seem more than that, you guys have been through a lot together." I look at her, kinda surprised about the question. "We've been through a lot, too Amy. Paula and I are just friends." She frowns a bit "You seem pretty close, though." Is she jealous? "We are close, we spent almost every day with each other since college. You grow close in that time." She looks on the street and is silent for a few seconds. When she speaks again there's some sort of envy in her voice. "Why haven't you told me about this surfer chic?" Okey, she is jealous. "Why should I tell you about her? It was nothing serious." She sighs, but still doesn't look at me. "So you decided not to tell me, when you had a relationship. I don't know how to deal with that." My mouth drops open, I stop walking and stare at her. She can't be serious right now. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I shout at her. She stops and looks at me. "You didn't tell me you're engaged and I should've told you about some unimportant summer fling, with someone who reminded me of you?!" She looked to the ground for a moment and then back up to meet my eyes. "Touché." With that she turns around again and starts walking. I catch up with her. We walk the rest of the way in silence and when we arrive at the Chinese restaurant she wants to get food, she let go of my hand. Wait what? When did she take my hand? We were holding hands? What did I miss here? It took me a moment to recollect myself and enter the restaurant behind her.


	11. Chapter 11

She looks at me the whole time we wait for our food. Her glare makes my neck hair stand up straight. What's going on with her? I know I talked shit, but is she really pissed at me? I don't dare to look at her and as soon as we get the food she turns on her heal and heads out the door. I ordered Oliver's and Karma's favourite, only when it came to Paula's order, I had to ask Karma. That was the only time she spoke in the restaurant. On the way back to the office, she's a few steps ahead of me the whole time. I feel really bad for being jealous earlier and reach out for her arm before she could enter the building. "I'm sorry about earlier, I know it's not my place to say something about your love life." Karma looked at me annoyed. "Non-existent love life." She mumbles, probably not for me to hear. "I'm just so confused to have you back in my life. I'm used to having you to myself. Now you have a new best friend and I don't know where I fit in this picture." It didn't sound as pathetic in my head as it did out loud. There was a soft smile on Karma's face. "I totally understand, trust me. I'm used to sharing you with Oliver either." She pauses and takes a few seconds to form the next sentence. "I can tell you exactly where you fit in. You're like a sister from another mister." She says in a mocking tone, shoving my shoulder playfully, grinning. I can't suppress a smile. Still I wished she would've said something else. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I seriously don't give a fuck anymore. I pull her in for a tight hug. She pulls away, still smiling. "We should probably head inside, before the food gets cold." She winks at me and enters the building. Who am I kidding? I still love her, and probably always will. With these thoughts I follow her inside, smiling foolishly at her back.

The moment we enter the office my smile slightly fades, remembering that I'm going to marry Oliver. Sweet, sweet Oliver. He sits there still hovering over the contract, casually saying things to Paula. When we enter he looks up quickly, smiling at me. "I'll be ready in a minute, then we can chat about it over lunch. Does that sound good to you?" He's now looking at Karma with a genuine smile. This is a good sign, that means he likes the contract, I can tell. He finishes while we set up the food. "How much do I owe you?" Paula's question catches me a bit off guard. I shake my head quickly and smile at her. "Oh, don't worry about it." She frowns at me and Karma just chuckles. "She doesn't like to be invited." I look at Paula with a raised eyebrow. "It makes me feel like a … an escort." She explains looking cautiously at Oliver. He must've told her that he dislikes swearing. I look back at Paula. "And to be honest, you guys are helping Karma with ther contract, so the least I can do is pay for my own food." Well she is kinda right. But she helps me, too. Yesterday she told me about Karma and her college days. "Please let me pay." Oh now I get it. "So it's about your pride, huh? Really, Paula, I just want to be nice. We invited you to the office, so we provide food. It's called good manners." I wink at a startled Paula. I look over to Oliver who's finished with the contract and smiles at me. I smile back and look to Paula again, who's now smiling mischievously. "Oh no," I hear Karma whisper, who sees Paula's expression, too. "So if it's an act of good manners," Paula starts, Karma pulls a face next to her and says "Here we go, Paula please don't, just stop." But Paula ignores her and continues. "How about we invite you two for dinner as a thank you?" She smiles big. "sounds great," I hear Oliver next to me say. What the fuck happened to not wanting to see Karma? On the other hand, he would never say no to free food. "But let's start with this one." He waves the contract in the air and sits down to eat. We join him on the table and he starts, looking at Karma. "I won't bore you with the lawyer terminology so I'll quickly explain it to you. It's a basic and decent record deal. The contract provides that you work with them on three albums, what means they have the right to release two cds if you bail after the first one. You're going to work with some other writers, but you're mainly asked to write yourself, since you're considered a singer-songwriter. Your income is basic, which is really good for a first-time record deal. Mr West must really like your work." He pauses for a moment and Karma shifts in her seat nervously. "This is a safe and good contract, Karma. I would recommend you make the deal." Karma sits there not moving, her mouth is wide open. Next to her, Paula has a huge smile on her face. All of a sudden they start to scream simultaneously and jump up to hug Oliver. He looks quite amused by the situation. I don't know how to react and sit there motionless. "Thank you so much! I don't know what I would've done without you!" Karma says, as the two finally release Oliver from their grip. Karma cries tears of joy, or at least I hope those are tears of joy. Oliver shifts in his seat. "There is one thing I have to tell you in addition." His expression darkens and his voice is serious. Oh so he's going to play them. They're gonna think that something is wrong with the contract, but in fact he just wants to advertise himself as a lawyer. He always does that, he waits for their reaction. They look at him again with wide eyes, scared and confused. And here it goes. He smiles at them and says "If something is wrong while you work with them, or you think there is any violation of the contract on your behalf, tell me and I will help you." Told you so. Oliver could be a sneaky little prick sometimes. Paula and Karma let out a breathe they were both holding in and started laughing. "Now I really want to take you out for dinner, thank you so much again Oliver." Karma says in between laughs. I clench my fists and shoot him a look. I dare you to say yes, idiot. "That would be great! How about tomorrow evening? We could celebrate after you signed the contract. I know a good place." He winks at me and I frown. "Isn't it amazing, Amy? I'm going to make my dream come true. I finally made it!" Karma looks at me expectant. She's back to naive again, she hasn't made it yet, she's practically just at the beginning. She still looks at me with this huge smile on her face and I try my best to put on a smile, but it occurs to me that it looks more than fake. "Yeah, it's really great." Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her. But dinner with Oliver and Karma? That's not a really good idea.

The situation stayed the same and I felt the urge to go for a walk. "Hey are you guys going to stay here and talk about work stuff? If so, do you mind if I go for a walk? Because I'm in desperate need for fresh air." Oliver looks at me concerned. Karma shares his expression, both of them know that I only need fresh air when something is really bothering me. Only Paula looks at me bewildered. All three of them nod and I head out of the door. A sudden relief runs through my body and my body releases some tension. As soon as I'm outside I take the fresh air in with a few deep breaths. There was no tension whatsoever in the office, but I felt like I was drowning. I walk down to the beach, pulling out my headphones and listen to the music on my iPod on shuffle. As soon as I arrive at the beach I take off my shoes and let my feet explore the sand. The sand is warm and soft, man how I love that feeling. I walk to the water line and let the waves embrace my legs. I start to really listen to the music and realize that I was listening to BriBry, my favourite Irish singer.

_My imperfections, you let them mean nothing__  
><em>_I'd have done the same with yours if you had any__  
><em>_Just because I'm a mess doesn't mean this has to end__  
><em>_I deem it a certainty, you'll never find such love again___

_Take another step, take another step back, don't leave__  
><em>_Look at where we've been through time__  
><em>_I'll always value your life over mine_

I listen to the song on repeat and try to think about what I really want. I thought I was happy the last four years, but now I start to doubt everything in my life and I'm not sure of anything anymore. But one thing I'm obviously certain of, is that I can't stand Oliver and Karma getting along. I still don't know why though, I mean I should love the fact, shouldn't I? Something in me wants them to hate each other. That someone makes me chose between them. So I finally think straight … or not that straight. I sigh at my own pun. What's happening here? I feel my jaw tighten and my fists clenching at the thought that Oliver and Karma might want to spend time together. They're simply not supposed to get along. I feel a light tap on my shoulder. I jump and turn around to see Paula standing behind me. "I needed some fresh air, too and I saw you standing here …" My expression is clearly not that friendly, because she says "I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you. I should leave you alone, it was stupid to come down here." I shake my head quickly and start to smile. "Don't be silly, you don't bother me. I'd actually like some company." I say to her confusion. "I had the feeling you wanted to get out of there to be alone." That was the intention, right. "I just wanted to sort out my thoughts. You know my job is so stressful right now and I have this awful near dead line that I have to make and I'm not nearly as far as I should be. And to be honest, I hate to sit indoors when I have nothing to do. I always either work, read, or watch Netflix." I sigh deep. Paula smiles at me and stands next to me. "As believable as that sounds, you can't fool me." I look at her confused. "I know that you walked out of there, because there is your fiancé and the person that you once loved in a room, getting along. That must be really awkward for you." Love. But I won't tell her that. She turns her head and looks at me sympathetically. I can't help it but smile. "Yeah, you're right. I have no idea why I don't want them to get along, because one part of me says that it's good, but I have this awful feeling about it, you know?" she chuckles a bit. "Are you opening up to me?" I shake my head smiling. "Kind of, yeah. But I know that you're a decent person, so why not open up to the best friend of my childhood friend?" I nudge her shoulder lightly and she giggles. "You don't have to worry, okey?" I say with a little smile on my face. Her confused look begs for an explanation. "I'm not stealing you best friend. I just wanted to tell you that. I don't know if you thought something like that or not, but I can see that the friendship is important to the both of you, so I won't come between you two." She looks at the horizon and sighs. "That's not really what I'm afraid of." She mumbles. I can tell that she doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't say anything and we stand there looking at the sea.

After Paula and Amy came back from their "walk", more like marathon, we decided to part our ways. Paula and I Venice Beach for a while longer and Oliver begged Amy to go home, that came in handy for Amy who had a meeting with her publisher. As we walk through Venice Beach Paula is suspiciously quiet. "Okey, spill it." I finally say. I can't stand it when she doesn't say what's on her mind. "What?" She looks at me confused. "What's wrong with you? I mean seriously. You haven't said a word in 20 minutes, normally you don't go 20 seconds without saying something." She frowns at my comment. "So I'm a blabbermouth, thank you." She takes a deep breathe. "Nothing is wrong, I'm just thinking." "About what?" I won't get her off the hook that easy. She shoots me a look but I just smile at her. "You cheeky bastard," she says rolling her eyes smiling. "When Amy and I were on a walk earlier, we talked about some stuff. And don't even bother to ask me what, because I won't tell you." She grins wide at me and I let out a disappointed breathe. "Fine then, let's continue this walk in silence." I say a bit annoyed. What could they possibly have talked about that she doesn't want to share with me? I mean if they'd talked about me, she would tell me. I'm overthinking this, I know, but I'm just curious. I keep my mouth shut nonetheless for the rest of the walk.

When we arrive at the hotel again, we realize it's quite late already. It was around 7pm and we've been out the whole day. Paula is in her room, freshening up. And I sit there, strumming my guitar, thinking about the day. It was a quite eventful day, wasn't it? And I seriously get along with Oliver. When the girls were on there walk, we just sat there at chatted about high school, and about college. But mostly we talked about my future career and how he was genuinely happy for me. I still can't believe it. But one this is odd, though. We didn't let the name Amy slide down our tongues, not once. We didn't mention Amy at all. Well maybe that was for the better, because I wouldn't like to see that conversation. That would've been seriously awkward. My mind wanders back to Paula and what she probably talked to Amy about. Maybe they just talked about why she left the office. Wait, why did she leave the office? Everything went fine, she only goes for a walk this hastily when she's unhappy with the situation, but the situation was fine, wasn't it? I'm really confused, but whatever. I let my mind wander again, but it sticks to one thought: _What if I realized my feelings earlier, and I said I loved her back, exactly like that?_ Everybody knows that "What if …" thoughts are toxic, but I can't help it. Maybe I would be engaged to Amy now. But maybe I wouldn't be so close with Paula, because she wouldn't have cheered me up and stuff. I sigh, everything has its downsides, but not being that close with Paula is just unimaginable. She's my world. But on the other side, Amy would be my world right now. I would be in a happy relationship for ten years now … or not. Maybe we would've had a terrible breakup, and wouldn't look each other in the eye now, because of the relationship. Okey, decision made, it's fine how it is. We're just not meant to be. I have to accept that, even if it's hard. A loud knock on the door shoots me out of my thoughts. Room service stands in front of my door with a bottle of champaign. "Erm, I didn't order champaign," I say with knitted eyebrows. "That's fine, because I did." Paula stands right behind the guy who brought the bottle and takes it from him. "Thanks so much." She winks at him and enters the room, closing the door in the face of the poor guy. "Paula! He was probably just waiting for his tip!" She looks at me. "Duh! That's why I shut the door, I don't have the money for tips!" I laugh and she grabs the bottle and opens it. "Sooo … why the champaign?" She looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "Isn't it obvious? You're gonna be a world famous pop star and that needs to be celebrated!" She pops the bottle open and takes a huge gulp of champaign. "Calm you ass, honey. I haven't signed anything, yet. And didn't we say we'll celebrate with Amy and Oliver tomorrow?" She lets out a laugh. "Yeah, in a fancy-ass restaurant, were we can't get drunk as hell and make out afterwards." She winks at me. I roll my eyes at her. "So you want to just sit in our hotel room, get drunk and do nothing?" She pulls a face, like I just ate a bug and I'm really disgusting. "What?! Hell no, we're going to a club after this bottle is empty. I want to go dancing!" I laugh, she's so cute. And yeah, dancing would be great actually. "We haven't gone out clubbing in sooo long, so let's do it!" I feel like she had a few drinks before, because she acts really tipsy. "Yeah, fine, alright. We'll go clubbing tonight. Under one condition, don't hook up with any weird guy there." She laughs at my comment. "Oh trust me, when I'm with you, guys are so not interesting." She goes in for a hug. Was that comment weird, or is it just me? We finish the bottle, and another one, and head for a club.

We have no idea were to search for a club, but we eventually found one. The only problem, we have no idea where we are. But we'll figure it out later … hopefully. We enter the club and are welcomed with loud … rock music? Well not real rock music, but that pop rock stuff, like 5 seconds of summer, or something like that. It is quite nice, that it's no electro music, or house, or I don't know, I don't really like that kind of music. I'm way more into instruments. Paula is thrilled and goes directly to the bar. She turns around and hands me a beer. We look around and start to observe the people around us. I feel Paula's arm around my shoulders and see that a guy looks at me an approaches me. "Hey, how are you?" Oh great, shivers run down my spine. I'm really not in the mood for this right now. "Fine." "So are you here alone, or …?" I look at him, is he serious? I motion at the arm around me neck. "Obviously I'm with someone." "Oh, cool. So you and your friend are here to party?" Suddenly Paula speaks. "Girlfriend." "What?" The guy is clearly confused. "Well you see? This is my girlfriend, and we're here for a good time." She says blankly. He looks at her startled, "You guys are a couple?" He points at the both of us and we just nod. "I don't believe it, prove it." It's seriously the same routine every time. They want to see us kiss, and we decline. Then they don't believe us and finally we just ignore them. Suddenly Paula jumps up. "I LOVE THIS SONG!" And she drags me to the dance floor. I try to recognize the song. And I do as soon as Paula starts to sing along. "I don' t care if I'm misfit, I like it better than the hipster of all shit. I am the mother fucking princess. You still love me." When she sings the last part she looks me in the eye and grabs my hands. I dance along, of course. This is usual to me, Paula loves a song and I have to dance with her. I love dancing, but dancing with another person is just weird. But yes, it's Rock'n'Roll by Avril Lavigne, of course. "When it's you and me, We don't need no one to tell us who to be. We'll keep turning up the radio. What if you and I Just put up a middle finger to the sky, Let them know we're still rock 'n roll." Somehow our surroundings slow down and all I see is me and her. She never looked so genuinely loving like in that moment. And she's absolutely beautiful with her brown curls hanging over her shoulder, and a hat on her head. She wears a leather jacket, a white t-shirt and black pants with her signature boots. I don't know if it's the alcohol talking, but I really see how attractive she actually is. "Some some how, It's a little different when I'm with you, You know what I really am On the phone. You know how it really goes. Some some way, We'll be getting out of this Time one day. You're the only that I Want with me." She's still singing, but with these lines she takes me by the hip. Out of reflex I pull my arms around her neck and we look each other in the eye. She has fucking beautiful eyes. They look like gold. I could really get lost in them. The next thing I know is that I come closer to her face, and closer and closer, until there is no more distance between us. I kiss her, and it leaves goosebumps all over my body. She's a freaking good kisser. Her lips are soft and yes, I kissed her before. But never like this. We both had this desire in us, we both wanted more and neither of us wanted to break the kiss. A heat fills my body as she pulls me closer. Our lips move perfectly in sync as if they were made for each other and like a routine we both use our tongues in the exact same moments. The moment our tongues meet, I hear a little moan escape from her mouth and it makes my head rush. I pull away and see her pouting at the loss of contact. I feel the desire to kiss her again, but look her in the eyes for a moment. "Should we head back to the hotel?" She nods slightly and we slide through the mass of people on the dance floor outside. When we're outside I grab her hand and pull her close to me again. She looks at me, with wild eyes and I lean in again. This time my hand is in her hair, almost pushing down the hat. Her hands are on my back, but she lowers them slowly until she squeezes my ass. I can't, I really can't anymore. This time it's her who pulls away, leaving me panting a bit. "So, hotel?" She says, still holding me, looking at me. I simply not and we almost run back to the hotel. We let our instinct lead us the way and it works. This, or Paula remembered the way, I was way too tipsy to remember.

As soon as we entered the hotel, we were back to making out. We arrive at my room and we almost fall on the floor. We make it to the bed though and she picks me up, just to lower me on the bed again. I lie there as she hovers over me. "Should we really do this?" She asks, a slight concern in her voice. I have the complete desire to feel her body on mine, to feel her heat, to feel her love, so I nod quickly and she starts kissing me again.


	12. Chapter 12

I wake up, lying in Paula's arms. I snuggle my face in her neck and try to fall asleep again. I feel like I'm dying and I have no clue why. Suddenly the last night comes back in my memories. I remember us dancing, the kissing. The last thing I remember is Paula hovering over me, on this very bed. I shoot up, looking down at me. I wear clothes, that's a good sign. I wear my pyjamas though, so I might have changed into them. I hear a groaning next to me. Did we …? No this can't be, right? "What's wrong you asshole, why did you wake me up?" She shoves my arm and turn on her stomach to bury her face in the pillow. I'm still in shock, did we, or did we not have sex last night? I seriously can't remember. I'm really not used to any alcohol and the two bottles of champaign and the beer was just too much. "Paula?" I have to ask her, she turns her head in my direction and looks at me with sleepy eyes. "Yeah, darling?" It takes all the courage in my body to get the words out of my system. "We didn't … last night … did we?" She looks at me for a few seconds and bursts out laughing. Now I feel like an idiot, what's so funny about that? "What if we had?" She asks after the laughter cooled down to a chuckle. "It would be weird, wouldn't it? I mean we're best friends, this isn't supposed to happen." She leans her head on her elbow still looking at me. "Now you think it would be weird? Last night it sounded quite different." She chuckles again. My head hurts. "So can you please tell me if we had … you know?" She bursts out laughing again. "Don't mock me! Just tell me, please. I feel like an idiot." She laughs even harder. "Well you are, I mean look at you. It's your first blackout and you already think we had sex. We would be naked for that, wouldn't we?" Does that mean …? "So we didn't sleep together?" She's grinning now. "No you dumbass, I would never have sex with you, you're my best friend." Tension leaves my body and I relax a bit. "But how come the last thing I remember is you hovering over me, kissing me?" She lies down on her back and I lie next to her. "Well in the club you started kissing me, and I didn't mind it. Then we went here and it was your intention to sleep with me. We were almost doing it, you were fucking horny." She pauses to look at me and to wink at me. "But in the last minute, I backed off. I couldn't do it, you would have done it if I didn't stop." I hate her honesty sometimes. And I can always tell when she's lying and she's not right now. "I'm a fucking asshole" I say burring my face in my hands. "I can't believe I tried to seduce you." She sits up and puts her hand on my back. "It's fine Karma, you were drunk, lonely and needed propinquity" I look at her and try to smile, "I didn't even know you know such words." She punched my shoulder playfully and giggled a bit. "Let's just pretend that yesterday never happened, I'm fine with that. You know I love you, and you know that we're the best team ever." She hugged me from the side and I put my arms around her. "You're way too perfect for me. You made it that this situation is not awkward." She pulls away and winks at me "Of course I'm perfect. And I can do everything that other people say is impossible." And with those words she gets up. "So we really didn't do anything?" I'm still unsure about the whole situation. "No, we didn't, now calm you uterus, please." Still, something is weird about the situation. "And you just pulled away and I was fine with that?" Paula looks through the breakfast menu that the room service left them and doesn't even look at me. "No, you were quite unhappy about it, but I told you that we shouldn't do it and just cuddle instead." I frown, I seriously bought that? "You resisted me getting off you, but eventually you were so tired, that I had to change you and you fell asleep in my arms. That's the whole story, if you don't believe me, that's your problem." Okey, fine. Paula says the truth, she is never that nonchalant when it comes to lying. "By the way, I could never do that to Amy." Did I hear her correctly? "What?" I couldn't have possibly heard her right on that one. She looks up from the menu and take the phone. "I said that I could never do that to your future wife." There is no reaction in her face. "Room service? Yeah, I would like to order some cinnamon rolls, pancakes and bacon, please … Oh and two bloody marys." I stand up and walk up to her, with knitted eyebrows and crossed arms. "Bloody mary? What the fuck is that? … Wait, what did you just say about Amy?" She puts away the phone and looks at me with big, innocent eyes. "Bloody marys will help you with your hangover, trust me, they are amazing." She completely ignores my question. My blood starts to boil, I hate it when someone doesn't answer me. "What did you say about Amy?" She chuckles a bit and sits down on the couch. "I think you heard me correctly. I know that you guys are gonna end up together, I don't care what other people say." I know that this discussion has no sense whatsoever, so I leave it by that. "I'll head to the shower, I feel kinda nasty." She smirks at me, "Yeah, you are nasty." And she bursts out laughing. I roll my eyes at her. In the shower I can only think about one thing: Has seeing Amy, made me so desperate, that I would've slept with my best friend, just to have some sexual company?

Room service just arrived when I come fully clothed out of the shower. Paula gets the food and sits back down on the couch, watching Jersey Shore. "You didn't sing under the shower, what's going on in your head?" She asks, popping a sting of bacon in her mouth. "Nothing, I'm just trying to remember last night. I know you told me what happened, but I still can't believe that we almost ..." "Can we please stop talking about that? It's kinda nerve-wrecking." Paula looks hurt and for the first time in a long time, really touched. I feel like I just crossed a line and I have no idea why. But I won't go any further, of course not. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else." She picks up a cinnamon roll and puts a piece of bacon on it. "Or let's not talk at all for a moment." What is wrong with her? She's normally a morning person, so this is seriously worrying me. But I won't ask her about it. I start to eat the pancakes, since she ordered them for me, I know she did. After she finishes her breakfast she looks at the drinks. "So, you've never had a bloody mary before, right?" I look at her, with a big piece of pancake in my mouth and nod hastily. "Trust me, it's amazing, I'm not gonna tell you what's in there, just drink it. You'll see, it works miracles." She hands me one of the glasses and I look at a glass full of red liquid with celery in it? That is weird as fuck. I frown at the sight of it and swallow my pancake. "You expect me to drink that?" "Do you trust me?" She already drank something from hers and chews on the celery. I take a deep breathe and close my eyes. I take a small sip and it's … disgusting. I almost spit it out again. "You're trying to cure a hangover with alcohol?" she snaps her fingers and winks at me. "You are correct on this one, my lady. Trust me it will go away, and after a few sips it's really not that bad." I take another sip. This will take me a while. "So please tell me what's in there, I want to know." She smiles at me, at least she's back to herself now. "No way Ashcroft, I'm not telling you." I pout at her. "You can guess though." I pout even more, but I know that is has no use. "fine … so there is alcohol in it, so I guess vodka?" She nods at me. "The colour is red, and I think it is really disgusting, but is kinda tastes like tomatoes, so tomatoes?" She chuckles a bit, but nods. "And it's kinda spicy, so maybe chilli?" Paula chuckles again. "Close, but no, it's Tabasco. But you basically got it, those are the main ingredients. Now that you know, I can go to my room and shower." She gets up, her glass is already empty. She's almost at the door when she turns around again. "Oh wait, heads up for the plans for today?" Hmm, we don't really have much plans, but I think I have an idea. "Well, I have the meeting today, and tonight we have dinner with Oliver and Amy, remember? So I thought you could go for a photography tour, I know how much you want to do this and I'll call you when the meeting is done, so we can go somewhere, or I don't know. How does that sound?" Paula walked over to me, while I talked, looking in the air, thinking. "That sounds awesome, you got me on board." She leans down, pecks me on the cheek and jumps out of the room, happily. I sigh after she left the room. I replay what she said about Amy and how she "Couldn't do that to her". I missed her so much in the last years and now that she's back in my life, she turns everything around. I really thought that I'm over her, that all the thoughts are of platonic nature, but who am I kidding? I would practically steal her from Oliver to be happy again. On the other hand, she is happy right now. With the perfect fiancé who would die for her. Who will buy her a house and they will raise the perfect children, beautiful and intelligent. She lives a happy life, and that's all I can wish for. If it just was me who she's happy with. Then everything would be perfect for me … I need to clear my head. I grab my guitar and start to play a song. I should work on the song I started on a few weeks ago. After a few minuted of chord shredding, I realize that I play chords from a song that already exists. Great, I think of her and I think of this song. Why? Why now? I keep playing the chords and eventually I start to sing.

_I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted  
>I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted<br>And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine  
>Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?<br>When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?_

_Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?  
>If what we had was real, how could you be fine?<em>

_'Cause I'm not fine at all_

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving  
>I remember the make-up running down your face<br>And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them  
>Like every single wish we ever made<br>I wish that I could wake up with amnesia  
>And forget about the stupid little things<br>Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you  
>And the memories I never can escape<em>

_'Cause I'm not fine at all _

I sit in front of my laptop, leaning back with my hands behind my head. I stare at the monitor, trying to suck any more words out of my head. I'm never gonna make that deadline, like seriously I'm not gonna make it. I'm gonna lose my job and I'll have to find a new publisher, because I'm a fucking loser the a girl on my mind that shouldn't be there. I bury my face in my hands and let out muffled scream. Liam shoots in my room seconds later with a pan in his hands, obviously frightened. "What's wrong? Is someone here? A rambler? What's going on?!" He looks around the room and when he sees that I'm in fact alone, he frowns and looks at me. "Why did you just scream when there is no rapist in you room?" His voice is dripping with irony and I try to ignore him. "Seriously though, what's wrong Amy? You seem quite upset?" I sigh and look at him. "I'm devastated, I won't make my deadline and I'm freaking out. My head is blocking I can't get any word from my head to the screen. I'm fucked." He walks over to me and puts his arm around me. "Okey, I'm going to make you tea, and then you'll calm down, read a book, listen to some music, or maybe you'll just talk to me. I'll be in the kitchen, waiting." He leaves the room. He's got a point, I should calm down for a second. I switch to iTunes on my laptop and put it on shuffle. The first song I hear is just perfect. Oh I hate the world sometimes. I love the song, I really do, but now the brunette is in my head again and I don't know how to delete it. I listen to the lyrics for a while.

_The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone  
>I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone<br>And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around  
>It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on<br>It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long_

_It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?  
>If what we had was real, how could you be fine?<em>

_'Cause I'm not fine at all_

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving  
>I remember the make-up running down your face<br>And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them  
>Like every single wish we ever made<br>I wish that I could wake up with amnesia  
>And forget about the stupid little things<br>Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you  
>And the memories I never can escape <em>

I shut down the music, the universe can't be serious, everywhere I go, I see Karma. And I should see Oliver, because he is my fiancé. Fuck it. I get up and walk to the kitchen. Liam is ready with the tea and just wanted to bring me some, but He sees me coming out of my room. "Hey, you. So, here is your tea." He puts it down in the kitchen table and sits down. I sit down on the opposite side of the table and stare at the tea. "Look, I think I know what's going on." He says with a sympathetic look on his face. "Are you sure?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. "Sure, I mean I'm an artist, I can relate to creative malfunctions. You're clearly worried that you won't get back on track." I chuckle lightly at his comment. "Me? Not getting back on track? Are you kidding me?" He smiles at me and I let out a deep breath. "Not it's something completely different." I pour myself some tea, he made black tea, just what I need right now, to focus again. "I figured," he says, keeping his eye on me. We sat in silence for a while. He breaks the silence with a sigh. "So when are you going to tell him?" I frown at him. "Specify?" He looks at me with pursed lips. "When are you going to tell Oliver, that you kissed Karma, twice?" "Oh, that." I let my head sink. I take a sip of the tea. "Great tea by the way." I try to change the subject, but of course it's not working. "Amy? Come on, you have to tell him, he deserves to know the truth. He's always been honest with you, so the least you can do is to be honest with him." He pauses for a moment, but when he realizes that I'm not going to talk, he continues. "You're going to marry him in less than a year." I suppress the tears that try to make their way up my eyes. "I know, I know. But I can't tell him, unless I know what those kisses meant, if they meant anything at all." My voice is weak and shaky. Liam takes my hand. "Look Amy, I don't say it's going to be easy, because it won't. But you really have to tell him if you love him." I look at him, teary eyed. "What if he leaves me because of that?" He has a shadow of a smile on his face. "He loves you, Amy. You're his world. You mean everything to him, so don't worry about it. You guys will be okey." I smile at his words, I know that he's right. There's a knock at the door. "Way to ruin the moment" Liam says and stands up to get the door. I wipe away a tear that escaped my eyes and look down at my tea again. It's the mailman with a package for me. It's from my mother. I frown at the sight of it. My mother hasn't talked to me since I moved to LA, so this is really weird. It's a bunch of old stuff from my room. And some of Karma's stuff that was still in there. There was also a note in the package.

_I was cleaning your room. I thought you might want to have these._

_Love mom_

The first thing I hear from her in years, and it's just a bunch of old trash. I look through the stuff and remember to every item something that has to do with Karma. I sigh. Well this will be a hell of a ride.

In the evening, Oliver parks his car in front of the hotel where Karma and Paula are staying. He puts the car in park and we wait for them to show up. I text Karma that we're there and a few minutes later the girls come out of the building, laughing. The drive was quiet on my and Oliver's side, but Paula and Karma didn't stop talking about their trip to Santa Monica and the photo session they had. I smile to myself while listening to the girls brag about their trip. They must've had a lot of fun, what makes my inside turn. I don't know why the jealousy is back again, but the genuine laugh of Mrs. Karma Ashcroft makes everything better and makes the jealousy kinda go away, but also kinda stronger, because I'm not the reason of the laugh. Oliver and I haven't talked that much since yesterday, he called me a few times in his break, but I'm pretty much avoiding him. At the restaurant we sit down at our table. Oliver chose the Italian restaurant with the live music. He knows how much I love it and it's quite affordable for the girls who insisted on paying before we even entered the restaurant. Oliver doesn't mind them paying, but it leaves a weird feeling in my stomach to not pay for Karma's food. I know I'm weird. The conversation at the table is pretty superficial, we talk mostly about work. But there was one question that caught my attention. "So what did you guys do yesterday, after the looked through the contract? Did you celebrate?" Oliver asks. "Well, we walked through Venice for a while and then, yeah, we decided to go clubbing, it was nothing special." Karma answers him nonchalant, but what catches my attention is Paula's reaction. Her face was unreadable and she shifts in her seat. "Yeah, nothing special, just the usual." Interesting, I wonder what happened between them. The rest of the conversation was quite boring and utterly annoying, I'm still not used to the fact that Karma and Oliver get along so well. Even though they talk about nothing important, they still get along, they can keep up a conversation. I wished they couldn't, like seriously couldn't. That would make things a lot easier for me. Paula excuses herself to go to the restroom. Ever since the question about yesterday night, she's been suspiciously quiet and Karma did a great job ignoring it. I can tell that there is something fishy. And Paula really used the term "restroom". I remember that Karma told me that she uses rather extraordinary words instead of restroom. I follow her quickly and wait for her outside of the stalls. When she exits and goes to the sink to wash her hands, she sees me in the reflection of the mirror. I can see that she struggles with her smile. "Hey, you. What's up?" Her voice is somewhat shaky. I stand there leaning against the stalls, my arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. "Spill it." She frowns at me. "What?" I walk up to her and stand right next to her, she's still looking at me through the reflection. "What happened yesterday with you and Karma?" She shakes her head and looks at her hands. "Nothing, just some drunk-make-out-stuff." I lightly push her that she looks at me. "You can tell me, you know I won't tell her." She takes a deep breath. "Well I guess I have to tell someone, since I can't talk to my best friend about it." She takes a moment to collect herself and starts talking again. "Well, we've been out, and Karma isn't used to drinking, but I am. So she had a bit too much to drink and we were dancing in this club. Suddenly she starts to kiss me and I felt like I was the happiest person alive." She had to stop for a second. She looks away from Amy and when she turns back at her, she sees the tears in her eyes. "We went back to the hotel to … you know." She's clearly trying to suppress a sob, where is she going with this story? I feel my fists clenching at the thought of them having sex. "But we didn't don't worry. I pulled away, I couldn't do it." She looks at me defeated and I still wonder, why this gets to her so much, there is more she isn't telling me. My fists relax a bit and my curiosity takes over. "Why couldn't you do it? What made you stop?" She looks at the ground and fixes her eyes on one spot. "We were way too drunk, it wasn't a good idea." I frown at that. "As far as I know, drunk people don't really care about it. What happened, Paula? What did Karma do, to upset you so much." There was a moment of silence, and Paula finally looks at her again. "You have to promise me you won't tell her." Wait what? "I thought she was there with you, so doens't she technically know?" She cracks a little smile. "No, Karma has a full blown hangover, she can't remember anything that happened right after we came back to the hotel room." I run my hand through my hair, "I guess yeah, I promise I won't tell her." She takes a deep breath. "So … things got pretty steamy, I won't lie. And I know that you don't like this part about the story, but right before things got more … serious, she moaned something, something that made me pull away and I just couldn't go any further." This girl has me hooked, I want to know what Karma could've possibly said to get this girl away from her. "What did she moan? Tell me." I basically beg her. She shakes her head slightly and has a shadow of a smile on her face. She looks me deeply in the eye. "Your name."


	13. Chapter 13

I stood there watching her face fall. She stumbled a bit backwards, I think I seriously shocked her. That kinda amuses me, but still, I don't want to deal with the talk that follows. She shakes her head and opens her mouth to say something, but I hurry to say something first. "I-I th-think we should head back to the others." And as soon as I finish talking I'm out of the door, leaving her standing there. I take a deep breath to collect myself again and go back to the table. "So, what did I miss?" I sit down with a big smile on my face. "Nothing much, we were just talking about principle Penelope, I told you about her, haven't I?" Karma puts her elbow on the table and supports her head with her hand. "That weirdo that wanted you Amy to be together so badly? Yeah, you told me about her." I see Oliver frown at my comment. But Karma doesn't notice. "So where did you leave Amy?" Oliver asks nonchalant. "I don't know, I had a quick chat with her at the sink, but that's all." Why did I say what we were doing? He didn't ask that, he just asks where she is. Goddamnit I'm so stupid. Luckily they both didn't ask further and Amy finally arrived at the table, looking a bit stressed with that forced smile she wears so well. "Ah, there you are." Oliver puts his arm around Amy immediately. I wonder what Karma and him were talking about, because this is some protective behaviour, like a duck with their ducklings. I look at Karma, she has a calm expression on her face, but I can see that her breathing increased. There is something fishy about this situation. I shoot Karma a questioning look and she bends over to me. "He's way too nice. We had this normal conversation, but I'm telling you, with every sentence he somehow came to the topic Amy and their perfect relationship." She whispers the words rather harsh and I comfort her, by putting my hand on her leg. "Don't worry about that, you won't see him after this week, for another week. And maybe more, who knows. And think about what he did for you, so be nice." I wink at her. This girl kills me, I've never seen her that jealous before. I sigh and try to get the conversation going. "So, what do you guys think about the food?" Amy suddenly sits straight up. "Oh man, this is my favourite place, please tell me that you like the food." She looks at Karma expectant. Could she be more obvious? No wonder that Oliver gets protective about her. A slightly shake my head, but I guess nobody sees it. "I love it, it's freaking amazing!" Karma says gazing at Amy. I kick her foot and add. "Yeah, it goes great with the wine." I wink at her. Karma shoots me a look, but gets the hint that she should stop staring. "Oh, I wouldn't know, I don't drink." Amy says, letting herself fall in her seat, looking shy at Oliver. Oh this might be interesting. "Really? Why not? Any specific reason?" I lean forward leaning on my elbows looking at Amy. Karma tries to pull me back, but my journalist-sense tingles. Amy opens her mouth to say something, but before she can Oliver speaks up. "No specific reason, she just doesn't." He basically snaps at me. I lean back in my seat again, smiling with satisfaction. There is a story, and I'm going to find out what's going on. I completely ignore Karma next to me who shoots me looks the whole time. I'm pretty quiet the rest of the dinner and just observe the relationship between Oliver and Amy. And of course: Amy and alcohol. Why doesn't she drink? There must be so much more to the story. They were blabbing about unimportant stuff, like what they've been up to during college. So boring. But one thing is interesting though. Everytime I lift my glass, or I tab on it lightly, she looks at it. Hmm … So maybe Oliver forbids her to drink … no that can't be it. I'll get to the source of it, I promise. "Stop it, you won't do anything. I know your look, I know that look means trouble. Please, whatever it is, just leave it!" Karma whispers to me. "What? I'm not doing anything? I'm just observing, that's all." I pout at her. She sighs. "Just stop it and be normal, for once." Me? Not normal? I'm always normal … or well, most of the time. I smile at her and she puts her hand on my thigh. "I just want to have a nice evening, okey?" I look over to Oliver and Amy who are eating peacefully. "Well that's really not in my hands, you two are the passive aggressive ones here." I say motioning to Oliver. She looks over to them quickly and then back at me. "Well, this is pretty hard, but I'm trying. And it's mostly him. I haven't done anything, but he's like possessive over Amy. I don't know." I turn to Amy and Oliver, putting my hand on Karma's which is still on my thigh. "So Amy, I heard you've been travelling Europe. Tell me about it, it's a dream of mine to do that." Amy looks up from her food, the moment I lift my glass. There is this look again, that look I can't read. She swallows and blinks a few times. "Yeah, it's been amazing. I've seen so many places, been to museums and stuff. I read a lot of classic literature for the countries. And oh my god, let me tell you, the music in Ireland and Scotland is amazing. Like what they can do with bagpipes is just … wow." She rambles a bit, but I can see happiness in her eyes. Hmm, there is still one thing I want to know. "So why Europe, and why for so long?" She gasps and looks at Oliver. Okey like seriously what the fuck is going on between them. "Well, since I studied English literature I've always wanted to go to the British islands and I don't know, I felt like staying there so I travelled through Europe, there is really nothing special to it." I squeeze Karma's hand lightly. "You'll have to tell me all about it another time, yeah? Especially the landscapes. As a photographer I'm highly interested in the sights." She smiles and nods. "That would be my pleasure." I smile back at her and look at Oliver. For the split of a second he frowns at me but then he wears the warmest smile. This bastard is massively jealous, why has nobody told me that? He's possessive, he's always nice to everybody, I bet they don't even fight when they're alone. Ugh I hate people like that, but if Amy's into that, fine.

We finish the meal and head back to the hotel. I'm quite happy that we do. That was too much input for a day for me. When we arrive at the hotel, Amy even gets out of the car to hug both of us. Normally I'm totally the hugger, but right now, I just feel like being alone. Even Oliver gets out of the car to shake our hands politely. Still, something's fishy with this guy, or he's just too perfect for my taste. And he's definitely too nerdy for my taste, but whatever. After they drive off, we head inside. "Hey, I think I'm going to sleep in my room tonight." I say while pressing the button for the elevator. Karma pouts at me. "But why? I don't want to sleep in that bed alone." Oh, neither do I, but still, I need to be alone right now. "I'm so used to having you around me the whole time, and now you're sick of me?" She plays the grumpy child, crossing her arms and stomping on the ground. That makes me chuckle and I hug her. In the tight embrace I say "Yeah, but I have to get some work done for my internship, I know I have the week off, but I'm behind with some stuff and I don't want to keep you from sleeping." She pulls away. "Well, normally you're the one who wants to stay with me the whole time, so I'm not going to complain today. Just, be careful, and when you get too scared, you know where my room is." I smile at her. "Vice versa, my love." we arrive at our rooms and before I can enter she grabs my arm. "When you're not sleeping in my bed tonight, holding me, so I sleep well. Can I get at least a good night kiss?" I sigh, why does she always wants those kisses? She's always the one asking for good-luck-kisses, good-bye-kisses and good-night-kisses. I kiss her softly, but quick. "Good night, darling." She says and enters her room winking at me. I smile foolishly at her closed door and enter my own. I lie down on the bed, fully clothed and everything and let the day pass before my inner eye. I always wander back to last night. But I really don't wanna think about it. But what really wakes my interest is Amy's behaviour around alcohol, I just want to know the backstory, and I have no clue how to get that. Ah, fuck it. I decide to change into my pyjamas and lie down in my bed again. I let my mind wander, it goes back to the trips me and Karma had during college. Maybe we'll travel to Europe together … one day … My mind drifts off and I finally fall asleep.

I wake up and turn around. I slept on the complete right side of the bed, but as I turn around, I see that the sheets are untidy, just like someone slept on the left side, too. I touch the sheets and they're still warm, well warmer than the places where no one was lying. I frown a bit. Was Karma in my room last night? Why did she leave? I look at the watch. It's 11 o'clock. Pretty late for me to wake up, I'm usually a morning person. Especially when I sleep alone. But well, I haven't been alone in my bed I guess. I sigh and get up. I'm not really hungry, so I hop under the shower right away. Normally I eat before I do anything else. The shower was everything I needed. I feel fresh and awake and ready to start the day. I decide to look after Karma. I walk to her door and knock. No answer. I try again. No answer. I frown, I can hear music coming from her room, sounds like sad music. I try to open the door, and to my surprise … oh, who am I kidding, Karma never locks her door. I enter and a wall of music welcomes me. It's pretty loud, but I recognize the song instantly.

_I will love you till the end of time  
>I would wait a million years<br>Promise you'll remember that you're mine  
>Baby can you see through the tears?<em> 

Why this song? She only listens to Lana del Rey when she's massively sad. The music is so loud that the lyrics capture my thoughts

_Big dreams, gangsta  
>Said you had to leave to start your life over<br>I was like, "No please, stay here  
>We don't need no money, we could make it all work"<em>

I find her lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I feel like she's been lying here for hours, listening to Lana del Rey.

_You went out every night  
>And baby that's alright<br>I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side_

This song gets on my nerves, it makes me depressed, I walk over to the stereo where her iPod is plugged in and shut it off. Right before I do that, I see that the song was playing on repeat. "What the fuck are you doing, Karma?" She ignores me and kept staring at the ceiling. "Hello? Is everything alright? Can I help you? Karma?" Still no reaction. "Fine, listen to your fucking music, but could you please put on your good mood music?" Like I said before, she listens to Lana when she's sad, angry, or in deep self-pity. But she listens to The All American Rejects when she wants to be happy. Karma stands up, without saying a word, goes to the stereo and puts on a different song. Oh great, yeah, put on a sad song from your favourite band, that's gonna solve the problem. She put on the song I for You and lies back down. I turn down the music and look at her for a moment. And when I hear the line_ Nobody's gonna do like I for you_ I shut it off again. She turns her head and glares at me. "What's the problem, Karma?" I ask gently. She sighs and sits up. Still not speaking, but at least I have a reaction. She looks at me for a few moments before she finally decides to speak. "Seeing her makes me over-emotional, and I have no clue why. I don't want to feel that way." She has tears in her eyes. I can't see her cry, it always makes my heart melt. I sit down beside her and put my arm around her comforting. "Is that why you snook in my room and out before I noticed?" She looks at me with big eyes. "How do you know that I was there?" I smile and pushed her lightly. "Because you left evidence." I wink at her. She lays her head on my shoulder. "When does is stop hurting?" I pull her a bit closer. "I don't know." And I really don't know, how could I tell her when I ask that myself every day?

"How about this one?" I groan, I really don't want to be here anymore. "It's fine Liam, all your paintings and sculptures are fine, can I go now?" He dragged me here and I couldn't care less. I wanna go home. I pout at him. "No, please you can't go just yet. Tonight is the opening and I'm freaking out, what if nobody comes?" I roll my eyes. "People will come, and why do I have to stay here? I need to get work done! My publisher is on the line! And if I have to attend tonight, I have to get changed." He comes over gets down on his knee infront of me and takes my hand. "Please don't leave now, I will freak out if you will." I sigh, "Fine, but don't rush me tonight, or I'll be super pissed." He jumps up with a big smile on my face. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I grab it and open the new message that just came in.

_I look forward to tonight. I hope his art is really as good as he says, I only saw sketches. And I just wanted to ask if I should pick you up tonight? Or are you going with the artist?_

_Love you, Oliver._

"Who is it? Something important?" Liam asks while doing finishing touches on one of his sculptures. It's a big metal bird out of food cans. It's weird, but somehow still artistic, I think it represents a hummingbird in oversize, but I'm not so sure. "It's just Oliver, he wants tonight is worth his appearance and if he should pick me up." He looks up from his weirdo bird with big eyes. "I thought you wanted to go there with me." In high school I never thought Liam would be such a cry baby, or a drama queen. I had to learn that the hard way and it's still weird to process. It's somehow like Karma said back then. "He's and artist which means deep down he's wounded." And how wounded he is. "Yeah, that's what I'm telling him right now, could you please calm down?" I hit the reply button.

_Trust me, if you won't come, he's gonna be so mad at you and you don't want to deal with the princess and the pea in mad mode. And because our princess is freaking out, I have to go there with him, but I'll see you there ;)_

_:* Amy_

I don't know why we always put our names underneath a text, it's not like our phones don't have caller ID. But we did that in the beginning and it somehow stuck with us. I wander through the room. Tonight is Liam's vernissage and since his parents decided not to pay for him anymore, he really needs the money. I hope this goes well for him, if it doesn't that means that Oliver has to help us out financially, and I really wouldn't like that. Especially since he was so weird yesterday evening. During the dinner, he was rather quiet and really possessive. But whatever. I really should talk to Karma again, but since I can't leave here I can't ask her if she's free … Wait, I have an idea. I pull out my phone again and starts to propose a message.

_Hey Karma,  
>I wanted to ask you something. Tonight is Liam's vernissage and every person that shows up counts, so I was wondering if you two wanted to come.<em>

_xo Amy_

I stood in front of a painting. This painting was mainly red and the strokes look like waves. In the middle of the picture are two green dots, or more ovals. I have no clue what that is, but it sure looks interesting. I pull out my phone and see that Karma replied.

_Liam's vernissage? Are you sure he would like it if we attend? He's not really my biggest fan and who can blame him?_

_Like I said, every person counts, so please just come, it would make me happy at least. And I kinda have to talk to you, so pretty please?_

_Send me the details and I think about it._

I smile at my phone and send her the link to the event. "Who are you texting?" Liam is so nosey. "None of your business, you have other things to do, like letting me go so I can work?" He sighs and walks over. "fine, you can go. I'll be home in about an hour and keep you company." He hugs me good bye. "Please don't I hate being around you when you're nervous." I say winking at him.

On the way home I walk pass my favourite café … why not write here? I mean I always have my laptop with me so I could definitely write there. I enter and sit down at my usual table after ordering a big cup of coffee. I start to write immediately and fall completely in the zone.

"Amy is that you?" I shoot up, that voice sounds familiar. I shake my head and I'm finally back in the normal world. Paula stands in front of me and smiles bright, "didn't expect to see you here." It takes me a few seconds to fully get her words. "Oh yeah, neither did I expect you. Please, feel free to sit down and join me. She sits down next to me and looks at my laptop. "So that's where you write all your stuff?" I shut it down quickly, surprising her and myself by the action. "Yeah, but I don't really like when people see my unfinished work. "Oh, I see." She nods. We look at each other for a moment. She wears a loose fitting t-shirt, with the sentence "I'm a lot cooler on the internet" written on it. I have to chuckle about that. She wears a hat today, and not as much make up as usual, or what I can call usual. "Pretty funny, huh?" She looks at her own t-shirt. "Yeah, it is. So I guess you're a blogger or something?" She looks back up, and puts her elbows on the table. "Yeah, actually. I'm one of these lame people who still blog about celebrity gossip and politic news. My blog is pretty popular and a great exercise, since I want to be a journalist." Yeah, I remember Karma telling me something about that. "So I heard there's this vernissage tonight, why should we go there?" She already knows? Wow, Karma tells her everything ASAP. "Well, it's from my best friend and .." She cuts me off. "I know who Liam is, that's why I'm asking." "Oh … Okey … Actually, I just wanted to see Karma again and she likes art, so why not?" She leans her head on her hands and looks at me suspicious. "Well, okey then. We'll be there." I knit my eyebrows and look at her. "Really? You alone get to make that decision? Without Karma?" She lets out half a snort, half a laugh. "Oh, she really wants to go there, it was me who wasn't so convinced. I don't like stuff like that. I always had to go there because of my internships at various magazines who also cover art." Wait what? Karma wanted to got and Paula not? Okey then … "What changed your opinion then?" She leans back in her seat and looks at her coffee. "I don't know actually, maybe it's the curiosity about Liam, I've never met him and I kinda want to." I nod. She stands up and smiles at me. "So, I guess I'll see you tonight. I think I have to go shopping now, because neither Karma nor I have something to wear for an occasion like that." I stand up, too. "Well, I might have something for you guys, you can join me now and take a look yourself if you like." Her eyes widen and she opens her mouth like she wants to say something, but shuts it again. "It's really no big deal, just come with me. I have clothes that my mother gave me, that would fit Karma, and I think I have something that you would like, too." She looks down on me and up again with a raised eyebrow. "What do I have to lose? I still have time, Karma is rather busy at the label, but I'll text her that we're going tonight."

"Great, so let's roll."


	14. Chapter 14

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I slowly nodded while the blonde hovers over me, biting her lip. She leans down and the next thin I know is that our lips collide. I feel the sensation run through my whole body and shivers run down my spine. When her mouth leaves mine to send trails down my jawline, I feel myself gasping. While her mouth explores my neck, I find my hands tucking at the hem of her shirt. I pull it upwards and she leaves my neck, just to pull her shirt off completely and then returns to her previous actions. I pull her body close to mine, but something feels wrong, and I figure she thinks the same as she pulls up my shirt. I lift my body to give her permission to undress me, which she does, slowly and teasingly. Her mouth finds mine again and she presses her body onto mine. I let out a small moan as I feel the heat of her skin on my skin. She smiles into the kiss and her hands start to make their way down my body and unbutton my pants. My breath hitches when I feel her pulling down my pants plus my panties all at once, while breaking the kiss. She sits up, heavy breathing and watches me for a moment in complete awe. "What?" I ask, slightly out of breath. "Nothing, I guess I just forgot how beautiful you really are." I feel a smile forming on my lips and I pull her on top of me, again. Before our lips connect again, I whisper "Trust me, I could never forget how sexy you look in just your underwear." My voice came out way huskier than I thought. Our lips connect again this kiss is breathtaking. I feel my nails digging in her neck, what makes her moan a bit. She starts to kiss down my neck and makes her way down to my breasts. She opens my bra and pulls it away from me. While she tosses it away with one hand, the other hand softly cups one of my breasts and she starts to massage it. Her mouth found the other breast and she starts sucking on it. I let out a moan, a slightly louder one and she takes that as a hint that she should go down under and her hands leaves my breast to give attention to something else on my body. Before I can feel her hand on my private parts I hear a voice. "Goodness gracious, Paula! Can you not!" My eyes are now wide open, my hands are holding onto my bedsheets, I'm heavy breathing, sweating and … alone. I close my eyes again, swallow hard and take a deep breath. It was all just a fucking dream. The third fucking dream about Amy since we came back from California. "What? It's not my fault she slept in?! Can't I even wake her up?" "No, not today, I heard her from her room, trust me, you don't want to go in there." This sentence is followed by a loud laugh from Paula. "What?! That's amazing, now I really want to go in there." I open my eyes again and sit up straight. I run my hand through my hair and try to calm down from my dream. A second later Paula stands in my room, with a slightly disappointed expression on her face. "What a bummer, I thought you were masturbating." I shoot her a look of hatred and start to get out of the bed. "Why the freaking hell are you here so goddamn early?" I throw a pillow at her what hits her right in the face, absolutely to my amusement. She starts to giggle and throws the pillow back, she misses me, but I don't think she intended to hit me in the face with it. "Well sleepyhead, we had plans for this beautiful morning, remember? You asked me to pick you up for brunch. Here I am, ready and hungry, and there you are, sleepy and … well … you know." She bursts out laughing again. I sigh and get up. "I need to shower first-" "-to wash off the shame of you wet dream?" She interrupts me with a serious expression. "No, just because of personal hygiene and stuff? Ever heard of that?" She smiles at me as I pass her on my way to the bathroom. "Yeah, I have, should I join you in the shower, so you don't do anything weird in there?" She winks at me. She can't be serious about that, is she? No, never. "You wish." I answer with a raised eyebrow and shut the door in her face.

This cold shower is everything I needed, why do I always dream about Amy, and why always like this? Why can't I dream about her in a way I might experience it one day? I talked to her everyday in the week I've been home now and it's like the last decade never happened, we talk to each other like we always did, the jokes, the trust, we tell each other everything again. Well almost everything, I obviously don't tell her about my dreams. I haven't told anybody, but Shane asked me about it the other day, because I might have been a bit louder than he thought I could be. And well, Paula knows now, too … at least somehow.

After I got ready to go, I drive us to our favorite little café on the outskirts of town. We get the same as always, the "couple plate" that normally only new couples get, because it's oh so romantic. We get it, because it's our favorite food and we're a bit cheap when it comes to buying food. "So, I was wondering," Paula starts while digging in the eggs. "You told me that Amy always swears and that she always had a pretty vulgar vocabulary, right?" I look up to her from my plate, a questioning look on my face. "Yeah, so?" She looks at me with a frown on her face. "Well, how come she's with someone who hates swearing?" I shake my head slightly and try to figure out where that came from. "Erm, I don't know? I didn't even know Oliver dislikes swearing." Her eyes widen a bit, "You didn't? Well, he told me in his office. We talked about language and stuff and he says it sounds illiterate when people use vulgar expressions." I turn my back to my food and continue eating. "I heard that people who swear a lot are way more sincere and honest whit other people." I say nonchalant. Paula looks up in the air for a moment and then looks down at her plate again. "Kinda true, yeah. I mean, we're pretty sincere, aren't we?" I look at her with a grin on her face. "Are you telling me I'm vulgar?" She throws her hands up in defense. "What? No! I would never say that!" I start to giggle. "Take a chill pill, honey, I know you didn't say that." She sighs and pouts at me. We eat for a moment in silence, before she starts to speak again. "You know, I thought it was so interesting. I didn't hear her swear the whole time we were there, only at Liam's art thingy, she was so pissed then and started to yell and everything, remember?" As if I could forget that. She had a full on melt down, because Liam refused to let her talk to me, it was rather interesting to see that. Well, the whole vernissage was kinda … how should I put it? … Eventful. "He probably forbids her to say bad words." I draw quotation marks in the air while saying "bad words" and Paula can't help it and lets out a laugh. "Yeah, probably, but you can't encage the raging beast." She says with a wink. The raging beast, that's a pretty unusual thing to call Amy, but it somehow works after we saw that. We sit there in silence again and eat our food. I start to think that something's odd today. Usually the silence between us is the comforting and not the awkward kind. Today is the day where it turned awkward. Paula must've sensed it, because she starts to talk again. "Hey so, when are you gonna move to LA again? I mean it must be rather soon, right?" It's not like I completely forgot that the label wants me to move to LA and everything, but I don't like to think about it. Leaving Paula and Shane behind makes me more than sad. And living in the same city as Oliver makes me kinda aggressive. Something is so off with this guy and I still can't put a finger on what it is. I realize that she's staring at me. "What? I totally forgot your question, I'm so sorry." She frowns a bit, but repeats her question. "I asked when you're leaving to LA for good." I shake my head slightly and smile at her. I know that she's scared to be without me, but this beats everything. "I'm not going for good, I would never leave you here. And we also talked about how you could become the best journalist ever, by writing about me in LA." I wink at her. She looks at her food and smiles foolishly. God, this girl can be so cute, I wonder why she has nobody in her life, in romantic terms. "Can you now answer my question, please?" She still smiles at her food. "Oh yeah, sorry. I'm going to move in two weeks, and these weeks will be perfect with you." The smile on her face vanishes and she looks at me. "How? How are they going to be perfect? I have so much work to do at the pub and at the paper and everything." She must be really concerned about this. "First, I have lots of gigs in the pub and second, I have nothing better to do than sitting next to you at the counter while you work." I take her hand over the table. "Look, I will try to make these weeks the perfect weeks you'll ever know. Just trust me for once." She looks at our hands with a sincere look of sadness. "It's just that I will miss you, I'll miss seeing you like every day, and I'll miss talking to you. We did this for so long now, I don't know if I can survive without you. You have Amy there and I have nobody here." I can see tears forming in her eyes and I squeeze her hand lightly. "Hey, look at me," She looks up from our hands, and the first tear escapes her eyes. "This is us you're talking about. You're my best friend in the whole wide world. You're the best person I have in my life. Not even Amy can replace you, you know that. And you have Shane here, and Lauren. I know, Lauren dislikes me, but she likes you. You have your fashion stuff you guys can talk about." I realize that I start to ramble and just stop talking. "Oh I know that Amy will replace me one day, or the other." Paula mumbles under her breath, probably not for me to hear, so I pretend that I didn't I really didn't want to start a fight right now. Not since we're going to spend the whole day together. This is the first time since we came back, because she had so much work to do at the paper.

I lie on my bed and toss a tennis ball against the wall repeatedly. In the background are the soft tunes by Janet Devlin. I kinda listen to When we were Young on repeat, no particular reason whatsoever, I just feel like it. I do this for an hour now, or at least it feels like an hour, I probably wasted way less time than that when Liam bursts in my room. "I'm fine with your excessive music, I told you before, but you're hammering this ball against the wall that faces my room for over two hours now, so could you please stop?! Some people are trying to concentrate and get stuff done!" I stick my middle finger in his direction without saying a word. Seriously? I've been lying here for two hours? What time is it now? And why am I so impatient? I don't even know what I'm waiting for. "Seriously Raudenfeld, if I hear this ball one more time I'm gonna throw you out of this window." He tries to stay calm. I still don't look at him and just shrug. "Pass me the ball." I frown. "Pass it over, or I come and take it myself." I slowly turn my head in his direction. "What the fuck, Liam? Get your hussy ass out of my room, I don't feel like talking." Liam sighs and rolls his eyes. "Seriously? Since Karma was here, your swearing got ridiculous. And you know who's gonna hate that? Your fiancé, might wanna think about him for a second." I throw the ball at him. "Here you have your ball that you so desperately need, now fuck off, wanker!" He catches it and walks out of the room, he's almost completely gone when he turns his head over the shoulder and looks at me. "I told you that she's bad news, I told you not to start talking to her again. Why don't you listen to me at least once?" I stare at the ceiling again. "Bite me, Liam." He sighs and closes the door.

Karma is seriously not the problem. The problem is that I'm overwhelmed with everything in my life and I have no clue what to do. I mean seriously, all I want to do is sitting in my room 24/7 and not talk to anybody. I lift my head and look at my laptop. Why have I such a problem to write at the moment, normally the stories just get to me one after the other, but for three days straight I haven't written a single word. I'm fucked, completely fucked.

I decide to just lie there for a while longer and soon my head is filled with the lyrics of the song again.

_The monsters that were once under my bed  
>Now you you can only find them in my head<br>And all our fears of make-believe were never there  
>When we were young, oh, when we were young <em>

I think back to the time I slept over at Karma's and she had this nightmare. She dreamed that someone was chasing her and the only way out was to jump off a cliff. I told her that if she'd hold my hand, she would never fall. She held my hand for the rest of the night, even while she slept and she did that every night afterwards, too. She even told me that she had problems sleeping without me next to her.

_Never felt so old in my whole life  
>Still so young but I'm longing for the child inside<br>I wish I could to turn back time  
>To when we were young, oh, when we were young <em>

I discovered Janet when I was in Ireland. I even went to a concert of hers. It was amazing and she reminded me so much of Karma. She shouldn't have, because when she's on stage, her body language still shows that she's insecure and shy. And that she has no idea what the people in the audience think about her voice, her songs and well, her music. She basically represents what Karma is inside. And that's what I love so much about her music.

_Don't wanna be running, don't wanna be hiding  
>Don't wanna think about the morning<br>Wish I could be higher than I once was_

Lying here I also remember when Karma told me a secret about her. A secret that really scared me, but I was so glad that she shared it with me. She told me, that her real fear of heights is not that she might fall, or yes, somehow it is that fear, too. But somehow the bigger fear about this whole thing is that Karma is afraid she might jump. You know, this typical feeling when you're walking next to someone on a bridge and your head has the nerve to think 'I could throw you off this bridge, so easily'. This is a weird thing to think, but so many people think it in fact. And her mind goes even a step further. She doesn't think about killing herself, she loves life as it is way too much for that. She really is a happy personality.

The theme song from Pretty Little Liars takes me away from the fairies and back to reality. I now realize what I missed the whole day so far. Karma hasn't called me, yet. I look at my phone and caller-ID tells me, that it really is Karma who calls me. A sudden smile forms on my mouth and I pick up the phone.

"Hey, buttface." I can almost feel her smile through the phone.

"Well hello my beautiful lady, how's the day so far?"

"It's fine, as always and yours?"

I hear her sigh on the other end of the line, but she doesn't say anything.

"What?"

"You're a bad lyer, you should train more … or not, but what's wrong?"

I frown. "Nothing, really … I just have a writer block and I'm back to my old habit of swearing and everything is weird, I don't know."

She lets out a small laugh. "Why are you laughing at that?"

"Well, I was just talking with Paula about your language and I think it's quite funny that you swear again. I like it when you give people attitude, that's one of your best traits."

I can't help but smirk into the phone. This girl always knows how to make me smile.

"As for the writers block, it always helped you to read or to watch a TV-show … I bet you haven't watched PLL in a long time now."

My eyes widen, how does she know all of that?

"You're right, I really should do that. Thank you so much. But now to you, how's your day?"


	15. Chapter 15

There was a long pause after my offer. And I'm really scared. I stop breathing, afraid to miss any reaction by the beautiful brunette sitting next to me. I don't know how I got to this point to ask her out, but since I haven't dated in years, I thought why not try it? And I mean we're kinda perfect for each other. "Where does this come from?" Her voice brings me back to reality and I take a deep breath before looking at her. She stares at me with an intense glare and I can't help but to stare back, because her eyes are gorgeous. They're golden and bright like the sun. "I … I don't really know … But I kinda feel this connection between us … it's fine when you don't feel it, I just figured since we're always holding hands and kissing each other and everything … why not … try the next step?" She turns away to look at her beer. I can see her struggling to make a decision. "Seriously, if you don't want to, just ignore what I said." She keeps silent for another few minutes before sighing deeply. "I don't know, I really don't. This might be the biggest mistake we'll ever make. Don't get me wrong, I'd die to go on a date with you, but what about our friendship?" I shake my head in confusion. "What about our friendship?" She lifts her head to look at me again. "You're my best friend in the whole world, I don't want to lose that because of a weird date." She bites her lip and I can feel my lips curling up to a small smile. "How about, we look how it is with this date? I mean, what could go wrong? When it's weird and awkward, we just stop and go back to being friends. I think we might me mature enough to figure this out." She lets out a small laugh, a rather sarcastic one. "Mature? Us? Who planted that idea in your little head?" I shove her shoulder with my hand and I can finally see a sincere smile on her face. She looks to the floor for a moment and then meets my eyes. "You know what? Let me sleep a night and when I went for my run in the morning I'll hit you up if I think the idea is fine, okey?" She takes my hand and squeezes it before standing up and cleaning the rest of the bar. "If you say so … But that means, that I won't be able to sleep tonight, you get that, right?" She turns around while placing a chair on a table. "Well, I guess, since you have a fear of rejection. But don't think of it like rejection, because you know I love you. I love you more than anything else in this entire world. So it doesn't matter what I'll say tomorrow you can be happy about it." She turns around to continue working and adds without looking at me. "And I think you already know what I'm gonna say to the whole date thing." I smile, not looking at her, because she's right. She's a journalist and wants to experience everything. She wants to know everything and how everything could be and might happen. She'll definitely say yes and that kinda makes me happy … or does it? I don't know anything anymore … Everything changes since this one quick meet in the grocery store. I'm back to my old self and need distraction. I stand up and look at her. "Hey, I'm gonna head home. You'll find your way, right?" She doesn't turn around while working her broom in one corner of the room. "Yeah, alright. I'll text you tomorrow then. Sleep well." I don't ask for a good-night-kiss, because I know she won't do it. So I quietly leave the pub and try not to look back at her. Was this whole thing a good idea?

When I enter my apartment I toss my keys into the next corner and the voices coming from the couch make me jump. "Jesus, guys, can you stop doing that?" I still didn't look who was actually there. "What? Existing? Breathing? Keeping you from hurting my sister again?" Oh gosh, what the hell does Lauren here? "No, I actually meant scaring the shit out of me whenever I arrive at MY home. Shane? Kitchen, now." He rolls his eyes and gets up from Pablo's embrace. They're watching some kind of movie, I don't even want to know which one. "What is it?" He doesn't seem happy that I pulled him away from his lover and the third wheel with teeth. "What the fuck is Cruella de Vil doing here?" I point over to here in a way to make sure she sees it. "I have friends, you know? And sometimes friends invite friends over. I know I should've told you, but you're never around lately. I never get to talk to you anymore, so I spend more time with Lauren and especially with Pablo." I look to the ground. He's right. Ever since I've met Amy again, I kept my distance to Shane. Maybe it is because he never told me what she did to him, or maybe … No, it's probably just that. If he really knew how much contact I have to her, he'll tell me to cut it off, because I'll regret it eventually. It's pretty weird that he gets along with Lauren that well, since Amy and her are really close. "Yeah, I'm sorry about that. How about lunch tomorrow? My treat?" He looks at me with a sympathetic look that slowly curls up into a smile. "You know what? That sounds amazing." He goes in for a hug. "Can I go back to watching the movie now?" I pull away letting out a small chuckle. "Yeah, fine. Do that. I'll be in my room, trying to sleep. I think I have a lot to tell you tomorrow." I wink at him, kiss his cheek and wander to my room. I steal a short glance at Lauren who's glaring at me with hatred. I wonder what she knows about me and Amy. Or does she just genuinely hate me without any reason? I close the door and let myself fall on the bed. For some reason I'm oddly tired. Normally it takes me a while to get to this state, but I think my mind is just done with everything. The last weeks were just too much for me, I need a time out. The date with Paula would fit in perfectly with this plan. I just can't keep my eyes open right now.

I wake up from the buzzing at my phone. I have a new message. I click to read it.

_Pick me up at 7. Surprise me._

I look at the watch on my phone and start to frown.

_It's fucking 6am. Did you finish your run already? Is everything fine?_

The response comes almost instantly.

_Yeah, I'm fine, I just couldn't sleep. I didn't mean to wake you up._

_I know you, you don't sound okey. What's wrong?_

_Nothing, really. I'm just conscious about everything that might happen tonight. And that makes me kinda scared. _

_Everything will be great, trust me. We'll have an amazing time._

_I do. _

I put my phone away and sigh deep. I know that I can't sleep now anymore. Great timing for not being able to sleep, Paula, really. But her lack of sleep might have been my fault. Whatever. I shake the thoughts off by literary shaking me like a wet dog and stand up straight. I do a cleaning motion on my body, like cleaning off dust. Somehow this really does make me feel better, as if at least some weight hast lifted. I take deep breath and go outside to make myself some coffee. "Good morning, sunshine. Rise and shine." Shane sits at the table, with a croissant and a bagel. He reads the paper and sips from his coffee without looking at me. "Awake at this time? Haven't seen that in years. Everything alright?" I slowly nod and go to the kitchen. "Don't bother, I already made some coffee for the both of us. I somehow had a feeling that it wouldn't be cold when you wake up. Call me psychic or whatever, but I'm the boss." I'm really not in the mood for his jokes, it's way too early to be so active and even to talk. I grab a cup and sit down next to him. He points at the bagel. "This one is yours by the way. With cream cheese and salmon, just how you like it for breakfast. Am I the best or what?" He still hasn't looked at me, but I'm thankful for the food. He really is the best, but I'm not able to open my mouth because I'm clearly not a morning person. I pour myself some coffee and rapidly take a sip. I feel the energy spread in my body. I know that the caffeine takes about twenty minutes to have an effect, but I kept telling myself that for me it works faster. And my body believes this ridiculous lie. "Yeah, you're the best," I finally say before I grab the bagel and walk back to my room. I still have to figure out what to do tonight.

I'm at our typical lunch restaurant, at our typical table when he finally arrives. "I know you don't have a lot of time, so I ordered for us already." He smirks and sits down in his fancy suit he has to wear to work. "Well yeah, I like my women bossy." I stick my tongue out in his direction and he starts laughing. "How old are you? Ten?" I frown playfully and lean my head on my hands that are supported by my elbows on the table. "I might be. But whatever. So how's your life?" It feels really weird to ask your roommate how his life is, but he was right, we barely talk. "There is actually something mayor about my life right now." I lean my head slightly sideways to indicate confusion. "Spill it." He starts to smile bright and leans forward a bit. "Well, Lauren and I might have our own collection in fall, but don't tell anyone just yet. Nothing is set in stone, but it looks really good." I lean back with an open, but smiling mouth. "Oh my god, Shane! That's huge! I'm so proud of you!" He sighs and looks at me. "Well, isn't it odd how we all make it right now? Lauren and I get our own clothing line, you have a record deal, I know that Liam had his vernissage-" "You talk to Liam again?" I cut him off. This would be weird, considering he told me he wants nothing to do with him anymore. "Yeah, actually. Since you've been in LA he called me, because he was concerned about... _her._" The way he emphasizes on the last word makes me shiver. "What is actually your deal with Amy? You never told me what she did." He looks at his plate as the waiter arrives with our orders. "But yeah, we've been talking ever since. It's kinda nice to talk to him again." Did he just ignore my question? How dare him. "Shane, stop that. Please tell me what happened, I'm sick and tired of this." I sighs and looks back up at me. "She should tell you, not me. She should tell you everything she did after the wedding. I'm not the one to tell you. And I won't start to talk bad things about her, she was one of my best friends back then." I raise an eyebrow and lean forward a bit. "She was your best friend, Shane. Just like Liam, she was you best fucking friend and you know it, so what could she have possibly done to make you hate her?" I clenches his fists, I hit a nerve but right now I didn't care. "Please … Can we please not talk about it? I've had a pretty good day so far and I don't want it to be ruined. Please." I throw my hands up in defense. "Fine, I won't be the person to ruin your day." I pause for a second and start to smile. "Tell me more about this clothing line." His lips form a small smirk. "Possible clothing line." He corrects me and starts to ramble about all the possibilities and the outfits. I lean back and take in all the information. He really is the best, and one day I'll find out, why he hates the love of my life.

I'm on my way to a meeting when I hear my phone ringing. I look at the screen, Lauren? She hasn't called in days. "Yeah? What's up?" I head outside, cause I'm already late, but it's my sister calling, so I should pick up. "Okey, you have to sit down for this one." I frown a bit. "Well, that's not going to happen, I'm outside, walking." There's a small pause. "So then don't sit, what do I care, but I really have to tell you something." I get to a stop at a traffic light. "So then tell me." She tries to make a dramatic pause, but fails and squiels in the phone instead. "I'm getting my own clothing line with Shane!" Her voice is almost to loud and high that I can't understand a word and I have to put the phone away from my ear, getting weird glances from the people around me. "Woah, Lauren, that's amazing! That's what you've always wanted, how does it feel?" "It feels amazing, even though back in high school I never thought I would be happy to have a line with Shane, but whatever." Shane. That name makes my heart ache. I hurt him pretty hard back then and I still think about calling him, and telling him that I've changed, that I'm better now. But I hardly believe that it would change a thing. Lauren blabs about the outfits they put together at the moment and when she finally stops rambling I can't help but ask, "So how's Shane doing at the moment?" There's a long pause. "Lauren?" I hear her breathe. "Do you really want to talk about him? Is that okey?" I roll my eyes and I'm glad that she can't see me. "Yes, it's fine. Why wouldn't it be? I mean I can handle talking to Karma-" I hear her scoff in the other end. "What was that?" I feel my heartbeat raising and my blood starts to boil. "Nothing, I just have to see her more often than I want to." Lauren says. I'm getting more and more aggressive. "You know what? We really shouldn't be talking about her," she continues and I take a deep breath. "Yeah, you're right. But we can talk about Shane if you're willing to." I hear her swallow. "If you want to. But there's nothing much to say, he has the clothing line with me, he still dates Pablo and the two of them are pretty happy together, and he still lives with Karma. One thing is odd, though. He told Pablo the other day, that he's sad that they don't talk very much lately, she's always busy on the phone, or being out with Paula." I clench my fists at the thought that she spends every free second with Paula. I should be happy, because Paula is a good girl, but I know her feelings for Karma, what makes me furious. "Well what a bummer for him," I say dryly. I didn't notice that I arrived at my destination, the office of my publisher. "Well, I have a meeting now, but I'll call you tonight, or something, yeah?" Lauren lets out a small laugh. "Yeah, fine. Whatever, don't die or anything. Bye" And with that she hangs up.

After the meeting I decide not to go home just yet. I grab my phone and start to text Karma

_Hey, wanna talk tonight? I need someone to speak to, and you've always been my first choice. _

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I kinda start to get bad again, and I really don't want it. Talking to Karma made it better in the last weeks, but I don't know for how long. I don't have to wait long to get an answer

_I'm sorry, I'm pretty busy tonight. Hope you're okey._

Yeah, well I hope so, too. But I wouldn't count on it. I walk through the street and get to a fuel station. I could go in and grab a … no, I won't … I'm strong, I don't want that. I pull out my phone again and dial the first number that comes to my mind. "Hey … Wanna meet up? … I'll be in the park in ten … k, see you then." I hang up and walk toward the park. When I arrive I walk straight up to the bench were I have to wait for another ten minutes until I finally feel someone sitting down next to me. "So what's up?" I look to my side where's now a blonde girl with blue eyes looking at me. "Hey … I don't know really. But thanks for coming, Sal." Sally is a girl I met in England. She was there for the same reason as me, and when I heard that she lives in Hollywood we stayed in contact. "I just wanted to talk to someone who could make me feel better." She sits straight up and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "you're thinking about it, aren't you?" I nod slowly. And she keeps staring at me. "Tell me what happened in the last weeks, tell me everything." So I tell her. I tell her about meeting Karma again, about kissing her twice, about not telling Oliver, about fighting with Oliver, or well not fighting, but discussing with Oliver, discussing with Liam, having Lauren on my back, telling me not to talk to Karma, about Paula and that I still haven't decided if I genuinely like, or dislike her and about Karma moving to LA. I talk for solid ten minutes and Sally just looks at me, listening to every word I say. After I finish she takes some time to think about what I just told her. "You know what?" I shrug and motion her to continue. "Fuck them. Fuck them all. They all define you by what you did, and who you were and they define you by your sickness. Screw them, seriously. You're fine, you're incredibly strong, and if they can't see that, they're fucking cunts." Sally always had a pretty vulgar vocabulary, which is why I like her so much. I start to smile, but that smile quickly fades when I remember something. "Yeah, well … but Karma doesn't know about all this. She has no clue what I did. She is the only one who keeps telling me that everything is great, because she doesn't know." She looks away from me and says into the distance. "Do you want her to know?" That's a really good question. On the one side it would make things pretty clear and I could explain to her, why Oliver means so much to me. On the other hand it would make her feel guilty, because it all started in that particular night. I would make her feel miserable and that's nothing I want her to feel. I don't know how she would react, and to be honest, I'm kinda scared to find out. So … do I want her to know? "You're thinking pretty long about that. Let me ask another question. If she said, she wants a relationship with you and … purely hypothetical … you would leave Oliver for her, would you tell her then?" It doesn't even take me a second to answer that. "Yeah, of course." She looks at me with a small smile. "And why?" That question throws me off a bit, but I still answer it. "Well, I like to have my relationships based on honesty. And that was a pretty big part of my life, so I have to tell her." Her smile grows bigger what confuses me a bit. "There you have your answer. You should tell her. I'm not saying right away, but when the time is right." I bury my face in my hands to think and she's right. Karma deserves to know, but I don't know how she'll handle it. I feel a hand on my back and look at Sally. "We should figure out how to tell her." She says with a wink. "Why are you helping me so much, when you have issues yourself?" She just shrugs and keeps smiling at me. "Well, I have a big heart and you have a place in this heart. I want you to be happy, because this way, I'm kinda happy. I'm a happy helper if you'd like to say. So let's get this shit done, alright?" I bump her shoulder and we start to discuss when, where and how I should tell Karma about this last decade.


	16. Chapter 16

I pace up and down in my room, trying to clear my head. This is a good idea, right? I mean, this is all I ever wanted. On the other hand, she might just use me to get over Amy, or she's just fucking desperate. I don't know, if I really should go through with it. I told her to pick me up at seven. I look at my watch, 5.45pm .. I'm dying. I have over an hour to get ready. I don't even know what to wear. I told her to surprise me. I don't think she will, we'll probably just grab a bite and then go to the park or something. She's not the person to go big on such things. Or maybe she is, but not with me. I think when she would go out with her, she would do something amazing, maybe go to a reading, or I don't know. I can't shake off the feeling that I'm just a rebound. I think I should cancel. Or maybe not. I let myself fall face down on my bed and think about sophomore year in college. The first time she told me she might get over Amy one day, then she looked at me and said that we might have a chance then. Back then I was sure that she joked, obviously. But now? What if she was serious? What if she gets finally over Amy? Oh, who am I kidding? She'll never be over Amy. I'm such and idiot to think that. The more I think, the more I hear the song again, the song that has been stuck in my head since my run in the morning. The song that I identify with Karma.

_You call me up,  
>Its like a broken record<br>Saying that your heart hurts  
>Thought you never get over him getting over you, <em>

I try to concentrate. Please think about another song. Please. I can't bare this song right now. I run my hand through my hair as I sit up and take a deep breath. I can feel how tears slowly creep up to my eyes. No, please no. Why now? I should be happy that she asked me out, I should be happy that everything finally goes my way. I hear my phone buzz on the table next to me. I look at the display. Lauren? I frown, but pick up. "What a surprise, what's up?" "Hey, I was wondering, how about catching a movie tonight?" Lauren never wants to meet me alone, yeah, we get along well, but not that well. "I'm sorry, Karma's gonna pick me up in an hour." I hear her sigh. "Yeah? What are you guys doing tonight?" I pull a face, trying to think off something, but it has no sense to lie to her. "I don't know actually, I'm guessing grabbing a bite and watching a movie, but who knows." There is silence, I wonder if everything is okey with her. "Sounds like fun. I don't know what I could do tonight, Paula is on a date with Shane and I really need some company." I bite my lip, I shouldn't let her be alone tonight, but it's Karma, and it's a date. "I would invite you along, but that wouldn't be a good idea, you guys hate each other." She inhales sharply as if I offended her. "Yeah, no wonder I hate her. She ruined my sister's life." Okey, now I'm confused. Ruin her life? "I mean she broke her heart, but can you call that a ruined life?" I could feel the tension growing on the other line. "Oh, that's not the only thing she did. Amy is broken thanks to her, and she can't even see it. She should keep her distance." I roll my eyes. This again, Shane and Lauren always say that the girls should stay away from each other, but what happened back then with Amy? I know Karma's whole story, but Amy? That's a mystery. "Lauren, I actually should get ready for tonight." I feel a bit bad to ditch her tonight, but like I said, it's Karma. "Oh, okey, yeah. Bye then." can't stand when people feel bad. "You can call me when something is wrong, you know that, right?" "Yeah, I know." "Okay, bye then." I throw my phone in a corner, she didn't sound okay, but what am I supposed to do? Nothing is above a date with the Karma Ashcroft. I head to the shower, I really need to get ready.

It's exactly 7pm when she hits the doorbell. I run to the door, take a deep breath and open it. My eyes widen instantly and I have to swallow hard. She smiles at me in a summer dress that is the same shade as her eyes, her hair falls on her shoulders in curvy waves and god, she's just plain beautiful. "You look amazing." She says with a smirk on her eyes. I just wear a skirt with leggins and a crop top, I feel pretty underdressed, but it's Karma we're talking about, she loves her summer dresses. "Vice versa." is die only thing I can get out of my mouth and she winks at me what makes my knees a bit wobbly. She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. "So, where are we going?" She grabs my hand and leads me to her car. "You told me to surprise you and that's what I'm going to do." And there it is again, the signature wink. I melt inside, I still can't believe that I'm on a date with her. She even opens the door for me and I get into the car with a small smile. "Is everything fine? You look tense." She gets to the other side of the car and gets in. "No, everything is fine. It's just so … unbelievable. I never thought this would happen." She starts the car and we head to the city. I still think we're doing the typical date thing. "Never say never," she simply says and I shake my head with a little chuckle. "You didn't just say that." She grabs my hand in response. Something is different today, we always do that, but it feels weird today, I don't know.

_And you end up crying  
>And i end up lying,<br>Cause I'm just a sucker for anything that you do _

There it is again, the melody captures my thoughts and I'm overwhelmed by the song again. The song that keeps playing in my mind when I see her, the song that was the reason I said yes to the date, but also the reason that I'm full of doubt right now.

_I bite my tongue but i wanna scream out  
>You can be with me now<br>But i end up telling you what you wanna hear,  
>But your not ready and its so frustrating<br>He treats you so bad and I'm so good to you its not fair _

But she is with me right now. I let out a sigh of happiness. She looks over to be right before pulling over at a building. Wait, this isn't a restaurant. And not a movie theater. What are we doing? She gets out of the car and leans against the door. "Karma?" She looks at me with a smirk on her face. "What exactly are we doing here?" She turns around, looks at the building and looks back at me. "I thought we could do some culture. I know you love history." I get out of the car and stand there, in front of the big building I spend so much time in. It's the building of the Austin Newspaper. I frown at her. "What exactly are we doing here?" I repeat, because I don't get why this building is connected to history in Karma's mind. She begins to laugh and looks at me. "Chill out, look over there." She shrugs in the direction of a billboard sign that directs visitors to the entry to a … guide through the building? "I don't get it, I mean why are we here?" Karma grabs my hand intertwining our fingers and starts to walk towards the entry. "You'll see, little miss impatient." She drags me through the door and walks up to a person standing there. That guy looks like he's in charge and starts to smile at Karma when he sees her. Okay, now I'm seriously confused. This guy knows Karma? Has she planned the whole thing? Are we seriously doing a tour through this fucking building? I don't listen to what they're talking about, I'm still trying to figure out this whole thing. I was expecting dinner and a movie and no big outlay. Karma turns to me and snaps me out of my thoughts. "So, I wanted to do this with you for such a long time now, to say thank you for everything that you've done for me. So I thought that today would be the perfect opportunity. John over there," She points at the guy she was just chatting with, "knows a lot, and I mean a lot, about the history of news paper, especially in Austin. He's gonna show us around and tell us everything he knows." I just look at her and blink rapidly. I'm not able to move or to speak. Her face starts to fall and she looks concerned, even anxious. "Are you okay? I thought this would be a good idea." I run my hand through my hair and start to smile. "I didn't think you would put so much effort in this." She starts to grin and squeezes my hand. "I'd do anything for you. And I want you to have fun tonight."

_I know someday its gonna happen  
>And you'll finally forget the day you met him<br>Sometimes you're so close to preventing  
>I gotta get it through your head that you belong with me instead<em>

Finally the song in my head got to my favorite part when I lean over to kiss her cheek. "You're perfect, thank you." She blushes a bit and starts to walk. Maybe this whole date thing really was a good idea, I mean, she put effort in this whole thing. I must mean something to her. "I'm just gonna go to the restroom real quick, I don't want any accidents during the tour." She winks at me and disappears. I sigh, I can't help it but pull out a piece of paper and ask the guy for a pen. I scribble down something and put the piece back in my pocket. Hopefully I won't give it to her, but I don't know yet. When she comes back we can finally start the tour. I'm actually seriously stoked about this whole tour thing. I wonder what she thinks about it.

Even though I really hate this history stuff, I still like spending time here with Paula. Whenever he tells her something she didn't know her eyes are wide, like a puppy and when it's something she loves to hear, she squeals like a thirteen-year-old girl that has just met her favorite boyband. I can't help but find that utterly adorable. I smile the whole tour and try to keep up with everything the guide tells us, but I have no clue what he's talking about, my mind is captured by the brunette holding my hand. The way she freaks out when he shows her old papers from fifty years ago makes me swoon.

After everything is done she hugs me tight. "Thank you so freaking much. That's what is absolutely needed. You are the best, I love you." I gasped at the last words. It didn't sound like the I love yous we shared in the years we've been close. It sounded sincere and honest, bare almost. "I love you, too. But this is not the end of our date." She pulls away with a questioning look. I just shrug take her hand again and lead her to the car. During the drive she just looks at me with a small smile. "What is it?" I ask, looking at the street, trying to concentrate. "I don't know what it is, but you make me so unbelievable happy. No matter how this whole thing turns out, this was probably the best date I'll ever have." I chuckle and look at her. Her small smile disappeared and I look to the street again. "Well, the date didn't end yet, so it could still suck in the end." She just snorts and looks out of her window.

We finally get to the new restaurant that has opened about a week ago. I'm pretty sure that Paula didn't know it yet, because she is so stressed lately. All I want to do tonight, is be with her with her favorite food in her favorite place. She looks around a bit confused. I guessed right, she doesn't know of this place yet. She's been to Thailand when she was ten, and ever since then, that's her favorite cuisine. She told me that once in passing, so she might not even remember it. The restaurant looked like a typical Chinese restaurant and I turn to her when I stop right in front of it. "Wait for me, while I get our food, yeah?" She pouts a bit. "Why am I not allowed to go in? That's not fair, how do I know you get something that I like?" I smile at her and wink. "I just know what you like, trust me." And as always I get the response "I do."

I get the food and I take her to a park, a little park on the outskirts of town, I know that that's her favorite place in Austin. We went here so many times in College. I could tell that she instantly knew where we were going, because she actually dragged me along. We sat down on a bench, and she looked at me smiling bright. "I haven't been here in so long, and I really should've been!" She puts her arm around me and pulls me close. I think I did good with planning this date. "Did I surprise you?" I asked. "Depends on what you got me to eat." She says still smiling at me. Oh yeah, right. Food, I completely forgot about the food. I place a carton on her lap and look at her. I want to see her face when she sees it. She opens the take-out box and her mouth instantly opens slightly and her eyes grow big. She swallows before looking at me. "Are you serious?" I let out a chuckle and simply nod. "You got me fucking kaegn?" Suddenly there was a big smile on her face as she dug in. "Yes." She said with a full mouth. I jerk an eyebrow and look at her while eating my own food. "Yes, you surprised me. Thank you so much." And then she ate in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was this perfect silence between people who are just comfortable to be around each other. While we're eating we're watching the people passing us. That's also something we love to do together. Watching people and commenting on them. Every now and then we bump each others shoulder and motion to a person we find either attractive, or funny. Today, we only show each other the people we think are funny. I'm fully aware, that that's not the nicest thing to do, but it's still fun to do.

After I finish eating, I watch her as she struggles with the last pieces of her food. "You can leave that, you know?" She looked at me with a pained face. "But it's the best, and I don't want to waist any of it." I don't know why I do it, but I lean over and place a soft kiss on her cheek. She frowns a bit when I lean back again. "What was that for?" She asks putting another spoonfull in her mouth. "You're just too cute, I couldn't help it." I could feel the color of my face changing to a dark shape of red. She puts the food away and looks at me. "Tell me something." She simply says. I make a circle motion with my hand, signaling her to continue. "Why aren't you after her anymore?" My insides start to turn. Way to ruin the mood. I didn't want to think about her tonight, especially tonight. "Because I don't want to be with her." Lie. "I know she has a fiancé and I accepted her decision." Lie. "She is happier without me." Lie. "And I have to learn how to be happy without her. And I'm pretty happy when I'm with you." Truth. I felt awful lying to her, but what should I do? I'm on a date, I shouldn't tell my date that I'm not over Amy. That I still think that I'll be with her one day. I should be happy to have the most beautiful brunette sitting next to me. And I am. I really am happy and I want to try and make it work with her. We're gonna do it. She's gonna help me to get over Amy. I just know it. Paula shakes her head slowly with a smile on her face. I can't tell if it's because she's happy with my argumentation, or if she knows I'm lying. We keep sitting there for a while, talking about everything. At one point I snuggled closer to her and she put her arm around me. We cuddled like that for what felt like eternity before Paula suddenly got up. "Every date has an end, and I think we should call it a night." She smiles at me, holding her hand out for me to grab it, what I did while getting up. "Fine, if you're tired, we can go." I say in a playful voice and she just looks at me. "Yes, I'm tired, but I get tired easily at 1 in the fucking morning."

The ride home was full of singing and car-dancing. And when we're close to her apartment she looks at me again. "Can we drive to yours? I want to walk home from there. I need the alone time. Please?" I sigh, but change the road to drive to my place. She puts her hand on my thigh and slightly squeezes it as a thank you. I park my car and walk up to the entry of the building. Paula stands there awkwardly with her hands folding behind her back, looking at the ground. She looks really cute like that. "Thanks Karma, like seriously. I loved this date. You did an amazing job." She finally meet my eyes and I can see that she genuinely liked it. I really think we should try the next step. "Well, I have one last thing to do, to make it perfect," I say in a low voice before leaning in. Our lips almost touch when she breaks out in loud laughter. I open my eyes that I had closed halfway through and look at her with a big pout on my face. She takes a few deep breaths to calm down a bit and when the laughter is only a chuckle she begins to explain herself. "Look Karma, this is all I ever wanted. To be with you, to be with the most perfect person I've ever met. But let's be honest for a moment. I know that you lied to me before, you're not over Amy. And you probably never will be. And I'm fine with that, but let's stop pretending that this would work this way." She pauses for a moment. The chuckles died completely and she looks at me with a sincere smile on her face. "I love you, Karma. I love you the way you love Amy. And I'm okay with you not reciprocating the feeling. I really am, because all I want you to be is happy. And you're only happy when you're with Amy … Any by the way, I'm not a fan of long distance relationships, so that would also be a problem." She winks at me. I'm speechless. I run my hand through my hair and try to form my words. "Wait, you thought the date was perfect, but you don't want to be with me?" She snorts. "Oh, trust me, I want to be with you. I always want to be with you. But you don't want to be with me this way. I know you, you're not a very good liar. And I honestly love you for that." She takes my hand and looks me deep in the eye. "I want to be you best friend, the person who heals you when you're broke, the person you come to when your heart is crashed, the person you trust more than you trust yourself. That's who I want to be. That's enough for me, that's better than being in a relationship. Because a relationship with you would end at some point. Your heart belongs to Amy." I sigh deep and squeeze her hand. "Part of my heart belongs to you. You picked me up when I was on the ground, I could never be more thankful for that. You'll always be my best friend." She pulls me close for a tight hug. "That's all I want, that's seriously all I could ask for." She pulls away and holds me by my shoulders. "Do you want to come upstairs? We could watch Netflix." I give her a hopeful smile. "No thanks, I really want to be alone right now. Think about stuff, you know?" She places a small piece of paper in my hand and pecks me on the cheek before turning around. "I see you probably tomorrow." She says smiling at me. I wave at her. "Yeah, probably." I wait before I can't see her anymore before I enter the building.

The moment I enter the apartment I unfold the paper she gave me and read it. It's a songtext, I recognize the lyrics instantly.

_And when the phone call finally ends  
>You say ill call you tomorrow at 10<br>And I'm stuck in the friend zone again and again_

_I dedicate this song to you  
>The one who never sees the truth<br>That i can take away you hurt, Heartbreak girl  
>Hold you tight straight through to day light,<br>I'm right here when you gonna realize  
>That I'm your cure Heartbreak girl <em>

I smile at the lines. I never thought about it, but now I can see all the signs that she really loves me. She told me she doesn't mind. But is she telling me the truth? I turn on my phone. I shut it off right before I left the apartment, because I didn't want any distractions. I hate it when people look at their phones during dates. I can see that I got two messages. On from Shane, asking me how the date was going and one from … Amy.

_She walks in beauty, like the night  
>Of cloudless climes and starry skies;<br>And all that's best of dark and bright  
>Meet in her aspect of her eyes:<br>Thus mellow'd to that tender light  
>Which heaven to gaudy day denies.<br>-Byron_

_Made me think of you._

Could this day get more confusing? Is she telling me that she still loves me? Why is she sending me a text like that? Gosh, everything is so confusing.


	17. Chapter 17

I finally arrived at my new place. It's incredible that all my stuff fit in my 500 … well, almost all of it. Shane and Paula will visit me in a week or so and bring the rest of my stuff with them. It took me two days to get to LA, I mean without the stop in a motel on the way, it would've taken me twenty solid hours, and I can't drive that long. Who in the world could do that?

I arrive at my new apartment, the label searched it for me, so I didn't have to fly down here. They also said they gave me the essentials, let's see what these essentials are. They mailed me the key and I open the door. The building is nice and clean. It's not too far away from the label, but I guess it's not the most expensive apartment, or at least I hope it's not. When I step inside I can see a couch, pretty much in the center of the room, I look around. It is pretty empty. A few shelves are on the wall, but nothing mayor. I walk to the kitchen, it's a build in kitchen, so everything is already there. I make my way to the bedroom, they said it has two bedrooms, and I should use one of those rooms as my office, whatever. The bedroom is rather small, and there is a walk-in closet. I can't believe I have a walk-in closet, I always wanted one. I can't stop smiling, even thought the thought of living alone scares the shit out of me. Oh, that reminds me of something. I pull out my phone and dial Shane's number.

"hello?" He sounds like he has company, he has this certain way to talk when people are around him.

"Hey you, I just wanted to let you know that I arrived safely."

"Oh, that's amazing, how does the apartment look?" I walk back to the living area and twirl around.

"Empty so far, but I think I could do some amazing stuff with it, since I have no one to nag about my idea." I hear him grunt on the other line, he hates the stuff I want to put in my apartment.

"So what are the plans for the rest of the day?"

"I guess I'm going to get my stuff inside, I haven't looked at the whole apartment yet, but yeah. I have to go grocery shopping and I have to go to the drug store and shit. So I guess that will be pretty busy. What about you?"

"You know the day has only 24 hours, right? And it's 8pm, you should just get you stuff inside and then go to sleep, you need to rest some more. And I have actually plans with your lovely Paula later, we're gonna catch a movie together." I frown a bit and look at the watch on my phone … he's right, it is quite late, but I really have to do the shopping, so I'm gonna get my stuff up here and then do the shopping? That's probably the best.

"That sounds great, Shane! I'm happy that you two are doing stuff together, how come?" I start to walk down the stairs to get my stuff. I pull out my headphones and plug them in, so I can actually carry stuff around.

"Well, we both miss you already, I mean you've been gone for two days now. We're not used to the lack of Karma. And yeah, that's pretty much it." I take the first two boxes out of the car. Wow, they're pretty heavy, but I'm too lazy to go the way more often, so I try to take them upstairs.

"Aww, you guys are the cutest, I hope you have fun. Is Paula with you right now?" There is a small pause after my question.

"Yeah, she is actually, wait I'll get her." There are muffled voices and I'm kinda glad that they're arguing about stuff, I really don't care what about right now, because I can finally concentrate on the heavy weight that I'm carrying around.

"Hey, Karma, what's up?" I arrive at my door and put the boxes inside, I should've asked a neighbor for help or something, I'm tired already.

"Oh, you know, nothing much. Just carrying boxes around." As I make my way downstairs again, I meet a quite cute guy who greets me with a southern accent.

"Who was that?" Paula seems quite amused by the accent.

"I don't know, apparently my new neighbor?" Damn, I could've asked him, if he could help me. I'm such an idiot.

"Is he helping you with your stuff, or what?"

"No, I'm doing this shit on my own, but by the way, when are you coming to visit me?" I take the silence that follows my question to lift another two boxes, only two left, and walk up the stairs again. The guy from before sticks his head out of his apartment and raises an eyebrow. "Do you need a hand? I'm quite strong for a small guy." He smiles at me, I smile back and say "and I'm quite weak for a small girl, it would be amazing if you could help me with those." He takes one of the boxes and follows me to my apartment. "You don't seem weak, I mean those boxes are pretty heavy and you just carried two of them." I let out a small chuckle when Paula's voice snaps me out of the conversation.

"Not to bother you or something, but Shane and I will be there in .. what was it? … 2 or 3 weeks or something, but don't answer me now, he'll think your crazy. And because I think the way you guys flirt is mayor disgusting I'm gonna hang up now." And with that she really hangs up. I can't help it and laugh a bit. "Is everything alright?" We arrive at my door and I bring the boxes inside. "Oh yeah, sure. I just thought of something a friend said to me on the phone earlier. Erm, would it be outrageous to ask if you could help me with the last boxes, too?" He clears his throat and looks at me amused. He somehow reminds me bit of Paula with his body language. "Since I asked you if I could help you, no I don't think I mind helping you." He winks at me and walks downstairs to my car. Well, he is kinda cute. And I think he's trying to … oh no, he's just nice. Guys can be just nice without wanting anything else. I join him downstairs as he picks up the last two boxes. "Hey, I could help you with that." I said, grabbing my coats from the passenger seat, before I lock the car. "No, it's fine. Trust me, I can do that." "Yeah, I never doubted that, but I feel weird when you carry those two heavy boxes." I pick up my guitar that I placed next to the car and he walks up the stairs without saying anything.

When he places the boxes down in the living area, he stretches while looking at me. "So you play the guitar?" "Yeah, I'm a musician, actually. I moved here, because of work." He smiles big and walks to the door. "I see. That sounds great, but I have to run, to be honest. I have to do some work, but I'll see you around." I wave at him and smile. He's almost out the door, but stops again and turns to me. "I live in 26b, by the way. If you need anything, like a cup of sugar, or some eggs, just knock and I'll be your helper." Wow, he is genuinely nice. Long time that I met a guy like that. "Thanks so much, and thanks for helping. I hope you have a great evening." He waves and closes the door behind him.

I drive through the streets searching for the nearest grocery store and after driving for about half an hour, I finally find one. I wander through the story and try to think what I would need to survive at least the next few days. Thinking about it, the last two weeks were weird. I had to pack my things, while writing songs, while trying to pretend that everything isn't awkward between Paula and me. She confessed her love for me and somehow she ignores it. She absolutely ignores it. One time we talked about it again. She asked me to change nothing about our relationship, because like she said, the friendship is all she wants. We try our best and it's almost back to normal … but just almost. She avoided me these few weeks, and I don't know why. Normally we would see each other every day. But she canceled half the plans we made. Shane says it's because she doesn't want me to go. But then she could say so, right?

Suddenly I hit something, or well, somebody. I drove my shopping kart right into a blonde girl who lets fall all of the stuff she was carrying. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I was so in thoughts, I didn't see you there. Are you okay? Here let me help you." I lean down to pick up her stuff and when we both get up and I hand her her stuff, we both look into each others eyes. She has beautiful blue eyes, that are now widen in shock. "Did I hurt you? Are you alright?" Concern and worry rushes through my body, but the blonde quickly shakes her head. "Karma?" Wait, what? Now I'm the one with wide eyes and I think my mouth just fell open. How does she know my name? And why am I just thinking that? "How do you know my name?" The blonde starts to panic and looks around. After a few second she stops and takes a deep breath. "I'm a friend of Amy's. And I know you from pictures." I stumble a bit backwards. What a fucking coincidence. My first evening in LA and the second person I meet is a friend of Amy's. "I'm sorry, this must be so creepy for you." I shut my eyes and sigh. When I open them again I can see the concern on her face. "No no, it's alright. I just didn't think that I would meet people who know her. I mean this place is pretty big." "And Amy doesn't have a big amount of friends." The girl mumbles. The girl … I don't even know her name. "So, who exactly are you?" The blonde holds her hand out for me to shake it. "I'm Sally, but Amy calls me Sal. You can too if you want to." I shake her hand and force a small smile. I've never heard that name before. "So … Sally … How do you know Amy?" Sally starts to walk in a direction and I think I'm supposed to follow her. Which I do, and I have no clue why I do. "I met her in England. It was such a coincidence, she told me she wanted to move to LA when she gets back and I already lived here. We kind of bonded over that." She pauses for a second while grabbing a can of beans from one of the shelves. "And you pretty much need someone to bond with in such a place." That reminds me. Amy never told me why she went to Europe. Paula said that Shane knows why, but he doesn't want to talk about it. "What kind of place?" I mean I could check how much she'd tell me, right? "Erm, we were staying at a" She inhaled sharply as if she remembered something. "Hostel, a cheap little hostel. Amy said she just wanted to get away from home. And why not a different continent? We traveled around together and yeah, that's basically it." Did she just lie to me? Or am I mental? I bet she is mental. She seems kinda nuts to me. She turns around with an expression on her face that signals fear and panic. "I have to go now, it was nice meeting you though. But seriously, I have to jet." She almost runs away from me. Well, that was weird. But oh right, I haven't told Amy yet that I arrived here. I pull out my phone and text her immediately.

I feel my phone buzz and let go of Oliver's hand to look at it. He glares at me but says nothing, he hates it when I rather look at my phone than talk to him. And who can blame him?

Hey beautiful. I arrived in LA, my apartment is pretty dope! You should see it!

xo Karma

I can't help but smile at the message. I glance at Oliver, but he's occupied with his own thoughts and I hit the reply button.

So, you're saying "dope" with almost 26 … sophisticated ;) … I would love to see it, tell me when you're free.

xo Amy

I put my phone back and grab Oliver's hand. He keeps looking in the distance. "So, who's the one bringing such a huge smile on you face with a simple text?" I wasn't aware of the fact that I was still smiling and tried to keep it down a bit. "Well, that was Karma." I hear him sigh and I don't even dare to look at him. Karma is a taboo-subject in our relationship, it always was. But lately it got worse and I can't even mention her name without being yelled at. Since we're in public he's not gonna yell at me, which I find quite comforting. He lets go of my hand, though. "So how is she?" I can hear the disgust in his voice, but I ignore it. I try to keep enjoying the nightsky and the surroundings. "She's fine. She moved to LA today, and wants me to see her new apartment." My phone buzzes again and I pull it out, part to provoke Oliver, part to know when I'm gonna see Karma. "And as it seems I'm gonna see her tomorrow." He inhales sharply and looks at me. I refuse to look in his direction and keep on marching forward, my eyes fixed on the horizon. "You didn't tell me that." Here we go. "I told you that she moves to LA." My breathing increases and I try to bring it down again. "But you didn't tell me when." I can feel my heartbeat quicken to a pace that couldn't be healthy. "I forgot the exact date, and I don't know why I should tell you." I have to force the words to come out of my mouth. "Because we're engaged, we should tell each other everything. And it's something big when Karma comes to town." I feel my muscles clench as I force myself to keep walking. This is no time for a panic attack. "Karma moves here and that's none of your business. She's not your friend, you hate her." I start to blink rapidly, no please, why now? "Yes, I hate her. And you should hate her, too! You should be mad at her and not begging her back in you life! You should keep your distance!" His voice got louder with every sentence and it's so not helping. I can't calm down, and I try really hard to breathe. This is SO not the time for a panic attack. Why do I even have one? This makes no sense. "I'm sorry Amy, please calm down. Amy?" It gets dark before my eyes and I can feel that I hit the ground. I can't breathe. I try to move, but nothing happens, or at least I don't think it does. "Are you alright?" Oliver's voice comes from a distance and I search for his figure. Everything is dark. I try to move my arm and I suddenly feel his hand on mine. "Try to breathe steady. In … and out … and in … and out …" For some reason this calms me. I do as he says. In … and out … and in … and out … my muscles relax and I stop to blink. There's a blurry vision before my eyes and I try my best to adjust everything. Oliver runs his hand through my hair and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I can see clearly again and I try to move. I remember now why Oliver is in my life in the first place. He's always done that for me. Calming me down. His calm personality is everything to me. He helps me to my feet and holds me for a moment. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have yelled." I shake my head and smile at him "It wasn't that, I don't know. I don't think we should talk about Karma any time soon, okay?" He frowns and looks me deep in the eye. You could see that he's thinking about it. Finally he nods and I start to walk again, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly. I know he loves that, when I do it. But we head home now, I'm pretty weak and I can feel that I have a panic phase coming. I hate those things. I have to be so fucking careful with everything I do, or else I end up not being able to breathe, and that sucks ass.

When we arrive at home, Liam greets us with snacks. He decided that we could all watch a movie together. He also invited Sally, what I find very odd. He doesn't like her very much and I raise my eyebrow at him. "I just wanted to have your closest friends here, I don't know. It's not a special occasion or anything, but I thought you might like it." I looked at the watch. It was 10pm and Sally and Oliver had to work in the morning, but if they insist. Sal grabs me by the arm and drags me to my room. "Is everything alright?" I look at her with a questioning face. "Erm, I could ask you the same question, you dragged me in here." She looks around with a somewhat guity expression. "Okay, what have you done?" I love Sal, but I know her. She's a troublemaker because of her big mouth. She managed that we stayed longer in England than we needed, because she told the people there some stuff. "Nothing, really. I just … I met Karma earlier." I stumble back a bit. "You what? Where?" She just shrugs, still with this guilty expression. "An hour ago or so, in the grocery store. She seems quite nice." She tugs at her ear. She only tugs at her ear when she's lying. "So you don't think she's nice? Wait .. have you talked to her?" She scratched her head and shrugs again. "she ran into me with her kart and I couldn't stop me from saying that I know you. We were talking about .. Europe … And she kept asking me stuff." Oh great, so I'm gonna be questioned tomorrow, how nice. I roll my eyes at her. "What did you tell her?" A weak smile makes it way to her face and she swallows. "Nothing much, I just told her we've been there together and we traveled a bit. I told her that we bonded over LA and yeah … that's all." That's all? Why don't I believe her? I sigh, but say nothing else. "I just wanted you to know, not that you're surprised when she tells you or something." I make my way back to the others and Sal follows me with her head hanging low. "So what movie are we watching?" Liam smiles big at me and cheerfully says "Edward Scissorhands, your favorite." Oh gosh, yeah he's right, it's my favorite, and it's Tim Burton, who doesn't love Burton? But still, I would be up for a cheesy romcom, or chicflic and not for something deep and depressing. But I say nothing and just fake a smile, while sitting next to Oliver.

During the movie I think about the last few weeks. I remember when Karma told me she was out with Paula, like on a date. I was so shocked about it. I still know nothing about the whole thing, neither who asked who out, nor how the whole thing went, but it must've been terrible, considering that they're not together, right? I don't know. I shouldn't feel so fucking jealous when it comes to Karma, but she's mine and only mine. No one else deserves to be with her. Shane said it himself ten years ago. Before everything went downhill for me. I hate myself for doing those things to him, but I can't take it back, can I? Maybe I should call him one day. Or he'll sure visit Karma, right? And then I'll randomly walk into him and we can start a conversation. I can show him that I've changed. I just want him back into my life. But I don't know how. I really don't know. The next step is telling Karma what happened. And I have no clue how to do that. How come that she doesn't know anyway? She knew about my novels but not about Oliver, nor why I was in Europe. I bet she doesn't even know that I didn't graduate university. But that should be obvious when you look at the time I spent abroad. Man, I don't know. Life is hard. And I don't think I should tell her, when I'm in my panic phase. She knows those phases, because I had them ever since my dad left us. Just thinking about him and all the conversations I had about him with Karma makes my heart sink.

The rest of the movie consists of Oliver falling asleep, Liam not really watching, because he dislikes the movie, Sal watching with high anticipation, because she loves Burton, another thing we bonded over, and me running scenarios in my head how the conversation with Karma might go.

When the movie is over, Sal says goodbye and leave immediately. She has to get up really early and I still don't know why she even bothered to come in the first place. Liam stumbled in the kitchen to make himself a midnight snack and I wandered to my room, followed by Oliver. "Is it okay if I stay over?" I turn around to see him standing in the door frame, looking like a lost puppy and I start to smile. "Of course, buttface. I don't hear me say no. And to be honest, I'd love your company tonight." Like I said, his calm personality soothes me. We get ready for bed and lie down. It's so comforting lying in his arms. After a few moments I shift my body so that we're spooning now. That way I feel so damn protected, like nothing can hurt me. We fell asleep like this rather quickly.


	18. Chapter 18

I wake up to the sound of my phone and groan as I pick up. Whoever calls me right now better have a good reason. "So how does the guy look? I bet he's cute." I yawn and stretch as I sit up. "Good morning to you, too Paula." I hear her sigh on the other line. "Tell me, is he cute? Is he a good material? Have you talked to him a bit more? Tell me!" I let myself fall back and roll my eyes, why is she so fixated on this guy? "Well he is tall, brown hair, brown eyes, he has a nose ring, his style is rather hipster, but yeah. I'd say he's cute, but more your type than mine. And no I haven't talked to him, I moved in yesterday. Give me some time to adjust myself." I could practically hear her smile. "So you're not interested in him?" What is wrong with her? She's usually not as boy-obsessed like she is right now. "No, I'm not interested in him, he's cute, yeah, but not my type. Why doe you wanna know anyway?" She didn't even listen to half of what I'm saying, because she continues "Can you snap a picture of him? I would love to see what he looks like." I stand up and walk slowly out of my room. "I could, but that would be really creepy, don't you think? Or should I just walk up to him and say ´Sp hey, what's up? I know we met just yesterday, but my best friend wants to see a picture of you.` Because that wouldn't be creepy at all." She snorts as I walk to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. "Yeah, just like that, it would be amazing. Okay, I guess you're right and it would be creepy. But I just thought it would be amazing to have a little fling when I visit you and just imagine I would have a fling with your neighbor." Yeah, right that would be great. I feel my eyes roll but I don't dare to say anything. "What time is it anyway?" I think out loud. "Eh … 11:30am, why?" My eyes widen and I remember: I have half an hour until Amy is here, and she's always on time. Damn it, my place is a mess I really have to tidy and shit. O goddmanit. "Paula, I'm really sorry I have to got, but I'll call you tonight, I promise. And say hi to Shane for me." She sighs "Yeah, fine. Busy woman is busy, but don't you dare to ditch the phone date tonight, I want to know everything about your first real day in LA. Bye, love you." I smile at her last words. She hasn't said that to me since the date. This day starts off absolutely perfect. "Love you, too." I say and hang up.

I walk up to my living room with my cup of coffee and look around. I really have to tidy up before she comes. I go to one of the boxes marked with "Music stuff" and look through my CD collection. It's a good thing I unpacked some stuff yesterday evening. Stuff like my CD player and my book. I put my CDs on a shelf next to the player and search for a certain record, that usually lifts my mood and motivates me. Ah, there it is, I smile to myself. "When the World Comes Down" by The All American Rejects. Damn I love this album. I put it in the player and start to dance when the music starts. I run around my apartment dancing and singing while I unpack everything.

I'm done with the living room after fifteen minutes because I did so much yesterday. I worked very late and texted Amy my address late last night. I yawn and go back to my coffee. I finish the cup, maybe I should dust the room a bit, I mean it's not very clean, yet. I don't want to unpack the rest for the music room, yet. I walk up to the closet next to the kitchen to get a broom and start cleaning. I decide to listen to the first song of the album again.

_I never thought that I was so blind  
>I can finally see the truth, it's me for you<br>Tonight you can't imagine that I'm by your side  
>'Cause it's never gonna be the truth, too far for you<em>

I instantly start to sing along and use the broom as a microphone stand, jumping around the apartment.

_But can you hear me say?  
>Don't throw me away<br>And there's no way out  
>I gotta hold you somehow<em>

While I continue singing and jumping around I start to use the broom for actual cleaning. I try to do a good job, but I just love the song way too much.

_I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you  
>You wanna touch me too<br>Everyday, but all I have is time  
>Our love's the perfect crime<em>

That's the moment when I see a figure leaning at my door frame and I jump, I swear my heart stops and I fall backwards against my CD player. I hit the stop button and look at the figure again, trying to catch a breath with my hand on my heart. Amy just laughs and look at me. "Don't stop, that was adorable." She winks at me. I can finally breathe properly and stand up straight to glare at her. "Why didn't you knock?" She walks over to me with a huge smile on her face. "I did, but I guess you didn't hear it. And besides, I would hate myself if I had missed that performance." She stands right in front of me and reaches behind me while looking me straight in the eye. I swallow hard and look right back at her. She hits the play button and the song starts again. Her smile turns into a smirk and she pulls me to the middle of the room. She grabs my arms and puts them around her neck, then she puts her arms around my waist and pulls me close for a tight hug. "I've missed you." She says with a sigh. "Me too." is the only thing I manage to say, something seems off. She pulls away a little bit with a look of concern now. "But seriously, you should consider locking your door. LA is not Austin, here are lots of thieves and I want you to be save." In that moment I realize what's odd about her. "Your heartbeat is quicker than usual." She pulls away completely with a frown on her face. I grab her hand so that she doesn't go too far. "Do you have a phase? Is something wrong? I know you Amy, tell me, please." She looks down at our hands and intertwines our fingers with a small smile on her face. "No, everything is fine now that you're here." She looks up again and meets my eyes. "Are you sure?" My voice still shows a little sign of concern. She pulls me in a hug again. "Yes, actually. I had a phase, but it got better the moment I saw you dancing through your apartment. I've really missed you." We stay like that for a while.

Karma pulls away with a huge smile on her face. "I'm living in LA now." I look in her eyes, I can see the happiness not only in her smile but also in her eyes. "And that makes you happy because...?" I ask with a teasing grin on my face. I can already tell the answer, but I want to hear her say it. "Because I can be with you now, buttface. I'm finally reunited with the most important person in the world." She pulls away completely and walks to the kitchen. "I haven't eaten, yet. Do you want something, too? A coffee maybe?" I follow her looking around the apartment. It doesn't look like someone just moved here yesterday, it looks like somebody lives here for months now. "No thank you, I've had breakfast with Liam and I don't drink coffee." She peeks her head in my direction with a raised eyebrow. "What? Since when?" She's adorable when she's confused. Oh gosh, I really missed her. I somehow feel complete right now and if nothing bad ever happened. Like I didn't have the panic attack yesterday, or the discussion with Oliver earlier about how I ruin my progress with seeing Karma. "For a couple of years now. I live straight edge, you know?" She tilts her head slightly and scratches her head. "Straight edge? Isn't that this punk thing that people do in their late teens and early twenties? This vegan thing?" I chuckle at her comment and shake my head. "No no, well it is a punk thing, from the 80s to be exact. Straight edge people don't do any drugs at all. That said, I don't smoke nicotine, I don't drink alcohol, I don't take any sort of caffeine or any illegal drug. Simple: no drugs at all. The vegan thing is something rather different, a lot of straight edge people are vegan, but yeah, this is not mandatory. I am vegetarian however." Her look indicated that she is not fond of the idea that I'm a vegetarian since my bacon sweats are still my favorite item of clothing. But she turns around to her cupboard and takes out some juice. "Want this instead? I know it's not your favorite, but it's still something and I don't want you sitting there with nothing while I eat." I smile at her concern, she really tries to be a good host which is so adorable. Man, I wish I could be with her. All day, like all the time. 24/7. She is the most beautiful person I've seen in my life. Wait, what am I doing? I shouldn't think stuff like that. It's just so comforting to have her back by my side. "So juice?" Her voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I just nod. "Are you sure that everything's alright?" I nod again. "It's just … seeing you here in the city I now call my home … it's so weird for me, you know?" I try to form a proper sentence but it's not really working. Still she smiles and pours herself some cereal in a bowl.

We sit down at her table and she starts eating. I watch her for a while thinking about all the stuff we've been through and all the stuff I've been through. "You're staring, you know?" She doesn't look up from her bowl but I could still see her smile. "I know, am I not allowed to?" She finally looks up and meets my gaze. "I don't know if you're allowed to, is Oliver okay with it?" Her face is cold now and mine falls, too. Wow, that was harsh. "What?" She shakes her head and looks down again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I just have the feeling that he controls everything you do. Like who you meet with, where you are. Does he know where you are right now?" I frown, I don't get why this would be important right now. "Yes he does, but because I told him, because I was ecstatic to see you. Not because I have to tell him." I emphasize the have to give it more power and she sighs. Why is she like that right now? "It's not like he controls every step I take. It's just a habit that stuck from years ago when he still had to protect me, you know?" She looks up again. I can't read her face this time, but she definitely doesn't look pleased. "He had to protect you? From what Amy? What are you hiding from me? Did something happen that you went to Europe? What is going on with you?" I start to rub my arms, these questions are not something I wanted to discuss today. I wanted to discuss them, yes, but not today. "He had to protect me from myself, but can we please not talk about it right now? I will tell you, I promise. But just not now." She sighs, she finished her cereal and placed the bowl in the kitchen. I fiddle with my hands when she comes back. "Fine, let's do something different then, okay? What do you want to do?" I look at her TV and then back at her. I grab my bag and pull out cookie dough and boxes of frosting. "Shut up, you serious?" She says smiling at me. I nod while one side of my mouth curls up. "Yeah, I missed just us time, hate-watching horrible movies."

We sat down on the couch and started to watch twilight. We didn't do this for so long and I felt really comfortable sitting next to her in the couch, even with these questions she asked before. I don't know why, but they still get to me. And they probably will for a long time.

We laughed and cried about the stupid behavior of Bella and discuss how we wouldn't choose either of the boys, because they all act so immature. Karma comes closer to me with every sentence we speak until she's close enough for me to put my arm around her. She lays her head on my shoulder and puts her hand on my stomach. Never in my life have I been this comfortable. How does she do it? How does she make me so happy?

The moment I get home, it's quite late already, I ate dinner at Karma's, Oliver immediately cornered me. "So how are you feeling?" I put down my bag and frown at him questioning. "Good." I looks me up and down and crosses his arms. "You don't look good, are you sure you're alright?" Is everybody on the crazy train today? What the fuck is going on? "Yes, I'm sure. I had a great day and now you're here to ruin the evening?" He doesn't move and just stares at me. "I can see that something is bothering you, Amy. Just tell me what's going on." I sigh and move past him to the kitchen where Liam stands. "Right now all that bothers me is my fiance who doesn't leave me alone when I feel somewhat happy for the first time in years." Liam stops what he's doing and stares at me. Fuck, I shouldn't have said that. "This is exactly what I mean, Amy. You make yourself dependent from her again and soon you will fall again. Again in this deep black well where you can't get out of alone." He sounds hurt and who can blame him? I basically told him just now, that she means more to me than he does. For fucks sake, I always have to screw things up. "I'm not dependent from her, Oliver. I'm just glad I have her back in my life." Liam walks out of the apartment without saying a word. "You make yourself dependent right now and to be honest, I don't think it's healthy for you to see her anymore." Where does Liam go? Wait what did he just say? "The fuck, Oliver? Are you serious right now?" He rolls his eyes at me and walks back to the living room. I follow him out. "Could you stop swearing for a second? And yes I'm serious. She will bring you down eventually. If this happens I don't know if I have the strength to lift you up again." What is happening right now? I don't get it. Everything becomes a blur in front of me. "I think it's healthy for me to see her. I felt amazing today until you came along, maybe you're not good for me!" His mouth drops open and he just stares at me. "For god's sake Oliver, don't you believe in second chances?!" I feel the tears burning on my skin. It feels so wrong to fight with him. His face goes cold and he just looks at me. "I do Amy, trust me, I do." His voice got suddenly a lot calmer than it was before. "But I don't believe she fucking deserves one." We look at each other for a while and I can see the hatred he feels for her in his eyes. His body tenses and his chest raises and falls quickly. I just stare at him, unable to breathe with uncontrollable tears running down my face. "You know what Amy?" He finally breaks the silence when he realizes that I won't say anything. That I'm too freaked out right now. "I'm out of here. Do what the fuck you want." And with that he walks out.

I stay where I am, unable to move. I sob and stare at the place where Oliver stood just seconds ago. He swore. Two times. I haven't heard him swearing in four years. And those years ago he said something seriously bad about Karma. And now? He just left me. Did he leave me for good? Did he break up with me? What does it mean? Why is he doing this to me? Maybe I'm just the wrong person for him, maybe I have too much baggage to make him happy, like he made me happy the last years. I'm a mess.

"Just tell me, please! I won't leave here until you tell me what's going on!" I couldn't stay at home right now so I went to Liam's studio and to my luck, he just entered it. He turns around to me with a dark face. "Don't you get it, Karma? She's sick! And she recovered so well! And now that you're back in the picture, everything gets worse again." "Sick? How is she sick?! She seems perfectly fine to me!" He turns to his statue again, some kind of metal bird and he bends the wings with his bare hands. "That's something she should tell you. It's none of my business." His voice got calmer now. I have the feeling that I went to him in the wrong moment, he seems confused and upset with something. But I can't leave it like this right now, I need to know. "How come everybody tells me there is something wrong with her, but nobody tells me what? What the fuck is wrong, Liam?!" He keeps modeling his bird-thing. "Like I said, it's none of my business." I run my hand through my hair and let out a deep breath. "Please just tell me, I need to know. Please." He sighs and turns around to me, his expression gets softer again. "She will tell you eventually … when she's ready … just … don't push her, alright?" He walks over to his tools and pulls out some sort of hammer. "That's the thing, I don't think she will tell me." He turns to me and eyes me for a moment. "I wouldn't tell the person who made me sick, either." My mouth falls open as he turns to his statue again. I can feel the tears pressing against my eyes, trying to escape, but somehow I manage to hold them back. "The what? … You think I'm the reaso-" "I _know_ you're the reason, Karma!" he interrupts me and my face falls. He turns around with an expression of hate and disgust. "That's the thing, don't you get it?! Because you broke her, I don't want anything to do with you! How can you do something like that to a person and just leave her broken? How could you not notice your destruction?!" He took a moment to take a deep breath and looks at me while I can't hold back the tears anymore. "And now get out of here, I don't want to see you anymore." He turns to work on his statue and leaves me standing there with silent tears running down my face. I shake my head and leave to walk home.

I have no memory of how I got home, but I find myself in the bathroom, getting ready to shower. In the shower I try to shake off any other thoughts but then I realize: There are simply no thoughts left in my mind. My mind is blocked right now. Everything that Liam has said to me … Could it be true? I feel somewhat better after the shower and walk to my living room to turn on the TV. As always watching abcFamily frees my mind a bit more.

Suddenly there is a knock on my door, almost not audible and I was lucky to hear it. When I open the door I feel lips crashing into mine, and I can taste the alcohol on the lips of the blonde attacking me. It's not at all a loving kiss, it's a desperate kiss. A kiss that people usually regret in the morning. I push Amy away from me and hold her by her shoulders to look at her. "Amy are you alright?" That's when it hits me. Alcohol. She said she doesn't drink alcohol. She said it more often than once … could it be that she. Amy breaks down in front of me. Crying, sobbing, screaming and I quickly pull her in and shut the door. "Amy, what's wrong, Amy look at me." Her breaths get shorter and I think she's having a panic attack right now. I pull her in for a hug and run my hands soothing up and down her back. "Breathe with me Amy, in … and out … and in … and out ..." She follows my orders and soon she's back to her normal breathing. Thank god I did that in time, it's way harder to calm somebody drunk. "I've made a huge mistake, Karma. First I lost you and now I lost Oliver." She cries even herder in my shoulder now and grabs the sides of my sweater to cling on it. "You never lost me and I'm sure you didn't lose Oliver, either. "I lost the love of my life a decade ago and when the universe gave me a chance to make up for my stupid mistake of letting you go, I screw up again. I'm stupid, Karma, I'm so fucking stupid." She didn't even listen to me, it's like she's in trance. "Hey hey, no you didn't screw up. I'm sure whatever happened was just a fight and it will be fine in a few days." She pulls away from me, still sobbing and she looks me straight in the eyes when she says "No Karma. I'm just a huge fuck up. Nobody wants me, starting with my father. Then you didn't want me and now … Oliver doesn't want me either." Her sobs die down with every second and now there are just silent tears running down her face. "I don't know what happened today, but trust me. I'm always there for you, Amy. I love you and I want you." She leans in again, but I back off. "Don't … you will regret that in the morning, trust me. Come on, stand up. We're gonna clean you up right now and get you to bed. It's late and you need to sleep." With a bit of resistance she gets up and I help her go to the bathroom. "do you think you can shower yourself?" She looks at me and chuckles, leaning on my shoulder. "I can't even stand by myself. I don't think I'll be conscious in a second .. so … no" That doesn't sound good. I start to undress her and focus on my actions and not on my urge to kiss her hurt goodbye right now. She needs a friend. Amy laughs when she sits in the shower but naked. "You know, Oliver would be so jealous right now. This is the first time in months that somebody had me in a room, naked." I frown a bit and try to ignore her talking while letting cold water run down her body. She shivers but I know that it will sober her up at least a little bit. While the water runs I hurry to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. When I get back to the bathroom she stands. "So you got up by yourself, that's an improvement." I smile at her and she smiles back. A small smile, but still a smile. I lead her to my bedroom and give her some clean clothes. She struggles with getting them on, so I help her again. When she's dressed she throws her hands around my neck and pulls me close. "I love you, Karma, I really do. And I don't want you to leave my life ever again." I let her hug me for a moment but then pull away to give her another glass of water. "You need to hydrate, darling so drink up." She does as I say with a salute hand motion. When she's done she lays down on my bed. "Sing for me." I look at her confused. "Please sing for me like you always did when we were children. I love it when you do that." I slowly nod and leave the room to get my guitar. When I come back she sits up in the bed and looks at me with big eyes, full of expectations. I sit down on a chair in front of my bed and start to sing the one song that always makes me think of her.

"_Here's another pity  
>And there's another chance<br>Try to learn a lesson but you can't  
>If we can burn a city<br>In futures and in past  
>Without a change our lives will never last<br>'Cause we're going fast"_

She snuggles into the sheets, closing her eyes while listening to my tunes.

"_You can sit beside me when the world comes down  
>If it doesn't matter, then just turn around<br>We don't need our bags and we can just leave town  
>You can sit beside me when the world comes down"<em>

I can see her chest rising and falling to the beat and I can't help but smile at the sight of this beautiful creature in my bed.

"_What can we do better?  
>When will we know how?<br>A man says from a sidewalk to a crowd  
>If we can change the weather<br>If you wanted to yourself  
>But if you can't<br>I guess we all need help, yeah  
>I need help"<em>

I feel the tears running down my face, thinking about what I've done to her. That I made her ill with my behavior. Who does something like that? And why haven't I notice it?

"_You can sit beside me when the world comes down  
>If it doesn't matter, then just turn around<br>We don't need our bags and we can just leave town  
>You can sit beside me when the world comes down"<em>

Her breathing got heavy and steady now and I think that she fell asleep. I put down the guitar and start to walk out of the room. "Please," I turn around to see her looking at me. "Don't leave me alone tonight. Please stay, I beg you." I sigh, how could I ever say no to her? I walk over to the bed and lay down next to her wrapping my arms around her so that she is the little spoon. "Thank you." "For what?" "Existing."


	19. Chapter 19

I rub my eyes and stretch just before opening them. My head hurts like hell and my vision is still blurry. I don't remember much that happened yesterday and to be honest, I made the biggest mistake in my life. I look around, where am I? I don't know this place. I sit up and meet Karma's eyes. She sits in a chair in front of the bed, her arms crossed, her head slightly tilted and one eyebrow raised. In her hand she holds a cup of coffee and she just eyes me with a blank expression. I have no idea what happened, but I think now is the time that I come clean. "Good morning, can I tell you that your room looks amazing?" She sighs and her expression turns soft. "How did you sleep?" I look around the room some more. "I don't know to be honest, but I feel weird to wake up in your bed alone." She rolls her eyes and gets up. "I'm making breakfast, want something special?" I can feel that she's angry and confused, but what am I supposed to do? I don't even know what happened. "No, don't bother about me. I'm just gonna way out the hangover and try not to die." I turn around and see that there's a bloody mary on my nightstand. I ignore it, though. I can't put any more poison in my body than I already did. I stumble to the kitchen where Karma makes pancakes and I stand a few feet away from her. She turns around questioning. "Is something wrong?" I shake my head, and stop that immediately because this really hurts. "I could ask you the same question," I say rubbing my head. She returns to flipping the pancakes. "Well, it's nothing I haven't dealt with before. Paula is some kind of drinker, I don't drink that much, or well, I usually don't drink at all. Only on special occasions." I sit down on the counter and look to the ground. "And I thought you didn't drink either, but I guess you had your reasons yesterday." I say nothing.

When she's done with the pancakes she sets the table and sits down. She looks at me expectantly, because I still sit on her counter, not moving. I shake off my thoughts and sit down on the other side of the table and look at her as she starts to eat. I hold on to my cup of green tea she made me and just look at her. "Karms, I-" "You don't have to tell you if you don't want to, it's okay." She doesn't even look at me when she says it. "No you got that wrong, I have to tell you. You deserve to know." She sighs and puts her fork down. After a few seconds she finally meets my gaze, in her eyes you can see the hurt. "I got it, Amy. It took me long, but I finally got it. You're an alcoholic and it's all my fault, because it started in the night of the wedding, right?" Her words stung in my stomach, I fled her gaze and stared at my cup. "You drowned you pain in spirits, the pain that I caused." She paused a second to look down at her plate. "I know it hurts you more, to be that way, but it hurts as fuck to know I'm the reason." The moment I look up again I see that her eyes were puffy and red. "Have you slept last night?" She breathed out a small laughter and met my eyes again. "How could I? I had to make sure you're safe. I've let my duty to be there for you slide for a decade. I will never leave your side again. I'm going to make up for all my mistakes and-" "It's not your fault." I couldn't hear it anymore. Everyone blamed her for something, she was just the trigger for. The final piece of a puzzle that completed my miserable life. "What?" Her voice was full of hurt and confusion. "You're not the reason, trust me. There was so much more wrong in my life and you knew it. You helped me so much and then you were gone. I understood why you were gone, I've made a huge mistake. It was my fault you walked out of my life. And I hate it when people say you're the reason I'm broken. Because you're the reason why I'm still here for the most part." She just shook her head and opened her mouth, like she wants to say something, but closes it again. She looks down at her plate. "So .. you're still saying I played my part in it, so it is also my fault. You have the right to blame me, Amy. I did stuff wrong." "We all make mistakes. And I can't blame you for something I learned from my father." Thinking back I remember only a few things about my father, but one thing in particular: He was almost always drunk. He never abused anyone, or well, at least not that I know of. But he was always shouting and accusing my mother of something she didn't do. He always told me I'm stupid and I shouldn't be in school, because I'm not worth it. He left us when I was 7 and never looked back once. I should be happy that he's not with me anymore, but a little girl needs her father, right? "You deserve so much better, Amy." "That's why I'm with Oliver." She looks at me confused. "What has Oliver to do with that?" I smile, thinking back, Oliver really did a miracle dealing with me. But my smile vanishes when I think about what happened yesterday. "He picked me up from the ground. He picked up all the pieces, just like you used to do it." She pulls a face and looks to the side. "What is it?" She just shakes her head and sighs. "He did my job. He was there for you when I should have been there, you know? I'm just mad at myself for not seeing you suffer, because I was so focused on my broken heart." I take her hand over the table and squeeze it lightly. "In my heart I knew that you were there, that if I tried to talk to you, that you would've listened. I know you mean good and you always have the best intentions." I withdraw my hand again, what causes a small pout on Karma's face. She looks so cute when she's upset. "If you want to, I'd like to tell you the whole story, okay?" She shifts in her seat and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. She doesn't say anything, though. "I assume that's a yes then." I clear my throat and look at her ceiling to gather my strength.

"Like you said it all started in the night of the wedding. I don't know why I exactly reached to the booze, but I did and I can't change that now. It was the first time I was really drunk and I didn't feel the pain anymore. At some point not only the pain was gone, but there was a new feeling, the hunger for revenge and satisfaction. And yes I know, I'm a big fan of revenge anyway, but I was ruthless drunk. That was the main reason I slept with Liam. The sudden hunger overcame me and I hate myself for doing it. But I can't change it now." I took a second to see her reaction, but there was none. "But anyways, at least for a moment the pain was gone and I could enjoy stuff I did. I tried it at the next party, you were there, too. I was still friends with Shane back then. Do you remember this party?" She simply nods and signals me to continue. "Well I saw you there and it just killed me. It was right after you told me you never want to speak to me again, so I left you alone. Instead I killed the pain. I got so drunk that Lauren had to take me to the hospital. No one knows that, because I spent the evening drinking in Shane's room, alone. I passed out and Lauren found me, lying in my own vomit. I'm not proud of it, but I enjoyed the hours I didn't feel the pain. She told Shane not to tell anyone, because she knew I didn't want you to know.

So yeah, it started with excessive drinking, I guess. Shane and Lauren were really worried after that night and tried to monitor me on every party ever since. But as you might guess that didn't really work and I stopped going to their parties. I started to go to college parties, not telling anybody where I went. I got so wasted that I first just made out with just a bunch of people. I didn't care if it were guys or girls, for those were just distractions. I loved the feeling of being drunk, because I didn't feel miserable anymore. The pain was eating me up with every second I was sober. Lauren found out one night, I stumbled in her room instead of mine, incredibly drunk. I don't remember it anymore, but she sobered me up and got me into bed. The next day she confronted me about it."

"_What the fuck is wrong with you, Amy?! Why won't you talk to me?" I sat on my bed fumbling with my fingers. "I hurt, Lauren. That's all. The pain will go away eventually." She looked me straight in the eyes. "How many parties did you attend?" I looked back at her. "Erm why do you want to know?" she knitted her eyebrows and crossed her arms. "Because I'm worried you dumbass. Just tell me." I had to think for a second, I'm not sure I remember. "I think it were about ten or something, I don't know, only a few." She closed her eyes and sighed. "Even if I hate to ask, how many people did you sleep with?" Since I didn't remember every person I slept with, I could say the truth, what she wouldn't believe, or I could lie. "Five or so, really not so much." "This has to stop, Amy, promise me you won't go to those parties anymore." _

"Did you break that promise?" Karma's voice snaps me out of my memories. "Yeah, I did." She has this sympathetic shimmer in her eyes and I try to ignore it. I don't want her pity, I just want her to know everything. "How long did it take her to find out?" Thinking about it, it really took her quite some time. I mean it started in sophomore year and junior year almost had started when Lauren caught me. "I don't know, like three months maybe?" She looks at me for a while and sighs. "I think I will hate myself for asking, but with how many people did you actually sleep?" Thinking about it, it's like a math problem. So it were I guess three months? And every weekend two parties, sometimes even during the week, because it was also during summer break. Every month has four to five weekends, so counting with five weekends, because of the parties during the week, I went to thirty parties. That's way more than I told Lauren and it might have been even more, I'm impressed. I let my head fall when I remember that I slept almost every party with a different person and I even had threesomes a few times. I seriously don't remember much, but people told me stuff afterward. "So?" Karma looks at me expectant and I shrug. "I'm kinda still counting." She narrows her eyes at me and her mouth drops. Where was I? Oh right, so thirty parties, I slept with the same girl like five times, and with one guy twice. I hooked up with some one every party, and I had like 3 or 4 threesomes. Hoping I had only 3 threesomes, I remember I had one with the girl I already slept with. "Do threesomes count as one person." She gasps and her eyes widen even more. "What the fuck?! Amy are you even for real?!" "Well I guess that's a no then. If I did my math correctly, and I have no clue if I did, it could've been around 27 people maybe? Could be more could be less, I really don't remember much from that time." Karma runs both of her hands through her hair, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "Okay, moving on … what happened next?" You can see in her eyes that she really tries not to judge me, but I know it doesn't work. I never told that anybody and I know exactly why I didn't. She is the only one who deserves to know, she is the only one who might understand me. Besides Sal that is. "Well, after Lauren told Shane they never left my side for just a second, and it went quite well until senior year. All until senior year. I was still depressed and thought about doing stuff to myself, but Lauren monitored me 24/7 so I couldn't do it. That was something that really drove me crazy, because as you know, I need my space. But yeah it got worse with the time. I got more and more thoughts about how I messed up my whole life and one day Liam came up to me and started talking to me. He told me that if I needed someone he would be there for me. It was kinda supporting to know he was there, and he really was. The first time I cried after talking to you, confessing my love, was when I was with him. He comforted me and I just let everything out I kept in me for so long. He helped me a lot during this time. And then came graduation. You song during graduation. And the fact that I studied far away from everybody else. During that time I ruined my friendship with Shane and pissed off everybody around me, because I didn't want to burden them with the same old story of my broken heart. Then my mother came into the scene when she told me that she's disappointed I didn't get into any great university. I got into fucking NYU. To this day I still don't get her. When I left for university I broke off the contact with her. She still payed my bills and everything, that was kinda amazing. But yeah, thanks to that my depression got even worse and when I wasn't monitored anymore I started drinking again. I didn't go to parties, though. I stayed in my dorm room and drank my pain away alone. My roommate was never around, and when she was, some guy stayed over. They were loud so I drank even more that I could sleep at night." I breathe out a small laughter. "My roommate was nothing like Paula, there was no way I could tell her anything about you. I had nobody, because I never thought Liam would listen to that stuff again. He lived only one dorm away from me, but I avoided him a lot. My grades in university got worse with every exam, because I couldn't take the pressure I put on myself, and started to attend the classes drunk. The first thing I did in the morning was to drink a beer. It just helped me to calm down. But at one point that beer just wasn't enough, it had no effect on me at all. So I started drinking more wine. I wanted to blame everything on the taste. But the wine made me throw up a lot and I had more than huge hangovers in the morning.

At one point I just went on to straight up vodka. I drank it during the whole day until people only knew me drunk. They never noticed. At one point though, Liam started to notice and took me to LA for a weekend, where Oliver went to law school. We met him randomly on a tour through Hollywood. We had a lot of fun together and we kept contact throughout the time after I went back to New York. I fell for him and he told me he always had feelings for me and it never stopped. Finally I told him about my suffers and he was there for me and listened. I told him because he wanted to try a long-distance relationship and I really couldn't handle it back then, I still couldn't. But yeah, I told him and he was really good with handling it. He suggested going away for a while. I was furious that he thought like that, that going away would help me. We fought a lot in this time I suffered. He showed me nothing but love, and I crashed all his hopes, all the time. You have to remember, I couldn't even go an hour without a drink, so I was never myself and he still loved me. He believed in the good in me. Something that I didn't believe was still there.

At one point his suggestion to go away didn't sound that bad and I decided to get treatment after I almost ruined all my friendships with one fucking huge mistake. I came to the realization that I had a problem that I couldn't solve on my own and that I needed help. Oliver was there for me as always, he helped me so much finding a rehab in England, a good one by the way. He also payed for almost all the treatment. I told Shane right before I was gone how much he means to me and he just told me to never come back. So I dropped out of university and went to England and I actually thought about staying there for the rest of my life. I was in rehab for 8 months, not only for the addiction, but also for depression. I met Sal there, and she was one of the most supportive people I've ever met. She would hate me if she knew I told you, but she is the nicest person on this planet. She likes to act like a complete asshole all the time, but she's not. The treatment really helped me, but after it I didn't want to go back. I asked Sal to join me while I travel around Europe, since she didn't have a job here, and she agreed. So we traveled and helped each other to stay sober. And we succeeded. After three years in Europe we decided to go back. I joined her in LA and we lived with each other for a few months.

I decided to try a relationship with Oliver, since he really helped me and I really loved him. And it was the best decision of my life so far, I'm really happy with him and I try my best to make him happy, too. I heard that Liam wanted to live in LA, too, so I asked him how about we live together. He agreed and the rest of the story is history. I was sober for almost 6 years. Well, until yesterday." I stop talking and wait for her reaction. Now she knows everything there is to know. She just stands up and walks over to me. She stands there for a second and then grabs my handy, pulling me to my feet into a tight hug. "If I knew I would've been there for you." Her voice is shaky and I'm sure she's about to cry. I run my hands soothingly up and down her back and she pulls me even closer. "It's fine, you're here now. That's all I ever needed." She pulls back a bit and looks me directly in the eyes. "I love you, Amy. And I will never leave your side ever again." I feel a smile making it's way up to my lips. "I love you, too. And I will never let you walk away again." Before we both know what's happening our lips are connected. It feels just so right and I never want it to end. I missed her lips on mine, this warm feeling in my stomach, the pounding of my heart and the feeling of her smiling into the kiss. But she pulls away eventually. "But now I'm gonna get you home, I bet Liam is worried sick, since you didn't even bother to take you phone with you." I pout but oblige and she drives me to my place, her hand never leaving mine.

It was kinda rude just to send her away like that, but I needed to me alone right now. Paula texted me and I replied that I'd call her later. Now I'm sitting somewhere, where nobody would ever search for me. I sit on the roof of my apartment building and think about everything she just told me. As I sit there, staring at nothing, silent tears of guilt running down my face, I think of all the "What if"s I missed and how I could have saved her. "Mind if I join you?" I look up to see the guy from downstairs look down at me. "Sure, but just please don't talk." He sits down next to me and looks at the sky. "I'm Tom by the way." Now it hits me. We never introduced ourselves. How come I never asked for his name? I normally do that. "I'm Karma." He nudges my shoulder lightly. "What a beautiful name." I eye him to see if he's joking, but he seems genuine. "So Karma tell me what you're doing up here." I sigh and look straight forward again. "I came here to clear my mind actually, but it's not really working." He looks around for a moment and looks in the same direction as I do. "You know, sometimes talking clears your head quite well, and seeing that I'm the only person here, you can just tell me what's on your mind." I look at him, and he looks at me with a wink. "Not to be rude, but I rather not talk about my personal life with my neighbor I met two days ago." He breaths out a laughter and nods. "I get that, neither would I." I lay down to look at the sky and we sit there for what feels like forever, not talking at all, just looking at the sky.

After it got dark and cold I decided to go in again and Tom stayed on the roof. The moment I enter my apartment I decide to call Paula.

"Hello?"

"Paula? I feel weird, I need to talk to you." I could practically hear her frown on the other side.

"What's up darling? Are you alright?"

"Amy told me everything and I don't know if I can handle it." She sighs and says nothing for a moment.

"If you want to tell me then go on, I'm there for you, you know that." I nod and realize how stupid that is, because she can't see me anyway. I decide to tell her everything and I do. I tell her everything Amy told me and when I'm done I wait for her reaction.

"Wait, I have a question. What did Shane and her fight about?" Thinking about it, she didn't tell me. Maybe it was just too much for her. Maybe she tried to forget that they even fought, who knows.

"Well, I don't know. She didn't tell me."

We kept talking about a lot of stuff, like my encounter with Sally and everything that happened to me during the years. I told her about my theories how I could have saved her and she always told me that I shouldn't worry that much, because I can't change the past. Which is right, but I wish I could.

After the conversation and everything, I lie in my bed, not moving at all. I replay the whole story in my head again and wait a second … I sit up straight in my bed and run my hand through my hair. Something is odd about the story and I finally found the confusing piece. She said she _was_ in love with him .. like past tense … like not anymore … There could be an open door.


	20. Chapter 20

Karma called me again, half an hour after we ended our conversation. I talked to her almost the whole night until I fell asleep on the phone. I texted her when I got up that I'm so sorry and she answered that it was fine and that I shouldn't worry about it. I don't. I worry about something completely different. Why aren't Shane and Amy friends anymore? I mean sure, what happened to Amy was quite … well … heavy and stuff, but I was suspecting something, so it didn't come as a huge surprise. But the thing with Shane keeps bugging me. I'm so freaking curious, and I'm gonna ask him today. I call his number and he picks up almost immediately.

"Well good morning beautiful, how's life?" He sounds as cheerful as ever.

"Erm, hey. Quite good for this time of the day. Can we meet up? Like for lunch or something?" He talked to people in his office before he answers.

"Sure, I can make 1pm. That okay?" I check the time. 12Am, an hour. I could make that.

"Sure, shall I grab you from the office? We could get take-out and go for a walk?" He breathes out a light laughter.

"Sounds great, see ya then." And he hangs up.

So now I have an hour to form my question, cause I know they have to be right, or else he won't answer. If I'm too direct he will get offended and angry. I have to take my time to get to the point. Oh man, that will be a hard quest, but hopefully I will be successful … What the hell? I should play less video games. Since Karma is gone, I have nothing much to do. I spent all my time with her, I'm useless without her. And she's in the studio now for the first time, writing on her music, making her perfect future. I feel so pathetic. I should do more than my internships and not dwell in self-pity. I slam my head against my bathroom door. I should really get my shit together. I should go to fucking New York for the matter and be seriously successful. Why am I still sitting in freaking Austin?

I decide to take a shower to wash up the negative energy that surrounds me right now. Gosh I wish Karma's parents hadn't called me yesterday to see how I'm doing. They still wish I would be their daughter-in-law, doesn't matter how often Karma and I tell them that that would never happen. But they just love me, I don't know why. But yeah, they infected me with their hippie behavior and since then I watch my cycle and my horoscope and drink special teas in the favor of my mood. They influenced my life a lot and they want to see me again some time. I haven't seen then in half a year. I sigh and get out of the shower. My mind is still clouded with Karma, even though it's her parents I'm thinking about. Maybe I should meet with them, tell them that Karma might get together with Amy again. On the other hand it's kinda her job to do that. But she rarely talks to her parents ever since the "breakup" with Amy ten years ago. I go to my room and get ready for lunch.

I walk up to Shane's office and the moment I walk in, Lauren walks out. "Hey, you," She smiles at me. "How is everything? Life without Karma?" I snort and hug her. "Everything's great, how about you? And by the way, Karma isn't gone for good." She rolls her eyes playfully and nudges my shoulder. "What a bummer." I raise my eyebrow at her and shift a bit in my position. "You seem to be in a good moon, everything alright?" Her grin grows even bigger, "Oh I let Shane tell you the good news, I think he's on the phone with Karma right now, or at least he tries to be. She should go out some time again, last time was really fun. You, me, Shane and Pablo. What do you say?" Sounds a bit creepy but whatever. "Yeah, sure, why not. But please not again this place with the electric bull, it's so weird in their." She lets out a giggle, hugs me again and walks out the door. "Great, I'll talk to Shane about it." And she's gone.

I walk up to Shane's office and hear him talk on the phone. "It would be amazing if you call me back as soon as possible, I have amazing news! Love you!" Okay, so he didn't reach her. She must be really busy in the studio. Or she's with Amy, who knows. I knock and enter, "Hey ho, suit boy, are you ready?" I catch a glimpse of his sad expression, that brightens up as soon as he sees me. "Oh hey, hippie lady! I'm ready in a second." He walks up to me and kisses me on the cheek. His ritual to say hello to me, I think it's kinda cute and he hates it when I say that. He jumps back to his desk, scribbles something down on a post-it note and puts it on his monitor. "Just a small reminder, I have to remember something later." He speaks to himself, not to me. You can see that in his concentrated expression. He always looks a certain way when he's deep in thought. His expression kinda darkens and he looks like a sad puppy. He turns off his computer and locks his office. "So, where are we getting food?" I look in the air, thinking. "I don't know, let's just go somewhere and take the first take-out we find." He smiles at me and hooks his arm in mine. "Oh, how I missed your enthusiasm and your decisiveness." He nudges me lightly. Somehow people love to do that with me, I don't know why, I seem to be inviting for that. They always act like I'm oh so slow with thinking, it's annoying.

We decide to go to the park and walk around. "So how's your internship?" He asks when we get to the park. "I finished it last week, so right now I'm only working at the pub and do nothing else." When he eyes me like I'm crazy and I should do more useful stuff I add "But you know, I'm searching for the next internship and maybe I will finally get a real job there." He still eyes me. "Okay, why did you end the internship? I thought you loved it." I smile weakly at him and have to control myself not to say something stupid. "I loved it, yeah. But they ended the internship, they said they weren't the right paper for me. I don't know." He kicks a small stone in front of him and stares in the distance. "A few weeks ago they said that you were the perfect addition for their company." I purse my lips and look down to my feet. He's right, I wasn't myself the last 2 weeks. How could I be? My best friend is gone and I had to prepare myself for a life of boredom. "Okay, what's going on? You seem to be out of it. Don't tell me it's because of Karma." I just shrug and keep my eyes fixated on the ground. "Kinda, but whatever. I'm just not myself when she's not around. And now that she finally lives her dream, I have the feeling I'm useless." Okay, well this conversation doesn't go as planned, but who am I kidding? I didn't have time to plan in my sea of self-pity. "You have to live your life without her, she's doing the same." "Yeah, but she's getting close to Amy again, so she doesn't need me anymore." The moment I said it, I know I shouldn't have. Shane hates it when he knows that Karma might get hurt. And Amy is a good source for that. But that's kinda my chance to get some answers if I play my cards right. "She what? How close?" I sigh and have to hide a small smile on my face. This is gonna be easy. "Pretty close, maybe even as close as a couple." He stops and stares at me. "Tell me you're joking. Please, tell me. She doesn't know Amy anymore. She changed so much and Karma doesn't know the story." I turn to look at him with a sympathetic look on my face. "Amy told her everything. About the parties, the addiction, Europe. Everything." Shane clenched is hands and yaw and shuts his eyes for a second. "But she doesn't know what Amy did to me." He mumbled under his breath. "I bet Amy didn't have the guts to tell her." He looked at me again and I tilted my head slightly. "You wanna talk about it?" I almost had him. "Not really, no." He starts walking again. I don't say anything and walk right beside him. It takes only a few seconds. I know him, he will continue to talk. And I was right.

"You know? It's not that I hater her or anything, it's just that she did too much, you know? Only small things at the beginning, like trash my home when she was drunk at my place. I was okay with it, but when she was sober she never apologized for it, or helped me clean the place. She just sat there and watched me clean. That was her first strike. Her second strike was when she decided to go to the college parties, I guess Karma told you about it. I'm not really good with lies, so I was beyond mad at her when Lauren told me. She just played with my patience and I have a lot of that, as you know, but she pushed me in Karma's direction with everything she did. Then there were the texts. She started to insult me through texts. She said it was all my fault what happened to her and Karma. I told her to go for it and to try harder. So she said it was all my fault that they weren't friends anymore and it's not fair that I get closer to Karma by day. She was always drunk when she texted me and apologized the day after, but I was so done at that point that I just couldn't forgive her. And that wasn't the best that happened. We kept all that stuff from Karma, because I didn't want her to hate Amy, and to this day I wonder why I didn't tell her. It wouldn't have changed a thing." he sighs deep and looks at me. "brace yourself darling, what I tell you now is something I can never forgive her, I really can't. She crashed one of Pablo's get-togethers, small events we planned for his friends from his school. Sophisticated shit, you know? And she crashed it with some college guys she met at one of the parties. She remembered that we met always at the same time of the month, it was a regular thing. So she came there, was completely parked and trashed the whole place. And with trashed, I mean trashed. She broke everything in there with these guys, she even puked on the fucking expensive carpet and then suddenly left without a word. But the worst part of it was, that her college guys provoked a fight with Pablo's friends and even Pablo got hurt. He forgave her fairly quickly, said that she didn't mean it. She never apologized, though. So I'm still pretty mad at her for that. And she has to come up with a huge excuse to make up for everything. I'm done with her." His eyes turned a darker shade when he told the last part of the story and his expression made my neck hair rise. "Wow, that's really … something," I mutter, not sure what to say about it. His expression softens a bit and he smiles at me. "Yeah, it was, but it's the past now, right? So both of us don't need to worry about anything. And it doesn't matter anymore if Karma knows or not, I guess Europe really helped Amy and maybe she's not a homewrecker anymore. Who knows?" He bumps my shoulder and I smile at him. "Right, maybe Amy will make Karma happy, she deserves it … Hey, what were the big news you had, anyway?" His smile grows and he jumps a little. "Well, Lauren and I really get the collection. We have our own collection, Paula! Isn't that just amazing?" I stop and stare at him. "Shut up, are you serious?!" He nods and I pull him in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you! You did it!"

I run up and down my apartment. I'm more than excited. I have the biggest smile on my face and honestly? Today might be the best day of my life. The studio session was fucking amazing, when I got out I called Shane who told me his amazing news and my parents called that the might visit me in LA. How amazing is that? Amy texted me and asked if she could come over, of course I agreed, duh. But I wonder what she wants. Oh who cares?! I'm more than happy right now and I feel like hugging the whole world. Even Liam. I put on some music and since my iPod is on shuffle, one Direction blares through my apartment. I couldn't care less what music it is, as long as I can dance to it.

There was a small knock on the door and I tiptoed to the door, singing. When I open the door, Amy looks at me, smiling with a raised eyebrow. "I can hear your music from down the hall, aren't you afraid that your neighbors will call the cops?" I ignore her, continue singing and drag her inside. In this moment I realize what song was playing. It was little things and with the happiness I was feeling, came a boost of confidence. We're standing now in the middle of my small living room and I placed her arms around my waist and put my own around my neck, we swing to the music and I continue singing. She looks a bit startled, but smiles at me with the most loving expression I've seen in a decade. And here comes my favorite part

"_You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you_

_You'll never treat yourself right, darling but I want you to_

_If I let you know I'm here for you_

_Maybe you love yourself like I love you."_

She came closer with every line I sing and now our lips are just inches apart from each other, both of our eyes are closed and our foreheads are touching.

"_I've just let these little things slip out of my mouth_

_Cause it's you, it's you, yeah it's you they add up to,_

_And I'm in love with you, and all these little things"_

In exactly this moment she closes the distance between our lips. I remember the kiss from two nights ago and it was nothing compared to the love she puts into this kiss. Shivers run down my spine as she pulls me closer into the kiss and I tug at her hair lightly that I make her gasp. It's not a sexual kiss at all, no, it's rather sensual and it feels like eternity. I never want to lose the contact to her lips, it makes me feel like home. I run one of my hands to her cheek and cup it to deepen the kiss even more. She runs her tongue along my bottom lip and in the next moment our tongues collide. Oh how much I missed this feeling of her lips on mine. But she pulls away and I pout on the loss of contact. She cups my cheek and smiles and me lovingly. She brushes her nose against mine and I whisper. "Hey." She breathes out a light laughter and closes her eyes for another second. "Hi, what a nice way to welcome me to your apartment." I chuckle and bite my lip. "Only for you." I wink at her and she sighs. My face almost turns to a frown when she says. "I love you, Karma. Always have and always will. What would I do without you in my life?" She backs away a bit and sits down on my sofa. I join her, now there is a frown on my face. "You don't seem happy about it." I say, with a bit more disappointment in my voice than I intended. She smiles at me weakly and shakes her head. "No no, you got that wrong. It's just that I was thinking about a lot lately and yesterday, after I told you everything, I had the whole night to think. And when I think about it, I have to say that I don't reciprocate Oliver's feelings anymore and that's really not fair to him." "I know," I mumble, almost not audible, but somehow she heard me and knits her eyebrows together. "What? How?" I scratch the back of my neck and smile awkwardly. "You didn't say you love Oliver, you said you loved him. It wasn't your intention, I know, but it was subconscious of you." She raised an eyebrow and smirks at me. "You're weird, you know that, right?" I punch her shoulder playfully. "Hey, can't you be nice for me for one second?" Her smile grows a bit and she leans in for a chaste kiss. "Was that nice enough?" I was so caught off guard I just sit there for another few seconds with my eyes closed, before I sigh and open them again. "Yeah, it was quite nice, but way too short." She chuckles a bit and grabs my hand. "Maybe we can do something about that, but we have to talk first." I look down at our hands and intertwine our fingers. "Can't we just skip the talking? I'm tired of talking." She brings her other hand up to my chin and lifts my head so that I would look at her. "Trust me, me too … But it's important. I have to make a huge decision and it's not an easy one. So can we please do that?" I nod, but I try to think about something so we could skip the talking. I only want to hold her in my arms. "So, as I said I was thinking, a lot. And ever since you came back into my life, you clouded my thoughts. Sometimes when I'm in trance while writing, I detect your name instead of certain words. One time I wrote a whole page with just your name. I also fight a lot about you with Oliver. He sees how you capture my mind and is so fucking jealous it's incredible. But he left me, not like for good, but he left me, because he wanted me to stop seeing you and-" "He what?" I couldn't stop myself, I had to interrupt her. "Well he told me you're not good for me, I might get bad again, so he suggested to stop seeing you. That was the reason for our fight." My eye twitched and I tried hard not to clench my fist. "What the fuck?! You fought with him because of me? How dare him say that? I mean … Wow." I couldn't form a full sentence and instead of muttering something weird, I just stopped talking. "Yeah, that's basically what I thought." She smiles at me and runs her thumb soothingly over the back of my hand. She still knows how to calm me. "But yeah, that triggered my thinking process and I came to the conclusion that I can't be with somebody who tries to control my life. Right now I need freedom and he can't give that to me. He was the biggest support in the last years, but a lot has changed. On the other hand there's you. You proved to me yesterday, that you're there for me, that a lot has changed with the both of us. Well, but my feelings for you. And I realized that I want to be with you. You and only you. I just don't know what to do about Oliver." I let her talk, not because I have nothing to say, but I'm just not able to speak. Everything she says sounds like music in my ears and I can't help but smile like a little child on Christmas Day. Suddenly she reaches up and wipes away a tear from my cheek. I haven't realized that I was crying. "I hope those are tears of happiness." She says in a low voice. I still can't speak so I just nod hastily. "The only problem is, that I have no clue how to tell Oliver, I have no idea how he'll react and if he'll accept it." I grad her other hand and face her completely. I look her straight in the eye. "hey, it doesn't matter if he's okay with it. He will be eventually. Everything will be alright, just follow your heart." I realize how cheesy that sounds, but it felt right to say it. There's a shift in her yes, I can detect a bit of security and certainty, and she squeezes my hands lightly. "You're the only one that matters right now, okay? Don't think about anybody else, just think about what you want. Doe what's right for you and not for him, or me." She thinks for a while. "Yeah, you're right. I focused the last 6 years of my life trying to make everybody around me happy. I think it's time for me to be selfish again." She smiles again and gets up. "But please, let me take you out first. Let's go to Santa Monica and enjoy the beach and the surroundings and everything. What do you say?" I pretend to think about it and put my pointer finger to my chin. "Well I guess I could make that. But only if I get to drive, you drive like a grandmother." She acts offended and tries to push me, but I get a hold of her hands before she can do anything else. She lets herself fall on top of my, frees her hand and places her hands on my side. "Oh don't you dare." I gasp, she raises an eyebrow and grins down at me. "Watch me," she says with a wink and starts tickling me like a maniac. I scream and try to free myself from underneath her. She laughs and continues her torture. "Please … please … stop … please Amy … just stop." I beg for her mercy completely out of breath. "Make me," she says with a huge grin on her face. I stop fighting against her and grab the collar of her shirt. I pull her close and start kissing her. She stops immediately and runs her hands up to my shoulders to support herself. My hands find their way to the hem of her shirt and wander up her spine underneath her shirt. She smiles into the kiss and lets her full bodyweight fall onto me. I gasp and groan under her weight and she breaths out a laughter, right into the kiss. "I missed that," she says, smiling dreamingly. "What? Torturing me?" She giggles a bit and brushes her lips softly against mine. "No, buttface, I mean being so … casual, frivolous. Just us, here, laughing about stupid stuff, like the good old times." I pull a face and put my arms around her. "Well in the good old days, you weren't that heavy, I can't breathe." She chuckles and sits up. "Well, how about we really go to the shore, then?" She takes my hands and pulls my up to her level. "I would love that, under one condition." She frowns a bit and looks at me nervously. "I get to buy you dinner," I say with a wink, before I steal a small kiss. It feels amazing to be with her like that, so playful. She smiles at me and gets up. "I wouldn't dare to refuse this irresistible offer." She pulls me up to my feet, laces our fingers together and starts to walk out the door. Right now, I'm happy.


	21. Chapter 21

I park the car and she basically jumps out of it. I slowly follow, lean my arms on top of my car and look at her. "What? Am I not allowed to be excited?" I breathe out a small laughter and shake my head a bit. "Whaaat?" She sounds more demanding and pouts now. I can feel a huge grin form on my face and I tilt my head slightly. "Why did you wanna go here?" She starts to walk away from the car and I follow her. "Oh, you know, I just want to show you the city." She stops again and looks into the distance. "Just the beautiful places you haven't been to, yet. Since I can't do that in Texas, I want to do it here." I follow her gaze and this sounds so cliche, but I only know Santa Monica from pictures and TV shows, but it's nothing compared to seeing it. It blows my mind completely. The pier and the beautiful beach and just … I can't put it in words, really. "You can close your mouth, darling. Come on, I want you to see it up close." She softly puts her hand under my chin to close my mouth, I didn't even realize it had dropped. Then she starts to walk again. I can't move, I'm still overwhelmed. She turns around and stretches her hand out to me. I blink a few times and look at her hand. I can't help but smile and take it gladly.

After we got to the pier, we walk through the masses of people, I didn't think that there would be so many people at 6pm. Oh wait, 6pm isn't that late. I sigh in full happiness and Amy looks at me. "Is everything alright?" My gaze drops to the ground and for some reason shivers run down my spine. Thinking about it, my life right now is pretty perfect. "Everything is more than alright, everything is perfect, Aims." I look up to meet her gaze. "I have the job of my dreams, live in a beautiful city, have the perfect guide for any tours if I want to and most important-" I stop and take her other hand in mine, so she faces me. "-I have you back in my life. I couldn't wish for anything more." I squeeze her hands and she leans forward and kisses my cheek softly. "What do you wanna eat?" She grins at me and again, there are those shivers. "Why are you blushing? I only asked you what you wanna eat." She raises an eyebrow at me and places her hands around my waist. I lean my hands against her upper chest. "Well, the way you look at me makes me … nervous? I don't know. And I should be asking you what you wanna eat, I mean it's my treat." She looks to the sky, pulling me a bit closer, thinking. "How about chilli-cheese-fries?" I look at her and raise my eyebrow. "Chilli-cheese-fries? Are you serious?" She still looks in the air and bites her lip, making me wanting to close the distance between us. "Remember how we always wanted them as kids because of the show the Weekenders?" I nod, my eyebrow still raised. "And when we finally got them, we thought they're definitely not as good as we hoped they are?" I chuckle lightly, because I do remember. We begged my parents to make us some, but it's never a good idea to ask hippies to cook you something, so they ended up tasting horrible. "Yeah, sadly I do remember that." She turns her head to look at me and smirks. "Here's a place where they actually taste pretty good. You should taste them." I pull away and take her hand in mine "Then let's get some, just like the Weekenders." She smiles and intertwines our hands.

We walked down to she shore and sat strolled along the water, both with a huge amount of fries in our hands. "Gosh, you were right, they are freaking amazing." "I told you so." Amy just mumbles the words, because she shoved a handful of fries into her mouth and smiles at me. I burst out laughing, because she looks ridiculous, but somehow still adorable. "You know I hate talking with your mouth full." Amy just shoves even more fries into her mouth and looks at me "What?" I chuckle and shove her playfully, causing her to trip and almost fall over in the sand. What makes me burst out laughing again. "Hey! That's not funny!" She tries to get her balance and almost lets her fries drop. "Oh trust me, if you could see yourself you would laugh, too" I get hold of her arm to steady her and she just glares at me. "We could sit down if you want to" I say, winking at her. Without saying any other word she lets herself fall into the sand. I sit down next to her and we stare at the water. We finish our food in silence, Amy is of course way faster than me, but that's mostly because I steal glances at her so often and admire her face, even if it's half covered in cheese right now. I can't help but smile and reach over to her and wipe my thumb along her cheek to get off the rest of the cheese. I lick the cheese off my finger without even thinking about it and that's when I see that Amy is looking at me. "Can I help you with something?" She narrows her eyebrows and purses her lips "I feel like a child right now that doesn't know how to eat. I feel nothing like 26 thanks to you." I lean over to her and peck her on the cheek. "I'm sorry, but you're just way too cute." She narrows her eyes even more. "I'm not cute. I'm badass." I can't help but smile "Sure you are, whatever you say, honey." She pouts and looks down at the sand. She looks up a few times to make sure I'm looking at her. I reach over and place my hand on her thigh and sigh. "You really shouldn't feel like 26 if you act like this all the time." I wink at her playfully and she shoves my shoulder. "You know, you're actually really mean, what do I see in you?" I chuckle and she returns a smile at me. "I know you love me, and this is only the revenge for the tickling earlier." She places her hand on mine and strokes the back of my hand. I lean in and pretty soon our lips touch. Oh damn, how have I survived 10 years without this girl by my side? How did I manage to graduate and everything when I could have had this. This right here, her lips on mine, with butterflies trying to escape my stomach. She wouldn't have had this horrible time and we would be engaged right now and not her and … him. I place my hand on her cheek and deepen the kiss, because nothing feels better than her skin on mine, nothing feels better than knowing that she still loves me, nothing feels better than her smile on my lips, nothing, really nothing feels better than- damn it. There it is, the sweet tune of the Pretty Little Liars Theme song. I groan in frustration as Amy pulls back. She frowns as she looks at the display at her phone and mumbles "I have to take this" before she gets up and walks away a few feet.

I know it's Oliver on the phone, and I get that she has to take it, but that doesn't open the knot the slowly forms in my stomach. And the realization comes to me that Amy isn't mine. She is still engaged to Oliver and what we do is cheating. What we do isn't right. I shouldn't do this, this makes us both such horrible people. I broke off the contact with her, because she slept with Liam, and now look at me. I'm not better than her back then. And she was drunk, she didn't know what she was doing, I know exactly what I'm doing. I look over to her, she has a hand on her head in frustration and paces up and down the beach a few feet away from me. She looks hurt and I want to hold her until she's okay. But that's Oliver's job. I run my hand through my hair and try to concentrate on the good things. I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and pull it out.

_Somehow I had the feeling you're not feeling good. Tell me I'm wrong._

Damn Paula, how does she do this? I mean, wow.

_Actually I'm really not fine right now, I feel so guilty because of Oliver._

I look up to the water, but before I can do anything else, she replies.

_Why should you feel guilty? _

I sigh and think a few moments before hitting the reply button again

_Well, Amy came by today and told me she wants to be with me, but she didn't break things off with Oliver, yet. So technically we're cheating right now, and I really don't feel good about it._

_And why should you feel guilty? I mean she chose you, not him. She will break things off and you said they had a fight, so maybe they broke things off already._

I look up to Amy who furiously moves her hand while trying to stay calm on the phone.

_She's talking to him right now on the phone, so I don't know. Maybe you're right, but I don't think so._

_If anything is wrong and you need somebody to talk, you know you can call me, no matter what time it is. I'm always there. But keep your head held high princess, your tiara might fall ;)_

I smile at her last text and put away the phone. I lean back in the sand and I hear that Amy rises her voice. "If you're there then I'm not going. That's it … Yes I'm fucking pissed at you, you left me when I needed you … No I don't want to see you right now … Yes I'm with her right now, but that's not the matter at all." That doesn't sound good, I hope she's okay after this phone call. I sigh and look at the sky, where a few lonely clouds make their way along the sky. Maybe this fight will end like tomorrow and she will go back to him. Maybe she doesn't want me like that anyway and just needs affection when she can't get it from him. No, that's not how Amy does things. Or is it? I mean we spent 10 years apart, things change in that time, I'm definitely not the girl I was in high school. I grew up, finally. And it seems that Amy did, too. Or at least at some level. When I'm with her, I feel like 15 again, I feel invincible, I feel the happiest I can be. What if she doesn't feel the same and only plays me? What if this whole thing is just revenge for what I did to her? What if I really want to commit and she rejects me. I hear Amy's voice again "No, just leave it, Oliver. I need time to think things through, I can't see you right now … No, don't show up at my house, if you will, I won't be there, I told you this … No, Oliver … Ugh, forget it." She hangs up, kicks the sand and walks back to me. Her expression softens when she stands in front of me. When I look at her face like this, I'm sure that all my doubts are nothing but pipe dreams. I can see in her eyes that she really loves me.

"Are you alright" She looks at me with her beautiful dark green eyes that pierce right through my soul. I run my hand through my hair and I don't know what to answer. Oliver wants so see me, but I can't do that right now. I need time to figure out what to do. I already told Karma I wanna be with her and my feelings for her are stronger than those for Oliver, but was that the truth? She's my first love and I will always love her, that's for sure. But do I love her the most? "Amy?" Her voice brings me back to reality and I manage a smile. "Yeah, everything's fine, nothing I can't handle. How about a little walk? I don't feel like sitting anymore." I stick out my hand and she shrugs, takes it and I pull her up. She lets go of my hand to brush off the sand of her outfit. "Did I tell you that you look fabulous tonight?" She look up with a smile on her face and bites her lip. She shakes her head a bit and her smile grows. I can still see concern in her face, but I know her, she won't question any further. And that's something I really appreciate about her. She never steps over the border, she always knows how far she can go without me pulling away. But she could do almost everything, I wouldn't mind at all. "How about the waterline?" I shake my head a bit to shake off my thoughts. "What?" She tilts her head slightly and purses her lips so she doesn't smile "You said you wanted to go for a walk, so how about we walk along the water line? With the feet in the water, you know?" That's cliche romantic that I have to smile. "If you want to, sure." So we took off our shoes and walk down to the water.

"I feel like in a movie." Karma chuckles at the oddness of her own words and she shakes her head softly. "Oh not yet, Karma, but I think I can makes this just like a movie scene." She looks at me quizzing and I just smile and take her hand, intertwining our fingers. She looks down at our hands and back up to me. "Yeah, that didn't make such a huge difference." I chuckle a bit, what she doesn't know is that I texted Sal to come down here and bring me something, so that this would be the perfect evening for Karma. "Just take in the scene, you're in Santa Monica, down at the shore, with the love of your life-" I nudge her shoulder lightly as she blushes as bit "- there is a beautiful sunset, you walk here hand in hand with me and you are the most beautiful person on this planet, with your chocolate brown hair and your beautiful dress. How could this be any better?" Thank god that Sal was near by and almost always has it in her car. She must be here any second. "Well, I don't know actually, this situation is pretty perfect. This is everything I could wish for in this moment." Then I see her, at the edge of the shore with a wide smile on her face waving at me, and she brought what I need. "Well, I know how. Just wait here a sec, I'll be right back." She blinks a few times in confusion, but I let go off her hand and sprint up to Sal.

"Sal, I owe you one, thank you so much." She just shrugs. "Just give it back to me as soon as possible, you know I love this piece of trash." I peck her on the cheek and run back, shouting a "You're the best" over my shoulder.

Karma is now even more confused. "Why do you have a guitar brought here?" I hand it to her and she eyes it carefully. "Okay, did Sally steal this or something, because I swear this thing right here is expensive as shit." I start to laugh and it takes me a few tries to speak. "I wouldn't know, but no she didn't steal it. She won it. So it's a good guitar?" She looks up from the instrument and looks at me wide eyed. "I take that as a yes. I had her bring it here, so you could play. I mean, look at this, isn't this the perfect place to play a song?" She looks around and I sit down in the sand again. When she looks at me again, her eyes are narrowed and her head tilted. "So you planned this whole thing?" I shrug and shake my head. "No, not really. I just had the idea and texted her a bit earlier." She still frowns but sits down next to me tuning the guitar. "So you got me here to make you the perfect scenario. Get an old friend down here to play some songs for you. Oh at best songs that remind her of you." She tries to tease me, but right now this is actually true, well almost. "You're not some old friend, Karma. You're my first love, and on top of that my best friend for life. But other than that, yeah pretty much." I wink at her as she sticks out her tongue. "So what do you wanna hear then? I mean this is all for you right here, isn't it?" If she wasn't smiling I would think she was pissed at me for bringing a guitar here. "Whatever you wanna play?" "What if I don't wanna play at all?" "As if, Ashcroft." She looks at me with this smile again. This smile I missed all those years, it always got me to do the most ridiculous things for her, and I would do it all over again. "Maybe I have a song for you." She starts playing and I recognize the song instantly, but I don't really get why this song.

"_Wait, don't tell me  
>Heaven is a place on earth<br>I wish I could rewind all  
>The times that I didn't<br>Show you what you're really worth"_

I really don't get why she sings this song, I mean I really don't. But the way she looks at me, while singing this first verse of the song, sends shivers down my spine.

"_The way that you held me  
>I wish that I'd put you first<br>I was wrong I admit  
>Numb from your kiss<br>While you were slipping through my fingertips"_

She drops her gaze and I can feel the goosebumps forming on my arm. I have to swallow hard not to tear up. I didn't know she was feeling like this about us.

"_Taking every breath away  
>With all of the mistakes I've made<br>From all the letters that I've saved  
>This is everything I didn't say<br>I wish I could've made you stay  
>And I'm the only one to blame<br>I know hat it's a little too late  
>This is everything I didn't say<br>This is everything I didn't say"_

Right now I just want to show her that it's not too late for us, that we have this shot, this one single shot. Our second chance to make things finally right. I don't want to see her hurting like this.

"_Wake me up now  
>And tell me this is all a bad dream<br>All the songs that I wrote  
>All the wrongs hat I hoped would erase from your memory<br>Holding onto a broken and empty heart  
>Flowers I should've bought<br>All the hours I lost  
>Wish I could bring it back to the start"<em>

She looks up again to meet my gaze and I can see the tears falling down her cheeks. I put my hand on her thigh and she stops playing. "We're bringing it back to the start, Karma. We will. This time I won't let you leave so easily, this time I will fight for us." I reach over to wipe away some tears from her face. She manages a smile and says "I admit, I have to work on my songchoice, but it just felt right to sing it to you now, after I played it all those years for you alone in my bedroom." Be both let out a laugh and she get a hold of my hand. "Remember how we worked together on your songs and you played them in front of your cats?" I look down at our hands and can't help but smile. "Yeah, I remember that. But you always wanted to get fart references in the songs." We both laugh again. "I was a weird kid." "We both were."

We continued talking about everything and nothing, by the end of the evening, we were tangled up in each other, talking about the past and what we went through together. After that she drove me home and now I'm standing here, in my room. And I have no idea what to do. Yes, I want to be with Karma, she is the love of my life, but what if things don't work out? Then I'm alone again. Again in this whole and I have no idea if I can handle that another time. If I stay with Oliver, I might not be as happy as with Karma, but I know I will never be alone, ever again. Ugh I hate thinking about this stuff. But there was always this one person who always helped me with stuff like this. Without thinking about it, I pull out my phone and dial a number "Hey, Shane? Please don't hang up on me. Can we talk?"


	22. Chapter 22

"What do you want, Amy?" His voice sounds somewhat annoyed, but who am I to blame? I sigh and try to think how to start. "Look Shane, I'm so sorry about what happened, I was so caught up in my own misery that I stopped caring about everybody else. I know it was wrong and since then not a day has passed where I didn't think about you, or how to apologize-" "Why now?" He interrupts me with a sharp tone in his voice. "Why now, Amy? I mean if you only call because of Amy, then you can hold your breath. Don't bother. I don't care what she does to you. But let me be clear with one thing: If you break her heart one more time, I'm gonna cut you." Wow, he's still really pissed at me. On the other hand, who wouldn't be? "No Shane, I didn't call because of Karma. I called because I miss you." Great to start an apology with a lie. I mean, yeah I really called because I miss him, but I also called because I need his help with Karma. "For some odd reason, I don't believe you. But you know what? I guess you only called, because you want to know how to decide between Karma and Oliver." Without a moment of hesitation I answer him. "What? No. I don't need help to decide. I know who I love the most in this world, I know who I want to put on top of the world and show off to everybody. I want her, Shane and you know it. I just have one slight problem about it." "I don't wanna hear it, Amy. And a weak little apology over the phone with no thought behind it, won't make anything better. Make it believable. Paula and I will visit Karma in 2 weeks. Try again." And with that he hangs up on me. Great. That went well. Not. I hit my head against the wall and groan, not because of the pain, but rather the disappointment in myself. How could I think that this simple apology would satisfy Shane Harvey. Of course it worked with Pablo years ago, and I know that Pablo talked to Shane about it. But what's the point in all of that? Shane likes it big, so I'm gonna make it big. I have to weeks to prepare for an epic apology. But how am I gonna figure out how to choose between Karma and Oliver? I mean yes, I want to choose Karma, but I need to be sure if this could be forever. She says she loved me all this time over those 10 years, but she could be lying, right? I let myself fall onto my bed and prepare myself for a night of tossing and turning.

I was right, I couldn't sleep at all and checked my phone every five minutes if Karma was awake. She promised me last night to text me as soon as she wakes up. At 7.30am I finally received a text.

_Good morning my dear :) I hope you slept as well as I did. See you for lunch?  
>x<em>

My mood made a 180° turn and I smile at the text like these weird high school girls who have their first crush on the quarterback. I hit the reply button.

_Good morning. I'm glad that you had a good night sleep :) I'd love to! When are you free?  
>x<em>

Well I guess the decision is made by my heart just then and there. Or the moment I bumped into her in the grocery store. Yeah, probably already back then. I sigh and get out of bed. How does she do it? How does this girl make me so happy? I walk out of the door and freeze. My eyes widen and my jaw tightens. There is this knot in my stomach that wasn't there just seconds ago and my good mood is gone completely. "Hey, how was your night?" I stare at him and blink a few times, I have the urge to pinch myself to see that he really stands in front of me right now. "Well, look who came over to check on you." Liam chimes from the kitchen. Oh right, Liam has no clue about the second fight we had and thinks Oliver came over to clear the air from the first fight. "What do you want, Oliver? Don't you have a client or something?" I move past him to the kitchen and pour myself a cup of decaffeinated black tea. Liam always makes it for me when he gets up, he can be a real sweetheart sometimes. "I wanted to talk to you, would that be okay with you?" He followed me to the kitchen and lays his hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and make me a bowl of cereal. "Well, you can talk, but I can't promise that I'll listen." I move past him again and sit down on the table, pulling out my phone. I have a new message.

Pick me up at the studio at 1pm?

I reply quickly that that wouldn't be a problem and I wish her fun in the studio. I open my e-mail account and start checking the mails I got from my management. "Okay, look" Oliver starts, putting his hand on mine. I withdraw it an instant later and don't look at him. "I'm sorry. I really am. I shouldn't freak out that you want to be with your best friend. I guess that I got jealous because of the way you still look at her. But I guess that since she's your first love that it's not easy to get over her. And that those feelings will always come back. I know how it feels, Amy. Because for me it's you. You're my first love, you're the first person I was ever interested in. And I'm the luckiest guy alive that I can call you my fiancee." I look up to him. "You're not that lucky, Oliver." I say blankly. He tilts his head a bit confused. "I'm a mess and you know it. And if you're always that jealous when I meet with Karma, then we'll have a huge problem, you know that, right? I can't deal with you when you're hurt, less when you're angry. I can't do this right now, okay? I need some space. Please grant me some space." I get up, get my stuff and walk to my room to have my breakfast in there. He looks after me, I can tell. I can feel his stare on my back and it lets my hair stand up straight on my whole body. I shut the door quickly and shake myself. I shake off the bad feelings, or at least I try to. I felt myself fall face down on my bed. Oliver shouldn't feel sorry, I mean I'm thinking about breaking up with him. I feel horrible, but I mean come on, I can't love him like he wants me to. So breaking up would be the right thing to do, right? Ugh, I need help with this, but everybody I'm asking is telling me not to hurt Oliver, or not to hurt Karma. Maybe I can try talking to Paula? I get along with her quite well, she want Karma to be happy, so if she thinks I would be right and good for her she would say so, wouldn't she? On the other hand, she's in love with Karma, can she put her feelings aside?

There's a soft knock on the door, but I ignore it. "Amy?" Liam calls from the living room. "Can I come in?" I take a deep breath and sit up in my bed. "Yeah, sure. Why not?" He slowly opens the door and walks inside with a look of concern on his face. "Is everything alright? How are you?" I look at him, I don't say anything for a while, I just look at him. I try to figure out if it's a good idea to tell him about yesterday. That I kissed Karma and told her I loved her. The phone call with Oliver and my decision to back off a little. And the drama in my head if I should end things. "Amy, talk to me. You always talk to me." I sigh and look down. "Things aren't great with Oliver," I say and in the corner of my eye I see him shrugging. "I figured, but why? Is it because of Karma? Do you have feelings for her again?" Again? Try still, but I can't tell him that. "I might have, I mean I spend a lot of time with her and … I don't know if I should tell you this." I get up from the bed in the moment he sits down on the edge and walk over to my desk. "You can tell me everything, Amy. You know that." I turn to look at him. "But I know you'll get mad and freak out or I don't know." He shrugs at me. "I can't promise you not to, but I'll try not to judge. But let me just say, think about all the good things that Oliver brings to your life. All the good times you had together. He helped you out of your misery." He was right, still, Karma is way more present in my head than Oliver. "Look Liam, I remember everything Oliver has done for me. But it isn't fair for him if I can't reciprocate his feelings like he deserves it. I need to figure this out and that's why I need space to think." He raises an eyebrow and his face darkens a bit. "Don't you think it's unfair for him if you want space with him and not with Karma?" "Who says I'll see Karma in the next days?" "I know you, Amy. I know your look when she texts you, you look when you're gonna see her that day. I know you and you can't hide stuff from me that easy. Look at me and tell me you're not seeing her today." I look away from him and bite the inside of my lip. "I thought so. Look Amy, Oliver will always be there for you, Karma might rethink her feelings for you again. He never left your side, but she did and might do it again. And what do you have then?" I won't have the feeling of guilt and betrayal in my stomach, that's for sure. "I can't lie to him, Liam. That's not fair and you know it. I kissed Karma yesterday. And when I say I kissed Karma, I mean it was my intention, she didn't do anything. She doesn't even want me to leave Oliver. She says it's my decision, whereas he forbids me to see her." I try to keep my voice as calm as possible, but I rather snap at him than talk to him. "You what?! You're gonna throw away the best relationship you ever had, for her?! Did you forget everything he did for you?! Did you forget the sacrifices he made for you?! He's perfect for you, and she … she ..." "Don't Liam. Don't say anything bad about her. And of course I remember everything he did for me, how can I not?! But he's not perfect for me anymore. I need freedom and I need space and he can't give that to me. He always has to know what I'm up to and he always tries to control me. I can't deal with it anymore and can you please, please leave me alone right now?!" He glares at me with his arms crossed, but obliges without saying another word. He knows it's my decision and I appreciate that he wants to help, but he can't. He knows to much about my past and not enough about my present. Liam has changed in the last decade, he of all people should understand my point of view. He's still a player and has more flings than relationships, but he changed his morals. He cares way more about one's privacy than about his own good. A decade ago, I wouldn't have told him, I mean he would tell Oliver a second later, but now he's actually good at keeping secrets. He doesn't love them, but who does? It's weird how much changed within the years. I pull out my yearbook from graduation and look through the pictures and quotes. I still can't believe that all of this really happened.

I sat in front of the studio on a bench, my legs drawn up to my body, and I was hugging my knees. Amy was late, but I'm lucky to have quite a long lunch break. Since I sit here I listened to one particular song on repeat, staring into the distance.

_You fled from medication 'cause it only causes pain  
>You won't go to the doctor, he keeps calling you insane<br>You're lost even when you're going the right way  
>You mean the world to me even though you might be crazy <em>

I know this song shouldn't remind me of her, but somehow, on some level it just fits. I don't know what to do about it. And I don't know if I can be the hero she needs if she breaks down one day.

_And you said we wouldn't make it  
>But look how far we've come<br>For so long my heart was breaking  
>But now we're standing strong<br>The things you say make me fall harder each day  
>You're a trainwreck<br>But I wouldn't love you if you changed!_

I sigh and put my forehead on my knees and look down. And it's not only that, it's Oliver, too. She's never gonna leave him for me. I'm a mess and I can't handle things like he can. If she's gonna walk out of my life again, I don't think I could handle it a second time. I feel somebody sitting down next to me, but I try to ignore it, I keep listening to the song that plays again and again. Then I feel a hand on my back and I move my head to look to the side. Amy sits next to me, looking at me with some sort of concern. I pull out my headphones and sit up straight, the feet now on the ground. "I'm so sorry I'm late, I just had this idea for a story and I had to write it down before I forgot it. I'm really sorry." For some reason her concern draws a smile on my face and I lean forward to kiss her cheek. "That's absolutely fine. Work before pleasure." She lets out a deep breath and smiles at me. "Have I ruined our lunch date? Do you still have time for me?" I chuckle a bit and shake my head slightly. "I will always have time for you, my break is 3 hours long today, and I have no clue why." She looks at me with this distinct sign of confusion, but I just shrug and stand up. "So where are we going?" I stick out my hand to help her up and she gladly takes it what makes me think of the song again.

_I shook your hand and you pulled it right away, yeah  
>You asked me to dance instead. I said, "No way!" <em>

"I don't care, really. As long as I'm with you I could eat dirt and I would like it." I wrinkle my nose, but breathe out a small laughter. "Thanks, I guess? Well there is this Chinese place around the corner, how about we get some take-out and then head to some place outside?" Amy smiles and nods. She intertwines our fingers and starts walking. I wasn't even aware that we still hold hands. She basically drags me to the restaurant, I feel so lifeless today. I thought that she might lift me up, but for some reason it got worse when she sat down next to me. How is it possible that not being with her is such a torture, but being with her and being unsure if she wants to be with me is even worse?

She pays for the food, I try to convince her that I can pay for it myself, but she just says "You'll have me next time, princess" and pays the guy behind the counter. I cross my arms when she takes the food and walks out. She frowns at me. "Are you sure that everything's alright? You seem a little off today." I just shake my head. "It's nothing, really. It's just a weird day, maybe the food will make it better." She still frowns, pulls me closer to kiss my temple. I felt a soft tingle running through my body. "I wish I could make it better" she whispers, almost not audible. "You kinda do, I mean you bought the food, didn't you?" She tugs at my arm softly and I unfold my arms and take her hand. "You know you can talk to me, Karma. You always can." I nod in response as she squeezes my hand lightly. I know I can, I always could, but right now, I don't want to get into this, really. "It's really nothing, let's just have a nice lunch, okay? No bad vibes, no bad moods, just you and me and some food." She simply smiles and nods.

We come to this small park-like thingy and she pulls out a blanket from her bag. "You brought a blanket?" She spreads it across the grass and sits down. "Sure I did, I didn't know what you wanted to eat or where, so I came prepared." There is this warm feeling again. She's still how she was ten years ago. She's still prepared for everything and always wants to make me happy. "Sit down doofus, I don't want to food to get cold." Her voice brings me back, and I realize that I'm staring at her, but she doesn't seem to care. I let myself fall down next her while she digs into her order. She looks up to me and swallows. "How was your day so far?" "Oh, the usual. A lot of writing and trying the songs on the guitar and stuff. How about you?" Amy tells me about her encounter with Oliver and suddenly I'm not hungry anymore. "Amy, he's your fiance. And I feel kinda bad about it, I really do. I feel like I make you cheat on him, and I feel horrible doing that." She lays her hand on my leg and searches for my eyes. "No, Karma. This is all me, I make these decisions, there is nothing you have to feel bad about. Do you understand?" I sigh and look away. How can she say that? She's not the only one who thinks about going further. I mean we're kinda on a date right now, while she has a fight with her fiance. "Do you want things to get better with you and him?" The questions escapes my mouth before I could even think what I was saying. She pulls away her hand and looks to the ground. "I don't know, I mean of course I don't want to fight with him. But on the other hand, I had a fight with Liam after Oliver left, and that opened my eyes a bit." She purses her lips, sits up straight and takes both of my hands in hers. "What are you doing, Amy?" We sit there for a moment of silence, before Amy releases a deep breath. "Okay look, this is not gonna be easy for me, okay? I never thought it was true what people say about your first love. I never thought that it would be the most important experience of your life, I always thought it would be more important what comes after that." I swallow hard, her words sting a little bit, but I try not to show it. "But then I met you in the grocery store and everything I ever felt for you, came floating back in an instant. I will never get over you, Karma. And I don't even want to. I want to be with you day and night, I want to be by your side when you release your first record, I want to stand next to you when anything bad happens. When I think about my future, I don't see Oliver next to me, I see you. I see you and me together in our little house, with maybe a cat or a dog, or even a kid for god's sake. The last days I thought about how I could decide between you two, when I already made my decision. It will always be you, Karma. You will always come first." There were now tears running down her face and I reached up to wipe them away. I had a huge smile on my face and the butterflies from yesterday were back again. "I love you, Karma Ashcroft. My only worry is how to tell Oliver about this." Well, that's definitely not gonna be easy. But there's another question that bugs me. "Why me over Oliver?" She smiles and looks at me with those piercing green eyes and that soft expression. "Because you're the one. He helped my out of this hole, but you helped me so much more."

_Inside I was dying to give it a try and you begged me, so I stayed  
>I knew you were different from the way I caved <em>

"But I was the only reason why you were in this hole." Her expression drops and she shakes her head. "I already told you, Karma. This was not at all your fault. Everything came bubbling up and it just exploded I guess. If you give me some time, I'll talk to Oliver about it and everything will be alright. I promise." She leans forward and connects our lips. I melt right here in this moment, because this never felt better. It was a quick kiss, but she put so much love in it, it's unbelievable. "Okay, fine. I will be by your side, whatever you do anyway. So if you would have said that you want to be with Oliver, it would be fine, too. As long as I can be in your life. But like this it's even better. I only hope our friends are okay with this, too."

_We were so different  
>But opposites attract<br>So my hope kept growing  
>And I never looked back<br>You're one of a kind!  
>No one can change this heart of mine <em>

She backs away from me and looks to the ground again. I frown and tilt my head a bit. "What did you do, Amy?" She purses her lips again and starts playing with my hand. "Well, maybe I … might have … called Shane and tried to … apologize?" I raise an eyebrow at her and scoff "You called him? Are you mental? Come on, Amy, he visits me in 2 freaking weeks. You could have done that in person." She looks up at me and starts to smirk. "You knew about this already, didn't you?" I can't hide my smile and bite my lip before answering. "Well he called me directly after he hung up on you. I told him not to be so hard on you. And since I know you, I know that you're gonna try and make a big apology and I'm gonna help you with that." I wink at her and she shakes her head laughing. We spend the rest of our date planning how she will apologize to Shane, this needs to be big. When we say goodbye she pulls me in for a longer kiss and when she pulls away again she just smiles. "See you later, princess." And I just stand there and smile at her.

_One more thing I thought I'd share with someone special  
>I'm falling like I've never fell before<br>It's funny you said we'd never make it and look how far we've come  
>You're a trainwreck<br>But with you I'm in love _


	23. Chapter 23

Amy POV

It's been a week since Karma moved here and we spent basically every day together. I haven't seen Oliver since I basically kicked him out of my apartment and I couldn't be happier at this moment. It's Tuesday evening and Karma and I spent the night out to watch people at Venice Beach, and she drives me home in her 500.  
>"Oh come on, he didn't look that weird" She started laughing again, "he just looked a bit like Danny Devito … oh wait okay that's a bit weird."<p>

I shake my head, giggling like a fourteen-year-old. "Maybe it was him, maybe it actually was Danny Devito, who knows?"

We both start giggling again and this doesn't stop until we're in front of my building.

"So, do you wanna come upstairs for a coffee or something?"

She looks at the building and back at me. "I don't know, I really don't want to see Liam, like at all."

I reach over and take her hand in mine. "You know, he's probably working right now," I take a look at my watch. "In fact he's really working right now, he told me he won't be home until 11.30pm and it's 10pm." I look at her squeezing her hand softly. "Please come upstairs with me, it's enough time for a movie."

She looks at our hands and starts smiling, I know instantly that that's a yes and I feel a grin spreading across my face.

"Let's go then," I say with a wink before letting go of her hand and getting out of the car. She takes a few seconds before following me, but smiles when she locks the car.

"You sure he's not there?"

I simply nod as a response, take her hand in mine and enter the building.

When we get to my floor, I hear a laugh.

"Oh hey, that's awesome that you're home now." Liam stands right in front of me with some supplies in his hands. He looks over to Karma and a grin spreads across his face, I feel her tense next to me. "Awesome, this is gonna be awesome. I'm so bummed not to see that, but tell me everything afterward. Gotta jet! See ya later!"

And with that he runs off. Karma and I look at each other confused.

"Do you have any idea what he was talking about?"

I shake my head. "I have no clue, it doesn't make any sense, it's not like he wants to know what movie we watched." He brings out a chuckle and bites her lip.

"Or what movie we didn't watch."

She puts her hands on my waist and pulls me closer, after all these years there are still butterflies in my stomach when she takes the lead, I love it when she does that. She comes closer and closer and finally closes the distance and connects our lips. My whole body burns and I know exactly that I've made the right decision to take Karma, I'd always take Karma. Gosh I love her so much.

She pulls away from me with a smile and still closed eyes. "God, you make me so happy, I'm so glad you're in my life again."

"Then let's go inside so I can show you how happy you really make me." I say with a wink as I take her hand again.

We walk up to the door and to my surprise it's not locked. That's weird, normally Liam locks the door all the time. Well unless someone is in the … oh god, please no.

I open the door slowly and there he sits, on the kitchen table fumbling around with a cup of coffee. Oliver. He looks up as soon as the door opens and smiles. But this smile lasts only for a second when he sees Karma and our intertwined hands. Karma tenses as soon as she sees him and my grip firms on her hand, I don't want her to let go, not now, I couldn't handle that.

"Hey" I try, making him look at me again. "What are you doing here? I thought I made it clear that I need time for myself."

"Yes I can see that you clearly need time for yourself." I waves at Karma who winces at his movement.

"I should go, this really is none of my business." She says, trying to let go of my hand.

"Yeah, I think you should." "No! Don't go, you can stay." Oliver and I say in the same moment.

He looks at me and back at Karma. He doesn't say anything and she looks at me pleading. I loosen the grip on her hand and sigh.

"Yeah fine, you should go." I turn to look at her and she wears the expression of relief. "But I'm coming over later. That's not a request, so you can't say no."

She smiles at me, squeezes my hand one last time before letting go. She looks at Oliver one last time, not sure if she should say something, but she just leaves.

When the door closes behind her, Oliver gets up. "Look, I know you needed space and everything, but I can't stay away from you. I love you, Amy and I know you love me, too. I just want to make sure that you don't throw away what we have. Please don't throw away the life we built in the last years. We can survive everything if we just hold on to each other." He gets hold of both of my hands, looking at me with so much hope and I can't bare him looking at me like this.

I take a deep breath, it's now or never. "Oliver, I don't only need space, I also need time, but both won't make a difference, that's what I realized."

He shakes his head slightly and I can see him tearing up a bit. "What … what are you saying?" His grip on my hands loosens a bit, but he still holds on.

I close my eyes a second, trying to collect my thoughts, but it doesn't work. I should just say it. "I … I don't think that we will work this out." I can't bring those 6 words out of my mouth. _I am breaking up with you_. Say it Amy, say it. Just be brave for one second and stand up for yourself.

"No Amy, you're not thinking clearly, we can pull through everything. I know we can, you just have to give us a chance." His grips firms up again and the tears are almost escaping his eyes, his lips are trembling, I've never seen him like this before.

I look to the ground. I've I can't say the six words then I have to tell him otherwise. I can't deal with him hating me, and I know that he will after my next words, but I have to tell him, I owe him the truth.

"I can't be with you anymore, because I want to be with Karma."

He lets got of my hands and steps a few steps back. "You what?" He starts shaking. "After everything she did to you, you want to be with her? After everything_ I_ did _for_ you, you choose her over me? Why Amy, why?" His voice trembles and I think he wants to shout at me, but he can't his voice is not strong enough.

I can't look at him, my eyes are fixed on the ground. "Because I love her" I mumble, it's almost inaudible, but I know he hears me because a sob escapes his mouth.

We stand a few moments in silence, but he breaks it again.

"Did you cheat on me?" His words are full of hurt and anger, I'm scared of him right now, but he deserves to know it.

"Well ..." I begin and I hear another sob escaping his mouth.

"So in the time you refused to sleep with me, what I accepted because I deeply love you, you shagged your former best friend and crush from high school behind my back?" His voice isn't shaking anymore and it grows more aggressive.

My eyes shoot up from the ground and now I'm the one who feels the tears burning on my cheeks. "What?! No! I would never do that to you!"

He shakes his head, breathing heavily and clenching his fists. "So what? You just decided you'll be with her, doing nothing but holding hands like middle school kids? Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"Well, we kinda kissed and stuff, but I never slept with her."

"So you cheated on me, kissing is still cheating! How could you do that to me?!"

"Yes, I did! I know! I'm a horrible person, just say it! You deserve way better than me, because I'm a fucking disaster! You deserve someone who loves you deeply like you love me, but I don't deserve your love! I don't deserve how you treated me in the last years and I fucking don't deserve your love! I don't deserve all of this and you deserve so much more! I know it, you know it, everyone knows it, you just have to accept it, leave and live your life without me!"

There is a long pause after my, not really planned, rant. But he finally breaks it. "I can't" He simply states. "I can't live without you, Amy. That's the whole point of us being engaged. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes you hurt me, but I could look past it, if you just give us a chance."

I sigh and run my hand through my hair. This is it, this is my breaking point. I have to say it or we won't understand it. "Oliver, I'm breaking up with you. This-" I wave between us, "-doesn't work, it just doesn't work anymore. I'm so thankful for everything you did for me and that you were there for me, that you put together the pieces, but now I have to work on my own. I can't have you by my side anymore. I just can't"

His shoulders sink into the ground and there are more tears on his cheek now. "You're … You're breaking up with me?"

I cross my arms and nod, I've said everything I had to say.

His eyes drop to the ground and he shakes his head again. "This is goodbye then, I guess."

Without another word he walks past me to the door and opens it.

"Oliver." I say, walking to him taking his hand. "I wish you the best in the world and I hope you find someone who can return your love." I let go of his hand and he looks at it. I gave him back his ring. He clenches his hand with the ring in it to a fist and turns around.

"You're right," He says, "I deserve better than you. Karma and you deserve each other." And with that he walks out and closes the door behind him.

I lean against the door, sigh and slide down to the ground. This is it, this is the end of my longterm relationship, this is it with planning a wedding. Wait, I never planned the wedding, I always hoped that Karma would come along and wants to be with me. I sigh. Karma. The thought of her alone makes me smile, she is the bid deal, she is the reason I'm on this world, she is perfect for me as I am perfect for her. All I want right now is to see her, be with her, hold her hand, god I really sound like a middle school kid. But I'm more than happy to be.

Karma POV

I pace around my apartment, trying to calm my nerves. So she finally tells him, but what does that mean for us? What does that mean for them? What if she changes her mind and goes back to him? Oh god, what if she changes her mind and sees that he makes her happier than I ever can? I run my hand through my hair and search for my phone.

"Karma?"

"Paula! I need to talk to you, I think I'm freaking out."

"Woah, okay there, just tell me what's going on, you know I'm always there for you."

I take a deep breath. "Well, Amy and I were out tonight and when I dropped her off she asked me to come upstairs, I obliged and then Oliver was at her place, it was really awkward and I felt horrible, and now she's talking to him and I'm at home and I don't know what to do. I mean what if she realizes that I'm not worth leaving her perfect fiance? What if she sees the person again who she fell for because I broke her heart? She could do that, right? That's a possible scenario and I couldn't handle if she would do that, I couldn't handle her leaving me now and I-"

"Breathe, girl." Paula interrupts me. "Take a few deep breaths and calm down. She talks to Oliver to break up with him and you know it, she told you that before. She loves you, she loved you for over ten years, that's not gonna stop now, don't you think?"

I do as she says and control my breathing. I rub my neck and pace up and down my room again. "I fucking love this girl more than anything else, I really couldn't deal with her leaving me."

"I know, Karma, I know. And she knows that, too. You just have to trust her, she will make the right decision. Just calm down, listen to some chill music, or make some, and just sit down and relax, okay?"

"Okay, yeah, you're right. I guess you're right. Your are right … right?"

"Karma! Calm down already! You're just freaking out because you might have sex very soon." She sings the last part and I wince at the thought.

The thought didn't even cross my mind, why didn't it cross my mind? I mean I'd love it, but I haven't thought about that. Seriously, why didn't I think of that? Does she want to do it tonight? Or does she want to take it slow? Oh great, what did Paula do? Now I can't stop thinking about that.

"Karma? Are you with me?"

"What? Eh yeah, sure, sex, great, what?"

I can hear her chuckle, "Oh dear lord, are you that scared?"

"I'm not scared, I'm … anxious, I mean what if it's not satisfying for her? That could happen, right?"

"Karma, stop. Can we not talk about that, I know I started it, but this is was too awkward to handle. Just chill."

I hear the door open behind me and realize that I'm sitting on my dining table, how did I get here?

"Paula, I have to go, she's coming right now. Thank you for everything, what would I do without you?"

"Probably die alone, but that's what former college roommates are there for. Love you and good luck."

"Love you, too." I hang up and turn to the door, where a smiling Amy comes inside.

Before the both of us say anything, she walks up to me, kneels down before me, cups my cheeks with her hands and kisses me. The kiss is so full of love and apology and desire. She pulls away and leans her forehead against mine. She looks to the ground. I brush her chin lightly with my index finger so she would look at me. She smiles while tears stream down her face.

"I'm sorry," I say, trying a sympathetic look.

"Why are you sorry? You can't do anything about it. I told him and he walked away, he was really mad." She grabs my hand and holds it softly.

"Well, I can understand that, I would react the same if I would ever lose you again."

I cup her cheek and smile a bit. She starts to blush and looks to the ground smiling foolishly.

"As if you could ever lose me. My heart will always belong to you."

I can't help it, I kiss her really soft on the lips. "I love you, Amy Raudenfeld." I whisper. I know it gives her the chills so I smile.

"You're such a fucking romantic, Karma." She shakes her head a little. "But I love you, too."

We sit there for a while, just looking at each other. She stopped crying and hopefully thinking about Oliver.

She gets up, but she doesn't let go of my hand and just says "You're killing me. Everytime I feel awful, you make me smile so easily. How do you do that?"

I grin and look at the ground for a few seconds before looking at her. "That's a completely selfish act. I have to cheer you up, because when I don't, I'm gonna be sad, too. And you know we can't both be sad."

She pulls me up to my feet. "I don't think I can ever let go of your hand, it fits mine so perfectly."

I look down at our hands, smiling. "Look who's the romantic now."

She pulls me closer to her and places one hand on my neck. Pulling me even closer she starts kissing me so that I see starts behind my eyelids.

I pull away a bit to say "Damn it, how do you do that?" and closing the distance again.

"What exactly do you mean with that?"

"Make me feel like home with a simple touch and a simple kiss."

She leans in again and this time the kiss is more passionate. I wrap my around around her neck, pulling her closer, I don't want another inch between us, I want to feel her completely. She places her hands on my thighs, lifting me up, just like a reflex I wrap my legs around her. She carries me in my bedroom and placed me down on my bed, ever so softly without breaking the kiss. She climbs on top of me, with one leg on each side of me.

She finally breaks the kiss and looks at me biting her lip. "Wow."

I raise one eyebrow, while a smirk makes its way to my face.

"You are so damn beautiful and I can't believe that I get to call you mine. You're finally mine after all this time." She pauses for a second, looking in my eyes. "Karma, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

I chuckle a bit and run my hands up and down her thighs. "Wow, you're fast. You just broke up with your fiance and now you want to jump in another relationship?" Amy frowns at me and starts to move away. I place my hands quickly on her neck, keeping her from moving any further. "I thought it was a given after everything we've been through. Of course I want to be your girlfriend, there's nothing I want more."

I pull her down for another kiss and I feel her smile into it. She starts lifting up my shirt, but I stop her. She pulls away again and frowns at me.

"Are you alright?" She looks really concerned and somehow guilty.

"Yeah, it's just … I don't want you to jump from one relationship in another, also I haven't done this for so long … Can we somehow do this whole thing … slowly?"

She breathes out a soft laughter, and lies down next to me, wrapping an arm around my waist inviting me to snuggle into her. "Of course, I'm in this for the long term, we can take all the time you want." She places a kiss on my head. "I love you and I want you to be happy."

I can't believe this is my girlfriend now. This woman lying next to me really is my girlfriend.

Next day in the studio, I'm on fire! I wrote 5 songs today, obviously love songs and my co writer hate me now, because I'm happier than I've ever been. And I'm so annoying because I only talk about Amy.

In my break I check my messages, I got one from Shane.

_Hey girl, hey. Remember that me and your best friend visit you next week, please make sure you have enough time to keep us busy._

I chuckle at his message and I remember something. I search through my contacts and send a message to Amy.

_Hey, remember your plan to apologize to Shane? Buckle up, you have less than a week to really plan it. Love you, see you tonight. _


	24. Chapter 24

"OH MY GOD KARMA!" Paula runs up to me and tackles me hard, I stumble backwards and try to steady myself, but it doesn't work and it ends up with the two of us lying on the ground of the airport, laughing. Shane walks up behind her shaking his head.

"God Paula, did you miss me that much?" I choke out in between laughter.

"You know it looks really weird when two women in their late 20s lie on the floor laughing." He leans down to us. "In a public place like an airport I mean." He reaches for my hand and helps me to my feet just to pull me into a tight embrace. "I missed you like crazy, hippie girl," He mumbles into my shoulder.

"I missed you guys too, oh so much, so grab your things to get to my apartment." Both of them look at their stuff and then at me. "What?"

They look at each other and then back at me. "Tell me please, how do you plan to fit all our stuff inside your small ass car," Paula says, looking at her suit case.

I can't help but chuckle, "You really think I came with the 500? Are you kidding me? No, I dragged Amy along because her car is bigger than mine, but she refuses to let me drive. But I can understand it, I almost wrecked my car a few times when we drove to the store and stuff."

Paula smiles, but then looks at Shane and then I remember, shit they're not on good terms yet. But he doesn't care that much, right? I can't read his expression when he picks up his case and simply walks outside.

"Way to go," Paula whispers to me.

I roll my eyes, "Oh come on, I didn't think, we were doing something and then we had to hurry to make it in time."

She nudges my shoulder, and moves her eyebrows up and down. "Uuuh, so you guys did it."

We get outside of the building where Shane is waiting for us. "No we didn't, can we please not talk about it now?" I walk in the direction where Amy's car is parked and they follow me, not saying a word.

Paula walks up to her, hugging her as a hello, "It's good to see you again, honey."

Amy smiles at her a little uncomfortable. "Honey? Really? That's what you're calling people?"

I open the trunk of the car and load everything in, Shane stands next to me watching me.

"I could call you lovely, or babe, or darling or whatever you like. I like pet names, I live for them."

I lift my head to smile at both of them. "I can second that, from the first week of college she gave me different pet names every week. It was horrible."

Shane still doesn't say a word, he won't even look at Amy. I clearly didn't think this one through. Paula and Shane got into the backseats of the car and Amy and I got in the front. The car ride was surprisingly peaceful.

"So how was the flight? Did everything go okay?" I turn around to look at Shane, maybe he'll talk now, but he just looks out of the window not saying a word.

"It was fine, this guy over there had a little freak out during the landing, but everything else was alright." Paula looks at the rear view mirror while saying it, looking at Amy.

"That sounds okay, you used to be way more scared of flights, didn't you?" I still look at Shane, trying to get him to talk.

I feel a hand on my thigh and turn around. Amy looks at me quickly before returning her attention back to the street. She squeezes my thigh softly and I know exactly what she wants to say, "leave him, if he doesn't want to talk, don't make him". And she's right, I shouldn't but it's not fair. These two shouldn't be fighting anymore and hopefully after this week, everything will be alright. I put my hand on hers and she intertwines our fingers. I can't help but smile. Looking in the rear view mirror I see Paula looking at our hands and for a split second I swear I see hurt in her eyes, even though her mouth smiles. I can see it, I swear and I wonder if this whole thing was such a good idea. She told me to go for it, but I knew that she would be hurt. She's my best friend I don't want to lose her over this.

I think about moving my hand away, but then Amy brushes her thumb over the back of my hand and the shivers run up my arm, slowly and determined until they reach my neck. I close my eyes for a moment to take the feeling she gives me all in and I'm surprised that I'm even more in love than I've been the last years.

We finally arrive at my place and I tell the two in the back to get out of the car, I wanted to say goodbye to Amy.

"Oh, she's not staying with us?" Paula frowns a bit, Shane is already out the door. Amy snorts at Paula's question and shakes her head.

"Do you really expect me to stay here with grumpy cat over there? No chance. And by the way, I can't just take a week off, I have to work. I have a deadline to make."

Pouting Paula got out of the car, but before she closes the door she pokes her head in one last time. "But I'll see you around this week? Maybe we can spend time just us two, so grumpy won't feel left out with Karma?"

Amy smiles at me and when I smile back she turns her head to Paula and simply nods.

"Yay!" Paula squeals and closes the door.

"So you know what to do, right?" I take her hand in mine again and hold it against my chest.

"Yes, I do. Besides it's my plan and everything, you just helped me a bit."

"Well yeah, but I want it to be perfect, because I can't stand seeing you two not on good terms. But if it goes as planned he will forgive you."

She lets out a small laugh and leans forward in my direction. "I know, I planned it, remember?" She looks at my lips before closing her eyes and pressing a soft kiss on my lips. I can't help but smile a little into the kiss. She pulls away and winks at me. "Your guests are waiting, see you tomorrow."

I open the door, but lean in again, pecking her on the cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too princess. No get out, I can feel the evil staring at me."

I roll my eyes and leave the car. Paula and Shane were staring at the building, they're used to big apartment buildings so I don't know what's the big deal.

"Guys? We can go inside now." I stand in the entrance with one of Paula's bags and Shane's backpack, because I'm a nice friend, you know? They slowly follow me inside. On the way up we meet Tom on his way out.

"Ladies," he says, waving his imaginary hat in the air. Then he turns around again. "Karma? Remember what you promised me? You have to play me a song from your demo." He winks at me and jumps down the stairs.

Shane and Paula both look after him until he's definitely out of sight, then they turn to me with big eyes and open mouths. "Who's that hottie?" Shane is the first to compose himself.

"He's my neighbor and I spent some time with him since living here, he made it easier for me to feel at home. He's a nice guy." Their heads turn in his direction again. "You," I say pointing at Shane, "have a boyfriend at home, so stop looking at everybody's ass. And you," I say now pointing at Paula, "stop drooling, that's disgusting." I continue walking up the stairs, while they take their time to follow me.

I enter my apartment and put their stuff right in the middle. They enter shorty after me, still a bit startled by Tom, and now looking around the apartment.

"It looks like you," Shane says walking through the living room. I think about telling him that a lot of stuff in here belongs to Amy, but I decide against it.

"I want to see your bedroom, I'm sleeping in your bedroom, right? Shane will sleep on the couch, please don't make me sleep on the couch with Shane."

Shane an I look at her with confused expressions and Shane just shakes his head. "Honey, you know you'll always get to sleep in my bed, that's a deal we made back in college when we moved our beds together." I nudge her shoulder lightly while she jumps up and down.

"You guys are unbelievable. So what are we doing tonight? Dinner? Take out? Going out?" His last question was pleading, like he really wants to go to a club or something.

"Well, I was thinking dinner, because you guys have a whole week before you and I don't want to exhaust you on your first night," I wink at them. Truth is, that I'm absolutely not in party mood as long as grumpy is mad at Amy, but that hopefully changes tomorrow. God I wish she can rock it.

I take them out to Amy's favorite restaurant and Paula remembers it. She doesn't say anything though because she knows I wouldn't want her to, but I can see it in her expression that she remembers being here. With Amy and … Oliver. We had a great time during dinner and Shane really likes the restaurant, which is a good sign, because then there is hope for Amy's and his friendship in their future. After dinner we strolled along the beach and they told me everything I missed in Austin and I couldn't tell them much, because I was always in the recording studio and Paula is filled in with the stuff I did with Amy.

When we came home that night, we prepared Shane's bed on the couch and Paula followed me into my bedroom.

"Okay, so what's up? You have this weird look on your face when you look at Shane, like you're planning something and that's really weird." She doesn't even look at me, she just searches for pajamas in my dresser.

"What? No I don't why would you think that?" She turns around to look at me with her raised eyebrow and a smirk that says 'don't play with me', so I sigh. "Fine, Amy plans on apologizing to Shane in person, and I just hope it goes by okay. She put a lot of thought into it and she really wants his forgiveness. And not only for me, but because she misses him."

Her face lights up and after she put on her sleeping clothes, or well my sleeping clothes she jumps into the bed next to me and hugs me. "Oh god, that's amazing! He told me that she called and that he almost gave in, she doesn't even need to do that much, because he totally misses her and wants them to be friends again. Gosh, I'm so happy for them, because they clearly care about the other, he told me that. He said he's so glad that you two are finally together, because he hates to see the two of you miserable over the other and-"

"Oh my god Paula, please breathe for a second," I laugh and her. She would've gone on for hours if I didn't stop her.

"But I'm so happy right now. I mean I get to see you, my lovely best friend, two other friends are becoming friends again. Friends, friends everywhere, this is a platonic gold mine!"

I lie down under the covers while shaking my head. "You're crazy, you know that?"

She crawls under the covers into my arms, snuggles close to me into my side and sighs. "Yeah, I know that, but I'm crazy and happy. Just let me be happy, okay?"

And I want her to be, I want nothing more than my lovely Paula to be happy.

Amy POV

I wake up the next morning, or no that would be exaggerated, because I haven't slept like at all tonight. I kept tossing and turning and thinking about all the possible scenarios for today, but I wasn't happy with a single one my mind planned out for me.

I think about continuing writing for a bit, because I got up, or decided to give up sleeping earlier than expected. I mean I have plenty of time to prepare everything later on, but I know exactly that if I write now, I can rewrite everything later, because I can't get my head in the story. So maybe I shouldn't?

I walk out of my room, meeting Liam in the living room. "So what are you doing today?" I ask, while stretching my whole body.

He turns to me with a huge smile and a sheet of paper in his hands. "Why good morning my beautiful roommate, today I made it my mission to help you with your stupid idea." He walks over to a shelf and continues, "I think I have something down in my studio you might want to use." I frown for a moment until I recognize the sheet he holds. My eyes grow wide. It's the plan Karma and I worked on a couple of days ago. We went though it again yesterday before the two arrived. We left in such a hurry that we left the plan lying around.

"I'm gonna help you, I think this is great. Don't even think about reclining, this isn't an offer." I'm kinda glad that he wants to help me, it calms me a bit. "Do you remember how it was back in high school? Before everything changed for the worse? Went down the drain so to speak?"

Which drain is he talking about? The Karma drain and the wedding incident, or the Shane drain and the drinking debacle? Both times I lost the most important person in my life and well, all I had left was Liam. But I nod at him and add "Yeah, it was quite a time. Pretty amazing."

Thinking back I think about how I would've handled this situation then. I would've calmed my heartbeat with liquid courage, but that's what brought me in this situation in the first place and is in no way a considerable option, I know that. But then there it is again, this thought that haunts me for a few weeks now: Maybe, just maybe, if I didn't start drinking, Karma and I would've been together a long time ago, just maybe.

"Earth to Amy! We should get going, I have some additional ideas he would love, trust me." He drags me outside and we're headed I don't know where.

The next thing I know we're in his studio, and he grabs a few supplies and a painting. A painting? What the hell? Okay now I'm confused. "Could you explain your additions to the plan, please?"

He grins at me with this huge grin, like a boy who just got his first toy train, okay I know this reference is quite old, but come on, there are still boys who love trains. "Oh I thought you'd never asked!"

We prepared everything and we have about 15 minutes until Shane supposedly arrives. God, I hope this works. I told Karma already that everything's set and she's just excited about it all. Of course Paula already knows the complete plan, as Karma told her last night, but I didn't tell them about the changes that Liam wanted to make.

Shane and the ladies are still walking round Venice Beach, but not the actual beach because that's where we are. Karma said they'll finish their food and be right over, she's gonna send me a text when they're on their way. I'm dying right now, I don't know if this plays out right.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and when I pull it out I see it's a text from Karma.

_So we're done with the food now. Shane is kinda suspicious cause I've been looking at my phone the whole time but whatever. We're right over.  
>x<em>

I look up to Liam who wears an expectant expression. "Yeah, they're ready. Now it's your turn, I'm gonna go hide over there. I hope I don't mess this up."

He gives me a tight hug and when he pulls back he holds me by my shoulders and lets out a deep breath. "You're gonna rock this, like trust me, he doesn't even expect such a huge deal. He just wants you to say sorry."

I nod, even though I'm not convinced at all. He said this the whole day and I have no idea if it's true. Okay, so in the sand there are now fake walls, implying a room with a painting of me and Shane. Liam painted it back in high school in senior year, it was supposed to be a graduation present for the both of us, but then the fight came between that. So yeah, it's basically a living room. That part is Liam's idea. He wanted to make everything more visual, to show Shane how our future could look like if he lets me back into his life. I set the stereo so it plays this one song on repeat, and hopefully he gets it, hopefully he gets that everything I tried to do in the last years is to make things better.

"Oh hey Shane, heard you're in town, good to see you. Hi, I'm Liam you must be Paula." I hear Liams voice in the faint distance and prepare myself to press play on the recorder.

"Eh nice to meet you, I guess." I can tell that Paula is looking over to Karma with a questioning expression.

"Liam, what are you doing here?" It's Karma who speaks now, god she must be freaking out about this.

"Me? I'm just on a walk at the beach, am I not allowed to? … Great, so how about I join you?"

There is silence for a moment and I think I can hear someone sigh. "Oh I get it," it's Karma's voice. "Yeah, fine. Join us." She sound skeptical, but I know she'll love the changes of the plan.

There's a moment of silence before Shane actually speaks. "Okay, what the hell is that?" His voice sounds bitchy and unhappy, but hopefully that will change in a second. I hit play on the stereo and the song Wonderland starts playing, by Kesha. "Literally what the fuck Liam? What's going on here?" His voice is more confused now than anything.

I decide this is the right time to step forward in the fake room we created. The first thing I see is Karma, she looks at me with one arm over her stomach, supporting the other arm. She has the other hand on her chin and the most curious expression I've ever seen on her. The next thing I see is Paula, who's arms are simply crossed and she has a faint smile on her face that hopefully indicates excitement. Then I take a deep breath and finally look over to Shane, who stands there with wide eyes and a raised eyebrow.

"Hey Shane, look I want to explain something, okay? Just … All you have to do is stand there and listen to me." The music fills the silence that follows and he doesn't react at all. I take this as a sign for me to continue. "You might be wondering, all of you, what this thing here is." I motion to the fake room behind me. "This is hopefully what our future looks like. This could be our living room, this could be where we all live together, like a happy big family. The best people from high school, with a slight addition." I smile in Paula's direction. "Of course this isn't an easy future, I have to go a long and rocky way to get there, because I have to fight for your forgiveness.

"Even though my life is pretty good right now, with the best friends in the world and the love of my life by my side, I've known all this time that something's missing from my life, and guess what, that something is a someone. And this someone is you Shane. I like to say that I had two worst days of my life. First: The morning after the wedding, when I lost Karma. You helped me so much after that, you've always been there for me and I can't imagine how it had ended if you hadn't been there. And second: The day you told me to leave you alone, for good. But I can't leave you alone for good Shane, I can't. Because you helped me so much, you helped me to get through all my highs and lows, you helped me to figure out everything I felt back then.

"I can't thank you enough for everything you've done, and on the other side, I can't say sorry enough for what I've put you through. I'm so thankful that Pablo forgave me for what I did, but I know that that's not the only thing I've done wrong, I've done to you. Look, I know I can't make these things disappear from the past, and as stupid and cliché as it sounds, I was a teenager back then, and they do stupid things. Over the time I've been away, I learned so much, I learned how to appreciate everything people did for me. This doesn't only apply for Shane, but also for Liam and Karma. Everything you guys did for me in my life is more than I ever deserved.

"And Shane, you don't even know how sorry I am for being such a bad friend, for not being there for you when you needed me, but always demanding your help when I felt down. I know you didn't mind at first, but over the time you did. I took you for granted, I took your help for granted and it's not. It's the most special things I had back then. Without you and without your help I might not be here today. And I'm so thankful for that.

"I want to ask you for something, I want to ask you for a second chance. To make everything better. I'm asking you for a chance to prove to you that I'm a good friend, I'm asking you for a chance to give back what you gave me ten years ago. And if you think I don't deserve this chance, then I have to accept it, but know this: Without you in my life, there is only the potential to that wonderland from back then, but with you in my life, there's an actual chance that I can have my life back. My good life, I can be happy then. And trust me when I say that, I will give everything I have to make you as happy as you make me."

After my long speech there's a pause. A long pause and he walks up to me, reaches over and wipes away the tears that I didn't know escaped my eyes. I tried to hard to hold them back and I thought I did it, but apparently I didn't.

I sighs deeply and shakes his head. "This speech sounded like you're deeply in love with me, weirdo. But you know what? A simple sorry would've been enough. All I wanted was a sorry and now I got a new living room on the beach, one of my favorite songs in the background and my best friend from ten years ago giving the most heartbreaking speech I've ever heard."

Only in that moment I saw that he was holding back tears, too. He fought back the tears and his hands were shaking.

"How rude would it be if I rejected you after a speech like that? Honestly, I can't think of a better way you could've done that. Thank you."

"Does this mean?" I look over to Karma who wears the biggest smile ever and then I look back to Shane who now matches the smile on Karma's face.

"Yeah, I forgive you, and not only because your weird ass was missing in my life, too, but also because I can't stay mad at someone who makes the little superstar over there more than happy." He points at Karma and winks at me. The next think I know is that he pulls me into a tight hug. I bury my face into his shoulder and wrap my arms around him. A few seconds later more arms are wrapped around us and this whole thing turned into a big group hug. Even Karma and Liam both joined in, something I didn't think would be possible.

Into the hug Paula mumbles "We should celebrate this whole reunion thing by going to Disney Land tomorrow."

Karma jumps back from us and the whole group hug dissolves again. "Oh god, we definitely should do that! I've never been there!"

Paula and I frown at each other. "You never took her?" We both said in unison. Then we laughed and decided that yes, why not?

Tomorrow we're going to Disney Land.


	25. Chapter 25

Kamra POV

"Can you believe that Paula's visit is already a month ago?" I ask, walking up to Amy, who sits on my sofa. I look up from my phone to see her scrolling through Netflix.

She looks up at me and smiles. "Can you believe it's over a month that we're finally a couple?" She takes my hand and pulls me onto her lap, kissing me cheek. "Because I sure can't." she whispers in my ear, making me smile foolishly.

"And I can't belief I'm having my first concert today," I say sighing happily.

She smiles at me and with a wink she says, "Come on, you're a supporting act for a singer, it's not that big."

Even though I can hear the sarcasm in her voice, my mouth falls open in disbelief. "You didn't just say that." I hit her on the arm, playfully yet hard enough that it stings and she laughs a bit

"Ouch, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, it's a big deal, I'm sorry that I said that." She's still laughing, but rubs her arm where I hit here. "Man, that hurt. I'm sorry, I was just joking, I know that this is a big deal and I'm happy to be there with you. This is an amazing accomplishment."

I put one hand on her neck and I let my phone fall next to her. "I can't believe I get to spend every day with you by my side." I softly pull her in and place a kiss on her mouth. When I pull away she pouts. "What's wrong?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing, I just didn't expect the kiss to be a quick one," she shrugs and pouts even more. This woman drives me crazy.

I smile even more and pull her close again. "Well, then you have to take control, I guess." She shudders beneath me and I back away just an inch before she grabs my waist tightly and crashes her lips into mine.

We're doing this a lot lately. Teasing and fooling around like teenagers, it feels amazing to be around her. And I still wonder how I could go 10 years without her by my side. 10 years where I knew I loved her and didn't have the courage to talk to her. Up until that one day in Austin, that one lazy afternoon when we bumped into each other in the grocery store. I had to call her afterward, I had to talk to her. I can't imagine my life if I didn't call her.

Amy pulls away and when I open my eyes, concern is written all over her face. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can ask you the same." She raises an eyebrow at me. "You seem so distant, like you're not with me right now."

I tilt my head slightly. "You got that from a simple kiss?"

She chuckles and shakes her head, stroking my arm soothingly. "No kiss with you is ever a simple kiss. And of course I got that, I can feel when you're not into it." Her eyes follow the patterns she draws on my arm.

"What?" I ask, putting my finger under her chin so she looks at me. "How can I not be into it when you're the one I'm kissing?" I lean down and kiss her nose. "I was just in thoughts." I run my thumb over her cheek.

"What were you thinking about?" Her eyes are glued on mine, I know that she'll listen to every word I'll ever say and that feeling is so incredible. I know that I'll always be happy with her by my side.

"I was thinking how lucky I am to have you with me. That I made the right decision calling you after we met in the grocery store." I feel my lips curl up at one side while my hand wanders to her neck. "About how much I love you and I hope that you know that."

A smile spreads across her face and she pulls me even closer. "Trust me, I'm the lucky one. I can't believe that we spent so much time apart from each other." She sighs and shakes her head ever so slightly. "Just imagine, we spent half the time we know each other apart and now we just sit here like these years didn't exist."

I lean my forehead against hers. "In ten years we'll sit here and remember this day, how we sat here and thought about our life together. And in twenty years we will sit here and maybe we forget about the ten years we spent apart and focus on the twenty years, thirty if we count the first ten, that we spent together."

Amy moves her head slightly so our lips are only inches apart. "You think we will be together in twenty years?" Her eyes are half closed and I think she looks down at my lips.

"I know that we'll be together forever," I say closing my eyes. But before I can close the distance, she backs away and sets me down next to her on the couch. I pout at her and frown, but she just gets up and stands in front of me.

"Do you mean what you just said?" I nod, a bit confused what she's doing. Suddenly she goes down on her knee before me. Is she kidding me? She has to be kidding me.

"You're not gonna propose to me, are you?" She starts to giggle and simply shakes her head. A rush of relief runs through my body, but there is also a hint of distaste that I can't really place. "If you're not proposing to me, what the hell are you doing then?"

She pulls out a ring from her jacket and I hear my own breath hitch. She really is proposing, isn't she? I'm confused. Can someone please explain to me what's going on?

"I'm not proposing, princess, I'm promising you something."

I jerk one eyebrow as she takes my hand. "Say what now?"

She breathes out another laughter and looks at me with this loving smile that's only reserved for me. I feel my stomach turn and I think I'm about to barf.

"This," she holds up the ring, "is a promise ring. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm sure that one day we will be married and one day I know we'll have this happy ever after thing you always dreamed about. I want to be your prince charming."

"You'd make a better princess sarcasm," I say with a wink, that squeezes out a tear I was trying to hold back.

And here comes another laugh. "Yeah, or that." She holds up the ring again. "With this ring I want to promise you that I'll do everything that I can do to give you a perfect life. I promise you to never leave your side and to have your back no matter what you want to do. I promise you that, eventually, I will propose to you, when the right time comes and even if you want children, I promise you to bring them up with you. I will treat you like my best friend, like a princess and like a goddess, because you, Karma, are my soul mate. And I want you to know this because I never want to live without you ever again." She stops and takes a shaky breath. Her voice trembled slightly with her last sentence. "You know what they say? That you shouldn't be with someone who can't live without you, who depends on you so much that you're basically one person. We're not like that, we proved that we can live without each other, but I simply don't want to.

"You make my life better and I grow when I'm with you. And I know that you feel the same, I know that we both know that this is meant to be. So I want to give you this ring as a promise, a promise to be with you, to make you stronger and to always have your back."

She puts the ring on my finger, obviously it fits perfectly. Or well, it wasn't obvious at all, we knew our sizes when we were 15, things like that change with time. I stare at the ring for a moment, a long moment, silent tears running down my face and I take in everything she just said. The ring is beautiful, it's silver with music notes engraved. I take it off and hear her breath hitch, I can't suppress a small smile, because she's still waiting for me to accept the promise, but she shouldn't doubt that I do. I know Amy, I know that there will be a message inside this ring. And there is.

_Whoa – I know_

I expected like a K and an A, but what does this … wait. Of course, how could I be so stupid? This is what we said to each other after our first kiss. We said it to each other during the almost-threesome and we said it after other kisses, this is our thing and I never knew it. I never saw it until now.

I look up from the ring and meet her eyes, I smile the brightest smile I can manage with all the tears in my eyes, but I don't care about them now. I just look at her. And she looks at me. We look at each other for what feels like forever, we just see each other.

I look down at the ring after a while and put it on my finger again. "You know I love you," I say, still looking at the ring. "I love you with all of my heart and I always will. You're the love of my life and I'm the happiest person I could ever be when I'm with you." I look up at her and meet her eyes. "I'm the luckiest person in this world, I am. I truly am and if I could show you somehow how much you mean to me, like you just did, I would."

She chuckles and takes my hands in hers. "I have my way with words," I shake my head, grinning at her stupid cockiness, "but no seriously, no words in this world can describe how much I love you, how important you are to me-"

That's it, I can't take it anymore, I capture her lips with mine and pull her closer on her neck. This kiss is nothing like the ones we shared before, we've never been like this to each other. There is a new feeling inside of me and I can't place it. It's the best I've ever felt, like electricity, warmth, just plain old love. The kiss makes me dizzy and lightheaded. How can a kiss do that to me? I pull away breathing heavy, when I open my eyes to look at her she looks at me with disbelief.

"Whoa." She swallows hard and tightens her grip on my waist, where her hand wandered seconds ago.

"I know," I say gasping for air as I bite my lip. God, we are more than cheesy, did anybody tell us that already?

Amy gets up and pulls me with her, her hands on my waist pulling me close, so that there is no distance between us. She keeps her eyes on mine and our faces are just inches apart. "What do you say? Should we take this to the bedroom and have a little fun time before you have to go to your sound check?"

I feel a smirk forming on my lips and I tilt my head slightly. "And what would we do there?" I'm trying to get my voice sound innocent and pure, but I have the feeling it came out rather seductive.

Amy collects herself for a second, playfully rolling her eyes while licking her lips. "Well I'm gonna show you." With that she grabs my thighs, pulls me up and carries me to my bedroom.

Amy POV

Karma tries to get away from my grip without me noticing, but that just fastens my arm around her.

"Amy, I really have to go now," she whines and I just groan in response, snuggling my face into the crook of her neck, kissing her soft skin. "Seriously I can't be late, I really have to hurry." She takes my hand and pushes it away. She gets up and I suddenly feel cold.

I sit up and I want to pout at her, but I smile instead at the woman standing in front of me. "Have I ever told you that you're beautiful?"

Karma turns around with clothes in her hand and starts to smile. "You kinda tell me every day, but I don't think you told me when I was like this." She looks down at herself. A naked Karma is a good Karma. Every Karma is a good Karma to be honest, but seeing her like this makes me appreciate everything even more. "I'm gonna get ready, you should, too." She leans over to me and pecks my lips before she disappears into the bathroom.

This woman drives me crazy, I stare a moment at the closed bathroom door and try to rewind the last hour. How do I deserve her love? And how come every desire of toxic things is gone when I just see her? This is more than amazing and I'm still so overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me. How did I survive without her? Oh wait, I barely did. But that's not what matters right now, what matters is that tonight will be the best night of her life. Her first real concert in front of an audience, her own original songs and I can share this experience with her.

Karma emerges from the bathroom, damp brown hair dancing down her shoulders and her hazel eyes meeting mine. "You're not dressed, yet. Don't you want to come with me to the sound check?"

I smile and shake my head. "I don't want any spoilers for tonight, I just want to see you there and be happy and listen to you sing. Sing your heart out and I want to experience it with the other people in the audience, like them for the first time ever."

She sits down on the bed and takes my hand. I look at her, what she's wearing. She wears her favorite dress, the lavender one with the wide sleeves, it looks like summer and fall combined. She looks stunning and I fall in love with her all over again in just this moment.

"You're awfully cheesy, but it's not the first time ever you hear me sing. You heard me sing the most out of everybody in this world." She winks at me and want to get up again, but I don't let go of her hand.

"Do you really have to leave?" I start pouting and pulling her closer.

She gives in for a moment and lets me pull her closer so I can embrace her. "Yes I do. I told you you can come with me, but you don't want to. And I have to do my hair there because I'm already late." She backs off and kisses me once again. "I love you."

I lean my forehead against hers. "I love you, too. See you tonight, I bet you'll shine like a star."

She chuckles lightly while she gets up from the bed. "Don't be late, I don't want you to miss anything. And remember that you have a backstage pass on the kitchen counter. Don't forget it." She blows me one last kiss and walks out the door.

I sigh and decide I should go for a walk, a walk is always nice and a walk makes me always think less about negative thing. Everytime she's not around, the negative thought decide to make their way up to my mind and I really don't need this right now.

I get up, take a shower and get dressed. I don't look nearly as nice as she does, but that's a constant thing, no one looks as beautiful as her. I take one last look in the mirror and try to reflect my life. It had its up and downs so far, but somehow I feel like it's only going uphill from here. The last month was the most creative I've been in years, the chapters just came to me and I'm almost done with the second draft of the book and then I can send it to the editor. This is seriously awesome and I feel like this is even better than the first book.

I leave the apartment, taking the backstage pass with me and lock the apartment. I will always do that because she will always forget it. I walk down the street and I think I'm gonna go to my apartment real quick so I can check on Liam. I've spent most of my time at Karma's apartment so I haven't seen him in days. I walk over there, because my car is there, too. Karma took hers with her, obviously, so I need to get my car anyway.

It takes me longer than normal to walk to my apartment, but I really take my time today. I'm still overwhelmed by everything that happened and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. Arriving at my apartment, I check if the door is open. It is, so Liam is home. I hear voices from inside, so I guess he has a visitor. I open the door and walk in.

I walk into the living room and there he sits, Oliver. I want to run away, even though this is my place. What is he doing here?

"Oh hey Amy, I didn't think I'd see you today," Liam gets up from the sofa and looks between me and Oliver.

Oliver turns to me and forces a smile. "Hey, it's … good to see you."

I shift a bit awkward, clench my fist and smile awkwardly. "Yeah, you too." Then I turn to Liam again. "I just wanted to check in and see if everything is alright and it seems like it is. I should go now." I turn around and walk to the exit, grabbing my car keys in the process.

I'm almost at the door when someone grabs my arm. "Amy wait, can I talk to you for a moment?"

I turn to Oliver and sigh. "I don't know, I mean, yeah sure I guess."

We walk into my room and he sits down on my bed. I think I should rather stand, but he pats the space next to him, so I sit down.

"Look Amy, I just really need to tell you something." Oh my god, this doesn't sound good. But he seems so collected, maybe everything is alright after all. "I've been thinking the last month and came to the terms that this is the best thing for the both of us."

He looks down at his hands as he says that. "What do you mean by thing?" I ask him, still confused what this is all about.

He breaths out through his nose and it almost sounds like a laughter. "You being with Karma." He looks up at me. "It's better this way, you're happier like this and I'm happy you're happy. I know it sounds stupid, but I just want the best for you. I couldn't give you the best."

I look at him confused. "Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?"

He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "I could never be mad at you. You were my first love and you know that. I'll probably caught up on you forever, but I'm fine with that as long as I know you made the right decision." He takes my hand as he continues. "Look, I know this is hard to understand, but I want us to be friends, and I want to be friends with Karma. As much as I hate her for leaving you 10 years ago, she's still a very nice person and she makes you happy. So can we please be friends?"

I run my free hand through my hair. This day just gets crazier and crazier. "Let me think about it, okay? Because I really don't want to hurt you any more than I already did. Give me some time and I'll let you know."

He nods, he looks confident. "I'm sure you'll always make the right decision."

I look at the watch. Fuck. I have to hurry or I'm gonna be late for the concert. "Oliver, I'm really sorry, but I have to go now. I'll text or call you as soon as I know what I'm gonna do, okay? But I'm gonna be late for something majorly important." I hug him quickly and run out, saying bye to Liam and heading for my car. I really have to hurry.

I arrive at the hall just in time so I don't miss any second. With my backstage pass I could go to a lounge and watch her from there, but I honestly want to watch her from the crowd, like a stupid little groupie that sees her idol. This is how I want to experience this, just like everybody else, like I'm no one special to her. I fight my way to the front row, just when the lights go out, telling the people that it's about to start.

Karma comes on stage, looking stunning as ever, still with the lavender dress and the biggest smile on her face. This is her moment, this is what she dreamed off for her entire life and I'm here with her. Seeing her eyes light up when she looks around the crowd, the cheering for her is consumed by her body, making her bigger and bigger. She hasn't seen me yet, I'm certain, and then she speaks for the first time on a big stage.

"Hello everybody. I'm Karma and I know you're not here to see me, but I hope I can still give you a nice time and hopefully you enjoy my music." And then she starts to play. She plays the first chord and the crowd is silent, they're waiting to judge her voice. This is the crucial moment of every newcomer artist out there, the first time people hear your voice. Will they accept you or will they destroy you.

She opens her voice and sings the first line. The crowd starts cheering and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I quickly cheer with them and start jumping up and down. The song is about Austin and has a nice country vibe so you can flow with it. Her voice is perfect, the lyrics are perfect, everything about this whole thing is perfect.

With every song there is a new instrument on stage and I quickly realize what she's doing. She's telling the story of how she got here with the 7 songs she's allowed to play.

After the fifth song she makes a pause. "As much as I enjoy singing original songs of mine, I also really enjoy cover songs. What do you guys think of Ed Sheeran?" The crowd goes wild, what is she doing? She said she only wanted to sing original songs. "There's this song stuck in my head and I really want to sing it tonight, are you guys okay with that?" She gets the same reaction as before. "Great, if you know the lyrics, help me sing along. Here we go."

With the first note I know what song it is and I stare at her wit awe for a moment. _Really Karma?_ I think, _Really?_

"_Tell me that you turned down the man  
>Who asked for your hand<br>Cause you're waiting for me" _

This is so typical for Karma, she sees herself in those songs. She scans the crowd again until she meets my eyes and smiles. I wave at her.

"_And I know, you're gonna be away a while  
>But I've got no plans at all to leave<br>And would you take away my hopes and dreams?  
>Just stay with me" <em>

I shake my head, smiling, making her smile even more. She keeps her eyes on me during the whole song and I can't believe she's really singing it to me.

"_All my senses come to life  
>While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I<br>Have ever been and I'll never leave again  
>Cause you are the only one" <em>

The last chorus, she sings it acapella and the whole crowd joins her and I get the chills all over my body. This sounds more than amazing and I unconsciously wipe away a tear that escaped my eyes.

"_And all my friends have gone to find  
>Another place to let their hearts collide<br>Just promise me, you'll always be a friend  
>Cause you are the only one" <em>

This day is so damn crazy.

"We get to my last song." The crowd tries to obey which makes Karma smile even more. "I'm sorry guys, but you came here to see someone else and she deserves to be on the stage, too, especially since you paid to see her." she pauses for a second. "So as you might've guessed the last song was about someone special in my life, the love of my life to be exact. I wrote a song about her. And yes, it's a her, she's been my best friend all my life and I can't imagine my life without her. This song is for her. Good night."

Wait what? She wrote a song about me? And she's playing it in front of a big crowd? This time she doesn't meet my eye, maybe she's scared of my reaction, she just looks in the distance while she plays the intro.

"_You're this unconventional rhythm that doesn't seem to fit,  
>but your metaphors and similes make the right pick<br>you're the tenor and the vehicle, both at the same time  
><em>_so that the emphasis on your puns has the right time to shine."_

Wow, she describes me as a poem I think. This is so weird. I listen to the whole song and I'm more than amazed. This is the best song she's ever written, I just love it.

"_You're a poem poorly written, but I like your messed up schemes,  
>all the stanzas in this chaos, show's that nothing's what it seems<br>All the lines that rhyme so perfectly, you try to hide away,  
><em>_they show that you're not flawless, but I love you anyway.  
>Anyway."<em>

And with this she ends the song, her performance, and my minor heart attack. I'm finally able to breathe again and she meets my eye one last time. She leaves the stage and I run after her.

"Karma!" I run up to her, now I'm relieved I have the backstage pass. "Oh my god, darling, you were amazing. I loved it so much."

She turns to me and pulls me in for a long kiss. When she pulls away she's shaking. "I freaked out when I didn't see you at first, but when I finally saw you everything was alright. I'm so glad you're here." She kisses me again.

"Karma, you're a mess." I say, stroking my thumb over her cheek. "You were perfect up there, the crowd loved you, you're the star of the night."

"This was just … I'm at a loss of words, can we just go to a bar or something?"

I chuckle at her and nod. "If this is what you want, then sure. There is one just around the corner, if you want to bail on the rest of the concert."

she looks down for a second and frowns. "Let's just go to the cafeteria, I can't just walk off like this."

I take her hand and let her lead the way.

In the cafeteria she stares at the ring I gave her this morning. Suddenly she looks up at me. "Does it have a meaning? Or a pattern or something?"

I raise my eyebrow. "What exactly?"

She points at the ring. "the notes, do they have a certain pattern, do they mean something?"

I just chuckle and shake my head. "Maybe, let's see if you can find out what they mean."

She stares at the notes for a while and I sip at my tea watching her. Suddenly her head wipes up and she stares at me. "Is this," she pauses, checking if she's right. "is this the beginning of the song I wrote for you ages ago? When I tried to apologize to you after the wedding?"

I tilt my head slightly, smiling at her. "The song you sang to me on the last day we spoke 10 years ago. I loved it so much."

"You remember this song?" Karma looks at me with disbelief.

"I remember everything, you know that." I take her hand over the table. "I love you."

She smiles down at our hands and squeezes mine lightly. "I love you, too, you fucking hopeless romantic."

How did the Taylor Swift song go? _This is gonna be forever, or it's gonna go down in flames_.

I more sure than every, that this is going to be forever.

* * *

><p>AN: This was the last chapter of this story, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I really grew on this story and all the kind messages I got regarding it made me so happy. Thank you guys for reading and sticking with me throughout the story!


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